pre global meltdown thoughts

click for a neat article about flavoring your coffee

My hand is very ouch. Arms and hands always were the most brutal therapy.

So here's what I've got going.

• Coffee is down to one cup a day for the last week. Slight withdrawal headache, nothing terrible.
• Started slow xanax withdraw per psychiatrist. Even on extremely low dose, my pills are being metered. We both feel the higher gabapentin dose is covering the mood swings ok.
• Nearly completely done with opioid from the surgeries. I have really drug it out, been down to a quarter pill every other day for about a week. (That actually still works.) Knee surgeon was surprised I didn't ask for a script refill, and that wasn't even counting my hand.
• I seem to have lost 6 pounds and I don't know where I put them. Pretty sure half of it was the coffee. I figured it up. My coffee creamer alone was 480 calories a day before I cut my coffee way down.
• Tomorrow is my final knee therapy.

So 6 weeks out from surgeries, hand sucks, actually doing better in some ways but the therapy is wearing it out so much that my grip is tenuous and typing is extra challenging again since starting it. My first day assessing in, my strength score for squeeze pressure was in the teens somewhere, next time in it had doubled, then last time it was 30, so I'm definitely getting that back. It's just once I do something with effort, my hand flops and says ok, taking a break now.

I had a crazy fantastic but weirdly spooky dream last night. Before we fell asleep, I was talking to @bonenado about what it must be like for people having breakthrough memories from the 20 and back work program. We're already getting snippets of disclosure from officials here and there about ETs being real, contact already made, etc, but if we get full disclosure, one of the things we'll be learning is that the 20 and back is definitely real. I mean, it's enough for me that several unconnected people have already come out with this shocking reveal, but it would be nice if it were general knowledge.

So as I was falling asleep I kind of heard a voice that said, Here, let me show you. And then I was someone else. I still felt like me, but I was experiencing someone else, like in so many other dreams I've had all my life. I was a female surgeon, and my job was detailed repairs on top ranking officials, but I never could remember exactly what I had done once it was over. It was like coming to work in the morning, getting ready for the next procedure, doing a really excellent job, cleaning up and debrief, and then once I was off work I couldn't remember what I had done. And I'd go eat supper and relax, sleep, start again the next day. I was able to see a number of days go by like this, and it started bothering me that I couldn't remember what I had been doing each day. I knew what I was trained for, and I knew I had actually done something important, but what?

I feel like I was seeing a more drastic level of mind wipe work, and I could understand the toll it took. I've been through my own memory fails and problems, anxiety and panic attacks, trying to piece timelines together from memories and paper evidence but still not being able to visualize a timeline of events in the order they happened for a period of about ten years. So when I was this other person, I could feel this familiar strain to hang on to a timeline of days, several months of work and no memory each day of what I'd done. Then without warning, a few ragged memories of doing this or that for a brief few seconds would break through, and they made no sense, and I wound up obsessing over what had I actually been doing to the point where I couldn't competently do my work any longer and had to be relieved and fully debriefed of all of it.

There are rumors that quite a large number of people have been taken into these programs and brought back and have no clue, but that when they do have breakout memories or meltdowns, they have to be re-debriefed. Some people have been through the program multiple times, which is quite a lot of experience and memories to have to deal with. Given a worldwide obsession with space in general wanting to know what's going on between NASA 'stalling out', weird stuff in the sky, and science falling flat despite all the supposed new breakthroughs and discoveries, best we can do is grumble and watch space shows on TV. Why are we obsessed with space?

Anyway, I woke up from that feeling like I had been pulled back out. There was no hazy dream state, no thought of 'me', just the first thing I remember thinking was wow, that poor woman...

This happened. It is autumn coconut meringue.

I've had a few other dreams this year that I should have written down. I know I need to go gather them all up now. I've got my dreams scattered here and yon on the webs, and it's time to put them together. They tell a story, like a dream I had when I was very young, where I was shown everything from the camels to how they could open up the sky.

I don't usually look at the download part of my stats, so I missed it a few months ago. I also didn't realize until today that this >>> the last war  <<< is the all-time top post on this blog.

I know a lot of people are being careful on the medias, and that's fine. But I 'came out' as a real person, and my flagship is the Lexx, the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes, stolen by ordinary people escaping from horrific slavery and genocide. I'm all over anyone who will stop the rape of humanity and our planet. This is our last chance, guys. There's the Q plan, there's the anons ready to launch full out cyber war, and there's us. If there really are ETs, if the SSP is real, if the Cabal doing this is real, if the world pedo trafficking is real... #wakeup! I'm not even Catholic and I can barely watch you guys eating up the entertainment like it's all a big sick joke. Well, Lexx fans know what the Cleansing is...

Anyway, someone liked this enough to swipe it.

24 days out

click for source

Headaches *galore*.

Kaspersky is gone. Yay! Trend Micro took it's place. Happy joy! It has a password manager. Sweet! I can't log into anything now because all the sites are refusing to acknowledge it's authority. *sobbing*

Meanwhile, Best Buy tried to double bill me by including Trend into their Geek Squad black tie service plan renewal after I'd already purchased and downloaded Trend booooo, so now that is all fqd up and I'm srsly considering just letting that one fall off renewing. I'm sure they'll email me a billion times.

