-Continuation from blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Thursday, August 16, 2018

not to 1055

click for more dog memes

One of those medical assessment posts for my glitchy memory.

Established with cardiology yesterday. I had a cardiologist a couple years before and after my radio ablation for SVT back in 2000, but insurance changes flipped me to another network, and I'm just now establishing again after the May hospitalization for uncontrollable blood pressure breakout. I am fabulous right now, so I don't have to go back until next year, but at least now I have direct call waiting and email to specialist if I need one. I think my primary is relieved.

Ramping slowly back up to 300mg 3x a day on the gabapentin per neurologist, again. This is the third time I'm trying. First time (winter 2017) went up too fast and turned into lethargic zombie. Second time (May 2018) coincided with amlodipine and got significant leg swelling, plus the amlodipine wrecked my diabetes. This time it's slow and the only med being changed. So far I'm sleeping better and getting up easier, no weight gain or fluid retention that I can tell. Being commanded to watch blood pressure after stopping amlodipine, have been able to solidly correlate pain level to blood pressure since I also ramped down the gabapentin and now ramping back up. It's one thing to say pain causes high blood pressure, it's another to actually see it on paper. Clearly I need to stay on pain management, now that I'm below the 140/90 target again. I'm still on toprol, of course, but my pain levels easily override control when I try to tough things out and power through, like I was brought up to do through my childhood. Looking back, I can see that powering through probably set me back through much of my adult life, as I gritted my teeth and held on through college and jobs and trying to be a good parent for kids in school. The band president year was pretty rough. I loved it, though, and I don't regret it. Stuff like that. But yeah, I fought hard to stay as normal as possible in between month or year long stretches of complete disability and severe immobility.

Also, the stenosis in my neck is bad enough now that even slightly turning my head either direction sends shooting pains down shoulders (so fun in traffic!), and if there is really less wiggle room in there, maybe it's time to move past chiropractor. It was a lifesaver over the last decade as I was going through core strength in physical therapy, but all that is stabilized now and I rarely need adjustments any more. I knew this would be part of Plan C, moving on to the meds.

Can Neck Manipulation Relieve Spinal Stenosis?

I'll still need ASTYM maintenance or I'll freeze up solid, but you can't ASTYM a nerve trunk, lol. The thought made me giggle. There's a special kind of humor in pain lifestyle.

There is also irony, like slamming through a week long tweetfest one week before carpal tunnel surgery. 😂 I have really been enjoying #SharknadoWeek on Syfy, but barely able to hang onto anything because of it, like flipping a spoonful of yogurt on my good blouse, casually tossing my phone into a wet sink, I won't even bring up keys. Too late. But yeah, it's crucial to always close the toilet around a person like me in the house. Anything could go anywhere at any time if my hands even pretend to touch something. You'd laugh if you could see how klutzy I am trying to moderate on a game server. Just trying to type a short command under pressure is hilarious when the player has one of those long names spelled weird with caps and dashes and extra x's sprinkled around.

Let's see, what else. Allergies are so bad right now that I've tripled my zyrtec and benadryl, ears feel like I'm underwater or flying 20K feet, throat is on fire and sore to swallow. I'm mostly fine inside my house. We have 3 hepas now and I'm so stringent on laundry coming in that most of it stops at the door, but even just driving into town in a climate controlled car with air filters has me swimming in snot. I was chunking more antihistamines in traffic yesterday only 15 minutes from my house. Between all the mowing and the rains and wind now in a high humidity region, I am breathing particulate soup everywhere I go.

Is this boring? I feel boring. No one ever talks about the conspiracy scenes in Sherlock. Oh, yeah, the fan theories, but you know, like the background scenes and stuff... Here, lemme distract you from that before you actually think or something.

The Cases Are Fake: A Theory That Totally Changes Sherlock

Except that all falls apart in season four, when we find out it wasn't Mycroft...

Ok, I'll give you a nibble. Like the clock scene when Moriarty is giving the raspberry in the air sending a text off to Mycroft. The time is 10:55. Check this out, from What are police codes? What is the meaning of the police code 1055?

10–55 means “dead person” or “coroners case.” This would be the ten code used on a police radio when an officer arrives on the scene and finds something dead. Although the code is meant to describe dead people it is often used to describe other dead things like a dead car battery, a dead radio, or dead animal.

Yeah, I know that's a stretch because that's a U.S. code, but still fun to think about. I could make a whole list, though. I still say the filming was brilliant, whether it was purposeful or not.

And because I free associate right off the page, I wound up here

The Kiss of Judice: The Constitution Betrayed - A Coroner's Inquest and Report, Vol.1

Great, now I need another video so I can escape.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

long before I ever heard of the law of one

This playing card is from the the board game
24: Countdown
which I have in my house
In 2008 I struggled with who I feel like I'm supposed to be being. I struggled with my belief system and what I inherently feel is right. I struggled to express myself against a mainstream grain that had me rigidly locked into formation to the point of self destruction. I struggled for my life, my soul, my sanity in a world full of locked rooms, rules about keeping secrets, and masks we were all supposed to be wearing. Colors suddenly seemed very important to me, and it was crucial that I find my color. I kept remembering blue, it permeated my dreams throughout my life, and I could feel it was time to migrate somehow.

Always dreaming, never sleeping, kind of seeming I'm ok,
Touching no one, having no fun, wishing to go out and play.

Hear me whisper, feel me passing, wonder what they think of me,
See me fading, I'm just shadows, tasting only what is free.

No commitment, no surrender, nothing to pretend to hide,
Live forever, slowly dying, falling out of either side.

Keep me running, flying nowhere, prancing round a misty dawn,
Racing stillness, moonlight standing, floating wreaths of breathy prawn.

Nothing matters, worldly guessing, logic hopeless reason chance,
Sculpted meaning, mindless treasure, my place is to sing and dance.

Ever since that spring I've felt like if I don't say what I'm supposed to say, what I'm here to say, I will fail. This is one of the first really honest pieces I ever wrote for public. Bluejacky (originally on xanga) is here to be honest. Going back now and rereading this after running into the Law of One is blowing me away. (That is a simplistic link for easy condensed thought, nothing else.)

(I'm struggling with the format moving this over from original since the coding went through a webkit grinder during server move years ago, and blogger won't let me preview correctly, so I'm winging this. I got it wrestled into a box on the laptop, no telling how it will look on mobile.)

Stars on a blue spectrum are moving toward us. Ever since I was born I have been fascinated by this kind of blue, blue light, blue in nature. I even wanted to be blue. Blue skin, blue hair. I sometimes dream in vivid blue.

Sometimes I feel like I have memories of something other than here as I am now. I have tried reading a few new age books and am a little disappointed at the consistent romanticism, although I long ago reached the conclusion in my childhood without anyone telling me this, that we are here to learn, and that if we fail to learn while we have the chance we get 'stuck' or something. Getting stuck is far worse suffering than any suffering we go through learning to sacrifice ourselves for love. Respect and courtesy for others in any shape or form is more important than any ideas we get in our heads that drive us apart with disdain and violence. Appreciation and contentment are more important than acquisition and pride. Truth is good, forgiveness is better. Our learning boils down to whether we pick being selfish or being selfless. Will we destroy others, or will we become wise and puzzle a way to get along?

If it is true that we travel around this universe (and others?) in all kinds of bodies while our spirits learn and grow wise, then I know I have been other places than here.

Time and distance have no meaning outside this box that contains time and distance.

As a child I looked up at the night sky and knew I came from out there. I felt this long before I ever encountered the idea. I feel like this place now, although I like it very much, is a place I am visiting. This feeling is congruent with many beliefs, including Christianity, Buddhism, and atheism.

When I first was, I was joy. I was energy- glorious, thrilling, exhilarating energy. I knew nothing else. I swam in an endless world of joyful energy, all of us bouncing and rebounding, racing, feeling nothing but joy.

That is what being alive starts out as, I am sure of it. I feel like I remember it. It's a very old memory, one I cherish, one I miss sometimes, without really knowing this or understanding it. But I want to feel that joy again. I want to feel that exhilaration and energy and swim in a sea of joy.

Was that the big bang? Was that the beginning of this universe? Will I ever know?

Over a great deal of time, I feel I became aware of a little bit going on around me. This is me, that is not me. I bump into that. That is what being alive starts teaching us. We are not alone. We interact. And over a great deal of time, we learn that we affect one another.

We start simply. Photons? Were we light? They say we come from the stars, but I'm sure that assumes our bodies are made of the elements created in the stars. What about our spirits, who we are? Is there more than this body? I feel like there is way, way more.

Over another great deal of time we learn concepts. Survive. Work to survive. Cooperate to survive. Absorb to survive. Kill to survive. Rocks don't do this. Algae, viruses, cells, organisms. Are cells self aware in some tiny way? Is that how a universe of cells in a body can communicate and cooperate so quickly? Can we become more than knee-jerk reaction, more than mindless consumption?

Over another great deal of time we learn feelings and the actions they inspire. Loyalty. Protect. Help. Give. Die to insure the survival of the whole. We become a society, aware of others. Tiny birds do this. Some insects do this. Some plants do this. Basic training for everything from the least of these to higher organisms like dogs and people.

Over more time we learn emotional pain. Loss. Anguish. The absence of others. The idea that we cherished others. The need for others. To learn from. To love. To share joy with.

And over more time we learn the strength to withstand all of this, to grow into a new kind of joy that transcends time and place, and who we are. We learn to see it all, appreciate it all, and become- what?

What is next? Please tell me it's not some inert heaven or nirvana where we stop growing. I think we have that concept all wrong.

Perhaps this universe is preparing us for the next one. Or perhaps one day we'll be outside the cauldron of universe bubbles in an completely new way of being, seeing, and feeling.

I love being here. I love learning geology, cosmology, anthropology- the histories of everything I can see. I feel like I am so lucky to be living right now, in this time and place. At no other time in human history has so much information been accessible with my fingertips while I sit in a chair. At no other time has so much knowledge been amassed. We almost know the entire history of the earth, the sun, how long they'll last, the history of our galaxy, it's probable future, and we even now know how old the universe itself is, and so many of its secrets. We were blind like salamanders in a cave only a handful of years ago, and now we can see what seems like everything.

This will never come again in human history. If anything happens to this earth, all this knowledge will be lost. If anyone survives over the next several thousand, or even a few hundred years, what's left of knowledge will become myth and legend. It will be as if we never really existed.

Blue is much more than a color to me. It is something I once was, a state of being, information I don't know how to access, a strong feeling I'm not able to verbalize. Somehow it is part of who I am, and for some reason, it feels important. I realize this could just be a manifestation of my weird aspie brain. But I also wonder if my weird aspie brain is able to feel more than this box world we live in. I have a feeling many more people can feel more than they are able to understand or willing to admit.

Enjoy learning on this earth while we have time. Enjoy that we are all precious.

I've spent years living a double life, tearing my head apart in one direction while I soak up entertainment in another. I love to think. Over the years it's become almost stupidly obvious that entertainment is a brain training medium that seems designed to stultify the actual thought process. I brought up the movie Equilibrium in an old Autisable submission called Psyching Up – Becoming Liberated. I've made a lot of progress since 2011, but even back then my dichotomies were glowing like neon.

I think it’s really bothering him that I can so easily skate around morals and ethics in noncommittal ways. I have a few opinions, but I’ve already realized a long time ago that opinions can change and that having opinions doesn’t necessarily affect the reality around my life. In fact, I believe opinions are rather useless in most instances unless they directly relate to the way I behave toward other people, and we all know I tend to believe the person in front of me is more important than any opinions I might have. I think I’ve lost him somewhere in all that.

I can see now that he was holding space for me as I navigated my way through my jungle. I know now that I learned to dissociate, that I passive aggressively displaced blame, and that I didn't live what I instinctively feel inside is right. I spent many years pinging around in my head like a pinball, defending things I actually don't even believe in. I was trained to do that. All the same, it bothered me, and I felt compelled to sift down meaning before I lost myself in wasted time.

This spring and summer I've been catching up on David Wilcock's stuff. I had always liked all the people on Ancient Aliens and often picked up books some of them wrote, but I had never chased David around the webs. Until this year. Wow, I missed a lot all this time, probably the most and the best, but like all the other synchronicity I talk about, I probably wasn't ready for it yet. As I've been listening to several years of talks, I was very surprised to hear thoughts I'd previously had coming right out of his mouth. I've run into this before, where I think something and then run into it somewhere, and have written about how ideas seem to hit a lot of people all over the world around the same time, and I joke about how all I have to do is relax and wait for someone else to do all the work developing the ideas that I feel compulsed to get into, and it's amazing how many times that has happened. It's like I just think something, I'd like to know more about this or that, and pretty quick, I run into it all over the place. Weirdly, though, quite a lot more poured out of David that I've been thinking about for years and had never run into before, because I've honestly just never looked that hard. It's been exhilarating.

But another very surprising thing showed up in David's talks. He brought up the Cabal... I've been going deep on that for awhile now, shows up on posts going back a few years, figuring out how I fit into the world picture and why I might know more than some others, but then David connected a whole buncha dots putting logic together with spirituality in a world going down a political sinkhole, tossed in Corey Goode (so fitting that his website is down right now, everyone mentioning the Cabal is being ripped out of spacetime) and everything just lit up. The whole point to being here is on the line. Our long line of evolutionary development is right on the edge of tipping over because a few super wealthy people think they own the planet. I already knew millions have been suffering for decades (millennia) for the rich and their games, but I had no idea the portent of now.

I love Jack Bauer. I love Kiefer. I'm sad Kiefer is a tool, but I'm glad I saw his existence. In spite of fails, seeds were planted.

And this was my song when I needed it most during the hardest parts of my life.

Thursday, August 9, 2018


click pic if you'd like to download full size
A lot of people think stuff like that field across the road from my house looks messy. I think it looks beautiful. It's not exactly native prairie, but at least it's fairly indigenous nowadays since it's been neglected so long.

I finally wrapped my head around school shopping. I've decided that this year I need to fix up my bug out bag with a mobile med kit in one of those plastic pencil boxes (I'm always needing alcohol wipes and latex free bandaids or a nail clipper), a mobile post office (cards, stamps, address labels, birthday confetti, address book, colored pens), and possibly several other organized kits. It's silly being caught flatfooted so often. I thought about mailing out a birthday card to my sister 3 different times, and I finally sent it off today and it's going to be late. Anyway, I've also been anxiously checking for my college to show up in the back to school stuff, and there we go, today there was suddenly a whole bunch. And of course, Bunny has corrupted me, I found adult sized Shopkins sox, so I'm ready for back to school now.