Want to be an Enderman? Click to find out how.

Remember all that old talk about lists and whatever? The top of every single list nowadays is "facepalm". I'm trying to figure out if I've triumphed into a new level of 'this is life now' or if I'm just still untangling my brain from all that anesthesia and lidocaine and I'll be honest, sparsing vicoprofen through all this gabapentin feels more like I've morphed into an Enderman, so I really don't know how I'm handling #allthethings but apparently I'm handling more better than I have in many moons of years, so what the heck, I'll take facepalm if it means full throttle thrive. I just hope I don't seriously screw something up and do the regret thing.

click for source

I can't get this song out of my head.

getting so much experience right now

click for a Shannara write up

Random thought- I see "antimicrobial" as a sell point on things like plastic covered dish drainers, but I never see that word used on toys designed for water (pool, bathtub) play, especially when water can sit inside a toy and mold. Just a thought. Really grosses me out to see kids pretend toys are things to get a drink out of.

My. Hand. HURTS. That is all.

That is not all. I keep remembering all these scenes in TV shows where a character slices the palm of their hand for some reason, to prove they they are human, to make a pact, whatever. Now that I know what a cut that deep feels like and how long it takes to heal and how easily it gets infected, I'm imagining characters down the road with withered hands from nerve damage, missing hands because gangrene, and fumbly klutzy hands for weeks while they heal kind of thing. You don't just slice a hand and then go wield a sword. Or put a saddle on a horse. I can still barely lift my coffee cup.

Doi, here's a whole discussion about it.
Movie and TV characters always slice their palm open when they have to give blood

And another.
The Dramatic Palm-Slice: A Fantasy Trope I've Never Understood

Anyway, I can tell you everything that can go excruciatingly wrong with that palm slice now.

And I'll tell you exactly what I was thinking having a carpal release and knee arthroscopy on the same day, get it all done on only one plop of anesthesia, right. WRONG. Quick surgeries even back to back require extended medications in two different areas and I have had a horrible time coming off all that. It took a few days just for the anesthesia and local numbing agents to wear off, and I got so mean. I was eating people over nothing. The pain med barely covered both areas once that set up regular residence in my body, and then I got so sick and nauseated I had to get off it for a couple days, and then the pain was so brutal I had to get back on it, and I've been clocking out smaller doses so I can balance between the pain med and the actual pain without feeling sick.

I am 22 days out from surgery. I am still in this much pain.

They were not kidding when they said it would take awhile on both wrist and knee. I know I've had some tough issues in my life, but all this getting complicated, even with really fast and smooth healing, has been almost nightmarish to get through. I have a really high pain tolerance, and yowza.

I think the biggest challenge is needing to move around. The rest of my body is so tired of sitting with my leg elevated, my hand is overworked because I'm so bored, my neck is getting spiky pain and yelling at me to get up and go do stuff, and every time I do stuff I swell my knee up again, and this is just a no win situation. There is no comfort, no real rest without scrambling my brain up on meds that screw my baditude, and I cannot wait for this part to be over. Everything I'm reading says 4 to 6 weeks on both knee and wrist for some kind of 'normal' to come back.

I could go into more detail but the enraged dragon in me wants to set my laptop on fire right now, so I'd better just go.

Where's my distraction?!!!!!

I didn't plan this out as well as I thought

Started this yesterday morning.

I think I have finally found my balance. I need half a vicoprofen every 6 hours to control the pain without triggering the mood swings.

People who wonder why depression or bipolar or whatever is so hard, that's basically it right there. Anything that changes brain chemicals up and down are like rough ocean waves hitting a beach during a little bit of wind coming up, affecting everything in our lives, especially the people around us. It's difficult to think logically like that, and very difficult not to feel like the universe is against us and other people are to blame for relationships going off kilter. Once whatever med in the mix can smooth out, the ocean is smooth again.

Anyway, my mood has improved, thank goodness, and now I can get on with focusing on getting some stuff done. It's been a long summer, hardest part is hopefully behind me now, and it's time to think about getting back to work.

In the meantime I'm enjoying the #7dayphotochallenge on twitter (also posting it to facebook) and I'm thinking why stop at 7, you know? I might just continue it the rest of the year.

12 hours later.

Power point-

• I am this close to metaphorically stabbing an ice pick through someone's eye for no other reason than an eyesicle kabob sounds like a fun new toy.
• Aging ADHD in a spouse isn't going to be easy.
• I'm all for neurodiversity, but I feel a crazy laugh coming on every time I visualize blasting my people in the face with a LOOKER gun to calm the house down a bit. {L.O.O.K.E.R. (Light Ocular-Oriented Kinetic Emotive Responses) gun, a light pulse device that gives the illusion of invisibility by instantly mesmerizing its victims into losing all sense of time}

By the way, that vico 'balance' wasn't good for driving today, even though I let a dose wear off before I drove in for physical therapy. I actually fell asleep for a couple moments at a stop light on the way home. I've never done that before in my life. o_o

Another 12 hours later.