I saw my neurologist today for 6 month follow up. I've been going every 6 months for several years. I've had 2 full needle workups making sure my nervous system is still working ok, and he coaches me into physical therapy and meds here and there. He's rather insisting that I try to ramp back up and hold at 300 mg of gabapentin 3x a day again. (I've tried it 3 times now, I keep coming back down to 200 3x.) The ultimate goal is to keep me moving as much as possible, particularly now that I have 'frozen shoulder' coming on, which is when the entire shoulder area gets so difficult to lift that you finally just can't, and the muscles 'freeze' up as they harden with scar tissue. Between the ancient car accident and subsequent years of fibromyalgia, and now arthritis starting to show up with the documented nerve impingement, I'm on my way to losing that arm if I don't keep using it as much as I possibly can. The last round of therapy last spring was brutal, but I am still retaining full range of motion even though the pain is pretty sharp and it's hard to keep moving through it. And by sharp I mean like someone stabbing me hard with a long needle into the nerve that runs over the top of my shoulder. I've been working on this arm since 2015. It was so bad in 2015 that I could barely use that arm at all, and I was close to losing the use of my fingers. I remember my mom's arms and hands finally just curling up until her hands were just fists. Aging doesn't have to be that horrible, but it takes a bit of effort to slow that down if you've got aggressive illnesses like diabetes and/or arthritis.

I'm already hearing stories about knee surgeries, lol. Scott's coworker said whatever I do, do NOT skip the pain med coming off the anesthesia. He said that was about the worst pain he ever went through till the med could kick in again. Personally, I've been through so much pain I kinda doubt I would think it's the worst, but I sincerely don't want to feel it, no.

Today's blood pressure in the office was 151/94, so it's going up again, and obviously both pain and diet related. Even with cutting calories, I'm still getting too much salt. I totally felt that yesterday. I ate an ounce of Cabot seriously sharp cheddar with a normal portion of bite sized Tostitos corn chips and wowzers, talk about a nasty headache. I'm getting so salt sensitive it's unbelievable. I started looking up diets for hypertension and ran into the DASH diet, which is part monitored fasting and mostly very restricted processed animal proteins and lots more fruits and veg. Since my diabetes is already well controlled through diet, now I've gotta control sodium. I obviously can't eat the amount of grains that DASH recommends (too carby), and I can't do the nuts and legumes (allergies), but I can definitely eat more veggies and substitute yogurt for cheese. I'm also going to cautiously try some fasting, but more like how you calorie restrict before a digestive system procedure and you have to empty your whole gut. They make sure you still get 500 calories of clear liquid, but if I do that I'll have to be smart about it, because it can get dangerous on a busy day. I'm not very good at powering through a headache, and I tend to get goofy and make poor decisions anyway, so I'll save that for days nothing is going on.

Oopsie, got lost in youtube. Time to move along.

A quick look at empowerment and politeness vs hidden disability

So an older gentleman with obviously cancer surviving wife beat me to a powered door out of the building. His wife probably had at least 10 years on me, but he may have assumed I'm much younger like people often do. Bless her heart, she shoved right through that power door without the button like it was soft butter. In my experience, powered doors are much more difficult to open than non powered doors if you don't press the button.

Welp, he saw me coming, snapped into polite male toward female mode, and stepped right in front of that power button and said "You first" with an outstretched gesture. He didn't push the door open, just stood there in front of the power button.

Of course, I'm put on the spot. I had to explain that I appreciate it, but I was in a car accident and can't push the door. It got even more awkward that his wife came back and opened the door for me while he froze up to process.

If you are near a power door and want to be polite, PUSH THE BUTTON.

I do not look like I have a disability. I have spent years with the neurologist in that building over a car accident that shredded soft tissue and left me as crippled as if I were 80 before I was even 20 years old. I look good for my age, yes, but I have spent years in physical therapy getting some of my life back. I depend on power buttons as much as anyone in a wheelchair.

I love that people still try to be nice, but I hope to help people learn to be even nicer. It's so easy to reach out and press a button. No one will pounce you for wasting electricity or looking like a wimp. You don't have to prove anything, and I shouldn't have to apologize and explain my life just to get through a door.

Let's keep evolving, guys. Get past the ablist thinking and use the technology. It's there for reasons and it's time to stop debating whether it's wasteful to use it.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018


Big storms blowing thru and can't stay on server without being continually kicked, so I went back to single player where I've been working on my 'casual crisis' approach to conquering stress in my life. Totally forgot you can't sleep in a bed in the nether...

Survival in singleplayer is pretty intense. Probably the hardest part is not having someone to strategize with or whine to. It's all on ME.

I've enjoyed watching others play on server because we're all so different, and nearly everyone has a unique style or quirk that puts more spunk into playing together. If everyone played the same it would get boring really fast, probably not very different from an ant farm. Every single day on the multiplayer server is very different from the day before, like variables constantly being shaken up and piles of dice rolling our fates out.

In the meantime, this bone chip in my knee is hurting like crap and I can't wait to get it out of there.

I don't get to live tweet much any more nowadays, but I do a lot of thinking about Gotham. Gotham isn't a place, it's a truth. It's a compact fictionized visual of real things. We know these things are real, but we think they are far away, somewhere else, in a different sort of life. We're all in Gotham. Some of us just don't know that's what this is.


It would probably be weird to talk about how happy I've felt lately. I know it's weird and a lot of you probably won't understand, but making the decision to stand alone in a spotlight and go rogue against the grain for so many years (bluejacky, Janika Banks, Pinky, Lexxperience, #aspienado) and say all the things I really think that tend to make people take an awkward step back from me for whatever reason has been a very lonely journey. I can't be myself and be friends with people very well, and I say and believe weird things because they aren't mainstream, and even people closest to me take me with enough salt to fill an ocean. Well, some of you have been paying attention for the last 6 years (actually 14 years as a Lexx fan, but srsly really 25 years of internet history), and lately you've seen me jump on a certain political thing, which is very unlike me to do. It turns out I'm not alone at all. There are hundreds, thousands, even millions of people all over the world coming out now with the anon #wakeup movement who think like I do, believe what I do, and want what I do. We see all the ways the masses are kept blind, kept asleep, kept enslaved, and we see the opportunity to change that. I know the world looks especially dark right now, but I am happy. My people have come out to fight the madness that is the New World Order, and I'm not alone at all any more talking about this. It's hard being the only one talking about the Illuminati logo (2016) before anyone else called it that. It's hard being the only one putting Kubrik, Plato, Orwell, and the book of Amos into one post (2015) before anyone else connects all those dots. It's hard discussing human trafficking and women not having any rights being so beautifully filmed in a scifi series (2015) and watching that go viral in Sharia law countries while Americans yawn. I've done none of this for money or attention, and for many years I've been writing about oppression, depression, and surviving being oneself with mental health diagnoses, and to what end? Well, after all these years I can only say I am so very thrilled to be watching all these things come to world attention, to be seeing so many people start standing up for what they really believe in as opposed to viral hype in popularity contests. I am not anon, because I own who I am in a very public spotlight, but I have always stood with anons and you guys know it. I support lurking, I keep saying learn to use your proxies, I make my stuff easy to find and see so no one has to out themselves showing up with an account just to see what I'm doing. #transparency And if the whole would would do that now, just stand up and be yourselves, embrace who we are and what we love in this world, and be kind allowing each other to do that, we might just see World Order and all its slavery toppled. The anons are among us, they have our backs, and they see ways to help free us of tyranny. Trust the plan. We may see the world slave owners tumble down within our lifetimes.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

pinky's brain crammed into one post

click for more

~started yesterday~

So I'm doing this 1500 calorie thing again because it worked in 2011, but the main difference now is every time I start keeping track, my day/week winds up remapping into a whole new set of objectives, like lose 4 pounds, drop everything for crisis, put two pounds back on dealing with it, and it's just not a smooth one direction thing like last time. In the last 4 months I've rescheduled several things 2-3 times each until I finally just gave up and said ok, not happening, just toss it way out there a few months ahead and hopefully everything will be settled back down when we come back around to them. Everything from dental cleaning to surgery has gotten tossed around the calendar like I'm rolling dice. I've had some pretty out of control years, but this one feels like I'm hanging on in a rodeo.

Meanwhile I can feel that bone chip sliding around my knee, now that I know what that is, and it's weird how nauseated it makes me feel now thinking about it, so I just try not to. It slipped into a bad spot a few times today, and finally feeling it slide out and get squished to the back behind my knee about made me sick. All these years I've been mentally blocking that pain, and now that I can visualize it (thank you, MRI), I'm so grossed out I can hardly stand it.

These things took precedence on my silver anniversary-

  • A loud argument next door that bonenado had to go break up
  • A rescheduled birthday party displaced twice between a vacation and then a broken arm
  • Someone I don't even know dying but wound up getting texts over
  • Another person's cancer announcement from a church I don't even go to any more
  •  A few other things but those are the biggies.

I guess the rest of my life will be like that. I guess that's what getting older is like. Everything from now on is all bad news and other people's problems. There's no escape unless I literally go live alone completely off the grid.

I'm getting better at not caring any more. It used to upset me that every time I had *one* day for myself, after maybe months of not having any, that day would be slammed with so much other people's stuff. It took me awhile to realize it's always been that way, and it's like that for everybody. Several people have noticed, though, that it does seem awfully coincidental with me for some reason, like the second it's finally my turn for something, 4 people slam me immediately with bad news or crisis or something. I have literally gotten back to back phone calls of pure meltdown from several unrelated people/situations within seconds of thinking "I feel pretty good today."

So my silver anniversary going by unnoticed was fine with me. I mean, bonenado got me a nice card and even handed me some extra cash to toss into my account, and I joked that I got a good wife bonus, but other than that, it was just another day. If I had spent one second thinking about how it should be special, I'm pretty sure someone would have died just to jinx it, so it's better that it stayed low key so no one would die from the cosmos making a joke about it.

What am I saying. I just said up there someone died. *slaps forehead*

~now it's today~

I know that list up there looked really selfish. That is my narcissist-autism diagnosis. How the universe rebounds off of me and my existence is the first instinctual reaction, which is kinda like being stuck in that 5 year old ego phase. I openly admit this has been one of my biggest challenges all my life. I'm not a naturally forgiving and empathetic person. Of course I feel bad for other people having worse days, good lord. But part of transparency in my personal blogging is allowing public to get a glimpse of how my head works, because I know it's hard being around people like me not understanding what makes us tick.

Every day naturally revolves around me because I am in this body living these moments head on. This is the animal level of our existence. But I have this wonderful mind that can think outside the box, and over the years I've evolved through a whole journey of complex thinking that started with 'everyone is so stupid' to 'why can't they see and fix their own stuff' to 'aw, all our heads are unique' to 'it's actually easy to forgive other people for being unique, kind of like how pets are unique' to 'God, please help all my people have a good day because life is hard and we're having a hard time'. I really do pray that. If I listed all the people I think about every single day, everyone who crosses my mind while I get through my own stuff, you would likely find yourself on this list, unless you're one of the darker lurkers who has never surfaced on the webs in front of me.

I dealt with a lot of autism and narcissism related things on my last Pinky blog before I migrated here, so if you are new and want more, there's your links. I might eventually organize a few pages here like a library system, group up links kind of thing.

I have been crazy 'bizzy' (Bunny says she gets bizzy when she twirls in circles), so I haven't been focus blogging here that much yet. I'll get some specific tags going with this post so that can start happening again.

Months ago I said I need to get back to sharing real life pix again. Time slid crazily by. I've been trying to get back to my Lexxperience work. I feel like I'm hanging on by fingertips to the edge of a tipping iceberg. Lists? HA. Every time I even make a list now my life explodes in 19 different directions.

And yet, things keep getting done...

I have about 6 hours to catch up on a big pile of chores around my house. I'm not sure what happened, but my family suddenly dove in and purged the livingroom and it's looking really nice, so it's my turn to dive back in and keep my regular chores caught up. They don't know I was up nearly all night because pain, but it's all good and I'm functional today and I can totally do this. Just need to wrap my head around and get started.


2 hours just slid by. Dark and raining outside, house is so quiet, cool mood. I just need peace, you know? The world is such a rat race. In my house alone we have 2 1/2 incomes (not counting my meager SSI) and still live check to check. We live on bare basics, nothing fancy, more in the lower end of middle class. It wouldn't take much to cripple us into another bankruptcy. And that's the way the world works now, isn't it? That's just the way it's going to be now. Unless something happens and the world flips. I was halfway joking years ago that all it would take is the grids going down to automatically throw our nation into debt forgiveness. I mean, if you can't access digital debt, it's just gone, right? And then we'd have to start from scratch because our grid system is such a crazy cobbled mess of really old machinery plugged into new tech. Seriously, our national grid system is barely functional as a systemic failsafe for our population. 5G is going up everywhere, and it would be a cinch to knock it all back offline just because our grid system is a mess.

Aging And Unstable, The Nation's Electrical Grid Is 'The Weakest Link'

How Power Grid Hacks Work, and When You Should Panic

The 9 Worst Designed Cities in the US

Iraq Power Grid Shows U.S. Flaws

Energy | ASCE's 2017 Infrastructure Report Card

And that's just the top of a long list in google search looking for flaws in the U.S. grid system.

Ok, back to whatever my in the moment is. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Check out the coolest kickstarter ever.

And if you want something with some crazy cosmic intellectual meat in it, click this next for another youtube that can fill up the void around you while you get through another day. Dismiss how weird it is, just let go and float into the possibilities. It's like real life scifi opening new doors.

For those of you who immediately scrolled down for the walk-off vid, first, this teaser.

Which makes us happyhappyhappy. I can walk away now.

Monday, August 6, 2018


My silver anniversary slid past without any fanfare, which is probably a good thing in my chaotic part of the multiverse.

Power point.

  • It's a pity I am pithy but my brain's completely miffy.

Makes more sense if you saw me spin out a little on twitter. I'm crashing down a little from another one of my euphorias.

Anyway, @boneado rocked, got me a sweet card and we did a little math about where to aim for when golden slides through. #goals

Friday, August 3, 2018

casual crisis

There are several words and phrases that aren't in my personal vocabulary. My top two are can't and have to.

I can do anything if I want to. I can survive horrible real life stuff that sounds impossible, and I have. I can make stuff happen on a fluke because I feel like it, and things get done. I can opt out and take a nap for whatever reason I need. But something not happening isn't because I can't, and something happening isn't because I have to.

I play online with a variety of ages and backgrounds, and one of the things I run into sometimes is off the cuff comments like "I can't play singleplayer because I get bored from ADD". I guarantee if you couldn't move out of your bed to make your life less miserable and all you had to occupy you was singleplayer for a week, you'd conquer it out of sheer boredom. You f*ng do not know what boredom is until you have been stuck in a bed unable to move or even talk to anyone for hours at a time, weeks at a time, months at a time, and maybe even years at a time.

Don't limit yourselves.

While I was going through sackfuls of old papers sitting by a shredder the other day, I ran into my old GRE scores. Since they're from before 2011, I had to put them through a conversion chart. Old GRE Scores: Do They Still Work? And then I looked up what an average person gets on their scores so I'd have context for my own scores. Average scores on Graduate Record Examination (GRE) general and subject tests: 1965 through 2011

I talked about the time I took my GRE tests at don't stop believing, just dance. I didn't say what my scores were on that post. I focused instead on the weird response I got from the professors who finally decided to allow me into graduate college, since my scores were high on two of the tests and low on the third.

If you are unfamiliar with GRE testing, here are some brief descriptions.

  • Verbal reasoning is the ability to comprehend and reason using concepts expressed through words. A verbal reasoning test is a form of aptitude test used by interviewers to find out how well a candidate can assess verbal logic, and how successfully they can extract the correct meaning from complex written information.
  • By one definition, quantitative reasoning (QR) is the application of basic mathematics skills, such as algebra, to the analysis and interpretation of real-world quantitative information in the context of a discipline or an interdisciplinary problem to draw conclusions that are relevant to students in their daily lives.
  • The Analytical Writing section requires you to provide focused responses based on the tasks presented, so you can accurately demonstrate your skill in directly responding to a task.
  • Although the GRE® Analytical Writing measure contains two discrete analytical writing tasks, a single combined score is reported because it is more reliable than a score for either task alone.

Before I go on, the next relevant thing to know is percentiles. Percentiles are like the fallout list, how all the scores stack up in a population. If you fall into the 50 percentile, you score right about even between the highest and lowest scores that came back.

  • Percentile” is in everyday use, but there is no universal definition for it. The most common definition of a percentile is a number where a certain percentage of scores fall below that number. You might know that you scored 67 out of 90 on a test. But that figure has no real meaning unless you know what percentile you fall into. If you know that your score is in the 90th percentile, that means you scored better than 90% of people who took the test.

So I have 3 scores, I have a chart of average scores for the year I took the tests, and I have my percentile ranks. I can see how I did compared to other people, basically, and why this was a big deal to those professors. I took the GRE in 1992, so that's what I'm going by on the chart.

I got 520 on my verbal. Average that year among all test takers was 483. I wound up in the 63 percentile. I scored better than 63% of test takers.

I got 530 on my quantitative. Average that year among all test takers was 561. I wound up in the 21 percentile. I scored better than 21% of test takers.

I got 600 on my analytical. Average that year among all test takers was 537. I didn't see a chart conversion for the percentile, but since I scored above average, I'm pretty sure my percentile is at least over 50%.

You can see that one of those is not like the others. For someone who nearly flunked high school and had no support in my family as I single parented working overtime through college, those high scores aren't too shabby. Toss in a 60 on global assessment and autism spectrum and I can casually blow a few socks off over the story about driving there alone under all kinds of stress. But that's not the point.

The point is I could have said I can't, and the point is that I never ever told myself I have to do this. I decided I wanted to. And then I did it.

I had no coaching at all, didn't preview any pre-test advice or practice, had no idea what in the world I'd even be doing, missed one deadline and barely squeaked into a chair in another state in time for the last one, drove home miserable and worn out not knowing whether any of it was even worth it because it didn't make sense to me, and turned out it wasn't too shabby.

I almost didn't get into graduate school because of math. I was the all-time highest scoring math tester getting into a certain nursing school a few years after that, and not because I took any more math classes. Circumstances dictate some outcomes, but we can pounce all over whatever ball bounces across our courts if we care to. Ironically, I did just fine with analytical statistics in grad school.


Ok, that went in a completely different direction than originally intended, but I guess that was on my mind.

Power point since I wanna be done with this now-

  • I'm tired.
  • I'm really tired.
  • I'm really super tired.
  • I'm so tired that Tuesday I thought it was Sunday, Wednesday I thought it was Thursday, Thursday I thought it was Wednesday, and today I thought it was Thursday.
  • I'm also so tired that the stupid overtook me and I nearly sliced my best finger's whole tip off on a stupid can lid.
  • I'm so tired that I'll probably sleep through the pain of that just fine.

I used to get really good random youtube suggestions to help me walk off the page, but since I got into the Q stuffs, all the fun junk kinda fell off the radar. So I put in crazy search parameters to see if anyone got silly enough to make a fun David Wilcock fanvid (bad lip reading, auto tuning, crazy shipping, ~anything~ right, and I'm so disappointed in the serious crowd not being able to lighten up a little because I'm bored and want more) and immediately got this Sherlock in the middle of a list of some of the wildest alt pseudo world ending fun that I can only assume it's a note from my higher cosmic synchronized self letting me know it's ok, and I'm on the right track wanting more of David's brain on my laptop. (And David's going "Buy my books..." lol.)

Monday, July 30, 2018


click for humer 😁
Busy day, long week coming up, camping out in the part of my head that keeps me floating above it all so I can stay focused and sane and hopefully sweet.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

the Pinklist begins

~started last week and I forgot about it~

I was wondering how long it would be before a hijacker hopped on. I'd like to gratz my first to show up, the ever popular pizza imperia that actually clicks out to parkabovedotcom with a 20-line script just in the address that probably gets my dental records while it's at it.

The ultimate list of referrer spam

I recognize at least 20 on that list that made me crazy on my last blog. Interesting note, I didn't get ANY of that on this new blog until I listed it with my google properties. Made over 40 posts without any hitchhikers, and then I blew it. *shakes fist at google*


Also, Peru has joined my merry mashup of miscreants. It's the richest country in the world, and also the top cocaine producer. They have all kinds of cool stuff there, like mummies and the Inca, mystical doorways to other worlds across the cosmos, Nazca lines, Cusco, and ancient elongated skulls that some purport to be alien-human hybrids. Also, besides their politics being scary, I think they have bunkers in the mountains for the uber wealthy around the world in case an asteroid hits or they decide to nuke everyone per the Georgia Guidestones. Hi, Peru. *waves*

For newbies, this goes back to The Pinklist, and more fun with GWT hijacking on my old blog.

~now it's today~

Hello, person who opened every single thing openable on here in 10 minutes flat and I can see your house because failure to mask. Thanks for the multiple shares, pretend I served you some complimentary nachos, and kudos for the crazy widget trails that looked like you were copying every piece of code on my page. If this was bait, you're not the first. If this was a hack, sorry if you didn't get much. If this was pure innocence, not a clue what that blitz was. It's really rare I see a visitor trail blazing through like the one you left today. *standing up, slow clap* Brava.

Andy Baio: Think You Can Hide, Anonymous Blogger? Two Words: Google Analytics

Actually, statcounter caught that, I didn't even waste my time looking for you in analytics.

Ok, on to real life. Crazy weekend, some of you following caught the kiddo broken arm surgery overnight in hospital thing. We're on the second night, comes home tomorrow. Thanx to everyone across my medias and gaming who expressed concerns and good cheer, and now I'm in faceplant spoonie mode while bonenado takes care of a few things this evening. I'm back on duty tomorrow for trip home from hospital, and may not be available for much else.

3 1/2 weeks until my double surgery, so the race is on against a cosmos aiming for the big target painted on my life, will I complete my mission to win back my bedroom before the big recovery week? Bets are on, and if I manage to successfully duck and dodge in slo-mo it'll be pure accident. I'm definitely in dumb wut? mode right now. I'm this close to Arthur Dent tripping and majestically flying level. (Definitely worth the click and read if you don't know wth I'm talking about.)

This just came in on notifications (likely a fan reupload to keep it available), so go bump up your brain and awareness levels. David Wilcock 2018 * With Zero Point Energy and Advanced Propulsion Technology! Original channel is at Divine Cosmos and possibly content shadowed by Discover the Secret. The main thing is pure information not available in mainstream education. It's nice finding people who spend lifetimes on research on information that is very difficult to get openly. Freedom of information and freedom of speech are an illusion, and I appreciate people putting their lives on the line to keep sharing.

Saturday, July 28, 2018

wascally wabbit

One of my life challenges is being a germ phobe. So when a rabbit plunged underneath my kitchen table and knocked over an electric popcorn popper I was storing underneath against the wall and then sat on the nonwashable nonstick cooking surface, I automatically nixed that popcorn popper from future use. That's how I am.

I didn't use to be that stringent. Many years of chronic illness later, I am keenly aware that germs can wreak havoc in our bodies. I grew up on a farm, and although I was strong and very capable of long work days (the horror, lol), I am not a strong adult. Pathogens and injuries are cumulative, and every day I face hard work just getting out of bed and keeping a routine going.

My depression went into the extremes this last year, but I kept doggedly at least keeping up with a schedule, forcing myself to keep cleaning up after others over and over, day in and day out. We have a verbal agreement that as long as they are out making money and living emotionally healthy lives, I will do the laundry and the dishes, and I throw in cleaning the bathrooms once in awhile. I've already made it through one surgery during this extra challenge, basically still doing all these chores myself when I should have probably been in bed, and in about a month I face a double surgery that will knock me off a chore schedule for at least a week or two. Right hand, right knee. You can imagine the fail I feel looking around my house. I could post pictures, but since a 'friend' showed up out of the blue and put my house all over the internet some years ago, and then a visiting group from China walked through my house another year unannounced, taking pictures over every room including the pile of dirty dishes on my counter during one of my chronic months when everything fell apart, I don't feel inclined to add to that kind of stuff.

In short, no one cleans up after me. They gag just cleaning up after themselves, so they don't. I find dishes all over the house, dirty socks have sat on my kitchen counter next to open food, stuff in the fridge I never bought will sit and rot until I throw it out, and on really bad days my house smells like something died.

I spent the first two days of this 'vacation' airing out my house, scrubbing the trash can, deep cleaning bathrooms and floors, literally disinfecting a rabbit cage that stunk to high heaven, on top of executing a new plan.

This is obviously no longer 'my house'. I am allowed to live here, yes, but all three stories are saturated with other people's things. A lot of my stress is about shared space. I'm a phobe, it's hard for me to share space. I need a place to withdraw, which is difficult. A person might not believe she did this, but three different times in the week before departure, I was walked in on in my own bedroom without so much as a knock, and the talking started the second the door was open. No knock, no hello mind if I come in and tell you something, no good morning or how's it going. Just full on walking in without warning. She's 30. It's my house, my bedroom. My mind is blown every time that happens. I don't own one square foot of sanctity or solitude in my own home. And I'm very forgiving of it because I know, given the personalities of the people I married into, this is much better than fussing.

But I need a boundary. I spent this week 'pulling back'. I cleaned out the last of my stuff in the livingroom and pulled in into my bedroom. Everything that is not mine or Scott's is going to be pushed out of my bedroom before my double surgery date. By the time I'm home recovering from surgery, I will have a clean peaceful bedroom to rest in.

I'm done with the rabbit. I like rabbits, I grew up with rabbits, but nothing is being done to satiate this rabbit's craving to chew, and it's only a matter of time before our expensive electronics become useless. No attention has been given to putting a little time and effort into protecting electrical cords to appliances that will cost thousands to replace. No pet toys for chewing show up. This rabbit has spent weeks throwing itself against the cage door upstairs. It absolutely hates living here. I had the rabbit brought down to the kitchen to care for while everyone was gone, and aside from being shut into a bathroom for a few hours to hop around every day, which it hates, throwing itself against and chewing the door, it has been in its cage, and I daresay, this is the longest its cage has been this clean since it moved into this house. This is not a happy rabbit. It feels the same way I feel, trapped and helpless to do anything about it.

I got a lot done though. Stripping out drawers and being able to lay everything out on my livingroom floor for a week without anyone walking on or moving any of it has been delightful. The longer my stuff sat all around me being organized, the lower my stress went until I was so relaxed that I actually felt good. I was doing all kinds of work with very little pain stopping me.

They come home today, any time now. I woke up 2 hours ago with a headache, and every joing in my body hurts. Interesting.

I love my people. I think they are fine the way they are, and this is just how it is. I don't think I fit in with them. I have made myself fit with with lots of concessions over many years. That has taken a big toll on me. I am different and they don't understand, just like they don't really see how the rabbit feels. They don't know what to do for me, so they walk off, just like they walk off from the rabbit. I don't feel an affinity for the rabbit because it's just more work, in my opinion. Whatever 'love' that is supposed to be going on with a pet is being entirely lost on this rabbit. It's just a piece of furniture, a fluffy doll to babysit the kid, something to learn about life on.

Unlike the rabbit, I don't feel like I'm something to learn about life on. I am a useful servant. In my own home.

I needed to get this out before my people walk in the door. It helps just to get the words out of the way. I hate judgmentalism because I grew up with it, and I'm finding out it takes a lot to keep positivity in focus. I hate being a cranky gripey person, and not feeling well makes it harder to be sweet. I want them to be happy to come home. I want to be happy to see them. I did miss them, but I sure didn't miss the extra work.

Time to let this go. Maybe I can sneak that popcorn popper out to the trash before they pull in.

p.s. I've been bringing in handfuls of fresh clover from the yard for the rabbit, also has things to chew on this week, plus a little fresh lettuce. It's been a bit calmer, but until it's free of this cage, I'm afraid it will always be sulky, and I don't blame it one bit.

Friday, July 27, 2018

revolutionary David Wilcock- my fave brain on the planet, and you will be tested over that

click for facebook

:edit:  Since the vid has been pulled, that's all we get here now. You will still be tested on this. 😂

If you are bored, here is every post I made on my old blog that has the word "David" in it.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

brain trained to fight for our right to ignorance

Click this to get lost in pages of fun stuff.

So if you were interested in what I glossed over the other day about the 12 Monkeys mocking the Nazis having a 'bell' (die glocke) that was important to the time traveling (time ending) city-sized machine called Titan, you might also find this historical compilation of interviews about very real science and experimentation compelling. I loved it.

I've said often enough that what most of us see on television is old science. What most of us barely even understand yet in science fiction is already last decade's antique trash. There's a lot of 'new' science showing up in several scifi shows last five years, but they gloss over it so quickly assuming no one will get it and instead focus on the interrelationships among team members or coping strategies of groups that the science gets lost.

What if you are seeing stuff nearly every day on television that is not only 'new' science for real, but technology we could actually be using now if it weren't for a handful of people at the top of the food chain not allowing us to have access? Because it really is true that people have already invented cars that can run very cheaply on other things than gas, that electricity can be shared and stored more efficiently in other ways than we have access to, that providing food and health care to the entire world would actually be much cheaper than fighting wars for world bankers who are wealthier than whole countries.

It really is true, and people keep dying trying to get that information out to us.

And that struggle to keep truth coming out to the public is scarier and more intense than any movie you've ever watched about fictional espionage, about any series you've ever been glued to about national defense, international strain, or corporate crime.

What if it's all real, and the people committing their lives to keeping truth alive are really in the fight for their lives, right now?

What do we really know about Julian Assange? You can say what you want, but a movie just about this last year would be intensely gripping. What do we really know about mainstream media? You can say what you want, but the timing of certain events have become so conspicuously regular and even perfectly timed that they are being predicted ahead of time regularly now. What do we really know about anything on this earth, except what we hear on opinionated talk shows and see through viral memes? You can say what you want, but no one can say anything any more without either being drowned out in automatic bah humbug or agreeing with a stampeding crowd just to keep peace with friends on social media.

What if everything you ever wanted to know about anything real going on was actually all available right under your noses with simple thumb clicks, and your brain was already so trained to brush it off as ridiculous that you never got to really know something you always really wanted to know?

My dad go so excited about gyros and torsion fields when I was a kid. He never had a real science class in his life. He got so excited about people trying to say things and then they'd be hushed up again. We all kind of shook our heads.

And now I'm finding out every bit of it was true. All the science Hitler was amassing in the brains he stole. All the crazy science that big corporations shut down because they were so busy making money on people not knowing anything. All the really cool far out futuristic science that we all eventually just brushed aside as pipe dreams because anyone who knew anything kept disappearing or dying or something and mainstream media never reported on that kind of stuff...

They kept us stupid. Even the smartest among us are stupid. We think we know stuff, but we barely know half the stuff that died and got buried along with some of the brightest brains on the planet.

Except there are some really bright brains trying their damnedest to share it, and we keep brushing them off.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

a piece of my life in a drawer

So I'm cleaning out a drawer making more room to share space, pulling my own things back into tighter and tighter concentric circles around me, very physically, a household of personal things being pulled into one room.

I run into notebooks all the time with moments written on them, scratched out in a hurry before I'd forget how I was feeling, before something or someone else could interrupt my thoughts.

There was a year where my world fell apart into 'bubble worlds', and I couldn't tell which one I was in, which one was real. That was the first time I ever said out loud I need help. Some people call it a nervous breakdown, but my psychologist said I was fine and just needed to baby step my way through a monitored hormone crash that lasted for 2 months. My TSH (thyroid) flipped from too low to off the chart too high (hyperthyroid) while I was crashing off of 2 decades of birth control to handle a blood pressure problem. I had 3 doctors and a psychologist watching me, and I was in touch with them in rotation almost daily.

I just found this in a drawer.

Suddenly I felt caught up in a gyro, pitched forward, yawing wildly, a little pebble flung into a pond, the surface rippling apart into worlds of bending light, and no longer could I tell them apart. What was real? Lost in a freefall, I glimpsed a face, grasped a tiny thread almost out of my reach, running through all the worlds and tying them back into one. I nearly let go, fearful that I'd mistaken insanity for hope, but how do I not follow a little boy I never knew to the depths? I had to find where I left him, and perhaps find myself.

I spent a week talking to a young man who was my son. I didn't tell anyone until later that I did that. He was with me in the car and around the house, talking with me, laughing, telling me things like he'd spent his entire life with me. It was so real that I couldn't tell it wasn't real.

I never gave birth to a son. I'd had an abortion.

Ever since that experience, I've had a different view on who we really are, what life is really all about here, and how important it is that we find a way to heal from our fear and anger. Love is very important, and it's never lost. It waits for us. People wait for us. And they are with us while they wait.

undrowning in my own house, or, just eat the cheese already

snips are from cards over the years

Exactly 5 months until Christmas Eve, the biggest holiday of the year that periodically mocks my life. I'm currently 2 days into my 5-day crisis management plan, the crisis being that every day of my life is governed by the continual crises of other people, the management being taking back my house, dagnabit.

For the most part, I am not a materialistic person. I watched confliction pull my mom apart from her own more materialistically oriented family (the kind of quiet wealth where she knew of at least one person a generation back who had a luxuriously golden bathroom, yes, real gold), and although it's nice to have nice things and look nice and be nice people, it's also very disturbing to see how ugly some people can be behind those very nice things.

Sorry if this is hard to read.

When I was a little girl I was told "Pretty is as pretty does", and I grew up noticing how hard people try to hide how ugly they really act when they are trying their best to be pretty people with pretty houses. It made no sense to me that my mom was her ugliest on Sundays, when she was under pressure to get four children to church. Incongruity is one of my favorite words, because I thought about it so much.

Christians being racist make me physically nauseous, thanks to my beautifully ugly grandmother cutting her own son off from her life. I cannot even imagine rejecting my own grandchildren, and would never dream of turning a child of mine away from my house, and that very much includes a step child. She is mine. I raised her, I love her, I will never not care deeply for her and her child. I try to imagine sometimes going back in time and having a discussion with my grandmother, with her at this age I am.

My own life in this house feels like insane hilarity and jocularity in a sort of cosmic joke kind of way, where whenever I even attempt to pretend I come from nice and pretty people, everything around me explodes apart into crisis after crisis until I am so beaten down that simply falling on my face as gracefully as possible for the millionth time is wearing me out badly enough that I can barely function emotionally. I have to switch everything inside of me off to make everything else around me ok, and usually everything around me is so chaotic that all I see is other people flailing through their lives. They may think they're holding it together, but what they're really doing is flailing from one crisis to the next in pretty clothes.

I have very real PTSD over the compulsion to look our best. Both my sisters had eating disorders in high school, I was a chain smoking alcoholic when I looked my prettiest (skinniest), and I know other psychological disorders very well, thanks to extended friends and family with a variety of challenges, so I recognize that my own life is about surviving other people's crises all around me in my own home. I am surviving poor coping skills, a host of displacement behaviors, all kinds of fallout originally intended to fix the happiness factor that can't possibly be maintained, and I'm the one drowning.

I'm drowning in materialism. I'm drowning in things. I'm drowning in products that promise beauty and happiness and better living. My house is so full of junk continually coming into it that I can't walk through a single part of it and not see it. I can't escape it, I can't make it stop, I can't put it anywhere that it will stay. The funniest part is that I'm the one home all day long with all this stuff.

I could be an ugly person and draw big ugly boundaries so that I have a beautiful house, or I can choose to be a pretty person and allow spillways of people I love splashing through my life and have a beautiful home. Because of the emotional traumas I saw and went through growing up, I will never make a material object worth more to me than another person's feelings. I want to be happy to see the faces of the people I love, not angry because they messed up something material.

But I really need my bedroom back. I need to stop feeling like I'm swimming through my own house. I need a safe place to hide. Maybe it's time to make a boundary.

I could go on, but I don't want to be an ugly person. Being walked in on without knocking (not talking about the child) is better than not being spoken to. Sharing space with people is better than being alone.

These are the other people I wish I could see.
It's been years again.

Like I finally said out loud for the first time in my life the other day, though- I've been cleaning up after people since I was seven years old. That's how old I was when I started folding laundry, doing dishes, cooking, cleaning the house, and helping my dad with the chores outside. Come October I will have spent 50 years of my life cleaning up after other people and their animals with no pay or reward back except that I get to live in a house I didn't pay for. My biggest challenge lately is not feeling peevish. I think about all the women all over the world over thousands of years who could probably say the same thing. There is no escape or relief, there is nothing that can ever repay us, and our only reward is seeing our people thrive because we worked so hard behind them.

It's lately come to my attention that I've been keeping up all this time with a bone chip from my thigh bone migrating around the band of tissue holding my knee together. "There is a focal full-thickness chondral defect present involving the central weightbearing portion of the lateral femoral condyle measuring 0.6 x 0.7 cm in the transverse and AP dimensions with a mild degree of underlying reactive edema-like marrow signal abnormality. A similar sized chondral body is present within the lateral compartment adjacent to the posterior aspect of the lateral femoral condyle. Intermediate grade chondromalacia is present involving the patellofemoral compartment with surface irregularity and partial-thickness fissuring."

I went out to pic clover and zucchini for BunBun and felt sorry for the maters.

Basically, I have this one week to rearrange my life so that I will be able to heal comfortably after surgery next month. I have a handful of days to do all the things for myself ahead of time that I know other people won't have the time to do for me later. After that everything will go wildly out of control again while I'm stuck healing, and as soon as I can get around, I will be swimming through more new (and used, thanks Goodwill!) things coming into my home.

I know a few people who will find it alarming that I've started matching up all my novelty sox in desperate effort to feel more organized. Yes, it's that bad.


Hang on, where's my just wonderful song?

Monday, July 23, 2018

the not so secret space program


My head is in 50 different places and I haven't really been talking about it all, so maybe I can lay it out here.

So of course it's really interesting listening to the Cosmic Disclosure interviews talking about die glocke around the same time I've been watching scifi written around it on 12 Monkeys (in a blown off way on that episode, until you take the entire season into account). A new space program has been announced, social medias are ramping up the verbal mud flinging around neo Nazi lingo that most people don't understand, and scifi is openly and very brazenly running with the bit mapping out what the hell a psychotic elite wants to do with this level of technology. As you can imagine, I'm loving every bit of it in a multidimensional level kind of way.

I've also this summer been watching myself from several angles while mostly staying mindfully centered (god, how broken am I), and I feel like a more holistic me is waking up to wondering how in the world I stayed really innocent for so long, even in my cynicism, and whether I really am ready yet to keep going forward to more. Psychologically, I love leaping around mountain crags for fun, like a goat maybe, but emotionally I am usually in the ravine far below, a bit of a turtle barely getting around a little ditch. Lately it feels like those extremes are meeting more in the middle, but at the same time it feels like I have everything turned off inside, and I seem to be aware of that, not oblivious to it. I'm in real time, I'm processing and knowing, and the emotional processing lag seems to be abating, but the real time stuff seems way less intense than having to sludge through the lag for some reason. Maybe it's because all that stuff got piled up in the past? I dunno. I do feel better about things in general, way less anxious, and a lot more realistic about what I can handle, so I think my real time is a lot healthier lately.

I finally claimed a webmii account.

Was surprised to see my score back up after a dismal winter, yay.

Right behind you, Lisa!

I know it seems dumb, but that is celebrity status for non celebrities. I'll use Gerald Webb as an example because he's a Snarkalec.

Or like Ellen Dubin because she's from Lexx.

Y'all know Benedict Cumberbatch has it made, thanks to his prolific fandom. I'm really glad he beats out Mark Zuckerberg.

You could play with that all day. Scores go up and down in real time depending on fresh and stable content and whether it's been looked at kind of thing. If you don't work for it yourself, someone else works hard on the webs for you with their content. The single biggest hook is having a unique name, or at least winding up at the top of a common name heap, although that alone won't pull a higher number for you.

Not too shabby.

Sorry, I'm waiting for a plane to land, just filling up my time. I've already reflexively almost knee-jerked into gotta do something for my people mode several times in the last hour and a half. I'm so used to stop, drop, and jumping for other people that this week is going to be an interesting experiment in how well I handle focusing on my own needs and relaxation and creativity and stuffs.


Slept good, no weird nightmares, got my coffee, time to get on game. I've been moderating on a game server for a few months, usually in the mornings, and it seems to keep my head focused. I'm able to plan out and execute goals and strategies in game while juggling helping other players problem solve, and that seems to be helping my head relate back to real life. I used to make my lists and stuff. I barely make lists any more, only for big goals and not every little thing. Like this week, I have opportunities galore to do things in this house, so of course I have a list. Wasn't that long ago, couple or three years, my life was falling apart without a daily list. My brain is working so much better now. The change began when I weaned off the major meds and cleared out my head, but the really big change came after the sudden big wheat allergy. Since September 2014 I've not had any wheat at all in any form in my diet. Took a little time, but the fog lifting was almost immediate. The ability to think, read, and write, got easier over time. Add the CPAP last year and my brain took off like a kite. This year I feel like I have a lot of those IQ points back, thinking is way easier now, I'm remembering things better, staying time oriented.

I still have meltdowns here and there, usually med change related, pull me off the med, problem solved. If I'm getting emotional about something that's not my business or doesn't directly concerned me, that's a red flag. I know other people get emotional all the time over whiffs of political breeze, but I don't and never have because I was raised on political and religious debate since I was tiny. I can care deeply about issues and logic circles around people without getting all melty downy about it, so if I'm triggering over something small, time to look around inside and see what's going on that I need to personally deal with.

Was hearing on one of those cosmic disclosure interviews that the reason we aren't contacted and worked with directly already is because humans are way too emotional. We freak out over the tiniest things, we hate first and question later (if at all), we let emotions get in the way of problem solving, we pretty much screw ourselves and our relationships over emotions. That's why MK Ultra works so well with the CIA, they can rearrange braining into shoving emotions over, people get overwhelmingly big jobs done, and then they crack later when it's all over. Same with celebrities. How many of us would be able to work 16+ hour days in all kinds of conditions or live on tour buses for months at a time without cracking wide open? All of that is conditioned 'training'. They don't have to remember how hard it was.

Rebuilding memory after that kind of conditioning is hard. I never had professional conditioning, but to be broken by the broken (deep discussion with my psychologist over a parent being partially conditioned as a child) is probably just as bad, if not worse. The PTSD is real no matter how it's done.

I remember so many times as a child that I felt like a doll. I felt separate from this body. I'd look at my arms in horror and realize I was a trapped in a walking skeleton. Well, that is one of the key symptoms of dissociation. When my own little girl said she felt like a doll when she was young, my radar went full alert. I knew exactly what she meant. She had gone through actual abuse as a baby, and I finally got her away from her dad, but that doesn't fix the past. Subconsciously she will probably always deal with that turned off feeling popping up without warning, even though she seems emotionally very healthy now and handles life amazingly well, far better than I ever did at her age with a child.

Anyway, so if there really is a reveal coming concerning the space program, the toughest reveal will probably be that our own kept us slaves, not them. Well, the global elite seem to think they come from the gods and are natural royalty with bloodlines that must be kept track of, but they use all of us like slaves, caught in a monetary trap that we can never escape from. I've often thought for years how the only way to ever fix this mess the world is in would be to reset it, just dump the entire global digital network and free everyone from debt. Think about it, nearly everything digital is about debt.

What if there really was a way to leap past that into the sort of life that we see on Star Trek? What if the whole global structure could be reorganized so that we ALL get fed, get healthcare, get housing, get education, get good jobs, have nice lives, and none of us are in debt? What if part of the global alliance is about reaching that place?

We'd need to do away with royalty owning countries, world bankers holding the poor hostage, etc. How do you do that without a war? Especially if they own all the guns...

What if a war is going on right now? What if all this stuff I'm hearing is true?

One of the most interesting things I heard was that all this crazy rain was a snapback from the HAARP machines being turned off. I'd like to believe that. Who would be crazy enough to literally hold the earth hostage and force weather patterns to change, right? It can be done, I've looked at some of the science, but who in their right mind would make the world worse over it instead of better???

I need to get back on game, I'm afk over there while I work on paragraphs here. I'm currently mining out a layered road system all through and subdivided plots in a town I'm making. The roads will go down all the way to bedrock. Players will be able to run around the town underground that way, and if they want to continue an underground city and open their plots up down there themselves, that will be fun. Last week I crushed it grinding out a million bucks to pay for an ultra rare winged white ghost lion, which is rideable.

Also have a bigger than usual list to execute this week. I want my bedroom back, lol.