First thing I woke up to was a reply to a comment I made about allergies on a video about humans being alien migrants, because so many of us have allergies, that kind of explains it, right? (Tell me you guys understand I'm not an idiot and I'm making pleasant convo while I keep a foot on either side of that fence.) The reply today- "allergies are a symptom of a dysfunctional immune system proper diet eliminates this issue as well as supplementing with algae & vit C"

*facepalm*

I mean, you get that is tongue in cheek commentary, right? I mean, I hope people reading this right now actually understand that I don't take what I say that seriously. I'm having a really hard time this morning with other brains being nothing more than regurgitating tape recorders following prompts to spout information whenever they bump into a trigger word. Like, seriously, did you not get that it's not about the allergies... It begs the whole question of did you not notice that the insinuation was that we wouldn't be having these immune reactions in the first place if we hadn't gotten off on this planet???

Moving on. Game server. I guarantee this person is going to cry about losing that pet when something happens to it, and they won't have any proof they even owned it.

So basically 'screen him rn' means not following the guideline. Can't tell you how many things I deal with daily that could be solved very easily and quickly by players reading a few help items widely available in the game on information walls and in player handbooks.

If you are thinking she hasn't had that pain pill yet, *bing* you win a prize!

I was not this crabby after the gallbladder removal. I feel like my brain changed this last go round.

And we're getting thunder again. I give up. I'm going to lay here with my leg up on the wall and stare at the ceiling.

it's all a lie

Worst day ever. I hate everyone, I'm dropping everything I touch, everything sucks. At least I got a shower without incident, but it took full concentrated focus.

~~~~~~~~

Later.

Even tiny doses of opioids make me mean when they wear off. I did 3 half pills spread out yesterday, just enough to get thru the hard parts, and today I was everything evil until I finally took another half.

Now my world is soft and warm and everything looks like a magazine life, and I know now it was the drug and not me. I love again. I'm at peace again.

I clearly cannot do this to my family. Next dose will have to be a quarter. I've got to dose down as quickly as I possibly can and still keep just enough warm fuzzy to get thru the hardest parts.

One of the red flags is how wasted I feel on so little. I used to live on handfuls of pills around the clock for years before research finally caught up with experience and agreed that just doesn't work.

The worst part of any pain syndrome is the addiction/withdrawal cycles. The hardest part of living spoonie is the crippling depression and self loathing that comes with watching myself be mean to people I love.

More incentive to get healthier.

And along the way I figured out how to solve my FB problem. You know how you can custom share? They suggest making custom share groups like for family, friends, close friends, etc. I tried making common interest groups for awhile. Nothing really works without some level of frustration. I decided today that's the wrong approach. If some of my people are topic, issue, or content sensitive, I can make custom share lists based on things like fun, thinky, mood, nerdy, etc. I think taking an extra step or two will make me easier to take for some. I mean, I handle people that way in real life, right?

Ouch.

the brilliance of the construct- "The biggest obstacle to establishing the one world government is the rapid political awakening of the masses."

"You DARE bribe Santa?! I'm gonna shove coal so far up your stocking, you'll be coughing up diamonds!"
―Robot Santa Claus
pic clicks to Futurama's Robot Santa wiki

4 months till Christmas.

My hand hurts. My knee is fine. My hand is all like You know those TV shows where people slice the palm of their hand with a big knife to prove something, well that's all big lie now that I know exactly what that crap feels like. My knee is humming and looking at its watch and asking when we can go jogging.

So far the only thing I can do with my right hand is type. I cannot hold my cup of coffee, turn a doorknob, pull the fridge or oven open, work a remote, or the crucial wipe my own butt with my dominant hand. Lefty will hold a coffee cup and turn a doorknob and open the fridge, even work a remote, but it says ohHELLno to the crucial.

I'm feeling very cranky. Opioid kisses only make it worse. I think I'm going to hide out in my room today and listen to David talk. I just linked his official channel, but I'm actually catching the bootleg uploads on the fly. I'm still fussed that no one has made a bad lip reading or fan video homage to this guy, because even though I'm a solid fan, that would just be so cute.

The whole Matrix movement isn't new. The en masse brain training has been going on for decades. Christmas is the perfect picture of how controlled we all are with consumerism and entertainment. Apathy and willful ignorance, guys. What is the agenda? What are we waking up from? "When there is no reaction, they take that as a mandate to pursue their particular agenda."

curious about the sales pitches

Stuff.

Bout fried my phone on this next one hiding the glow under the covers and falling asleep. The upload is viral. I wrote a tweet and a FB status about it earlier, and I pinned it. Is it coincidence it came out the day after the anniversary being talked about in the above video?

My hand hurts like hell, but my typing is already getting better. Also, my throat really hurts to swallow and I finally looked in there and found a small area that looks weird, wondering if I got a small sore or scratch when I swallowed the little airway hose under anesthesia.

Why Does My Throat Hurt After Surgery?

So I got back up out of bed after sleeping an hour and a half and I'm eating Italian nachos so I can get vicoprofen down. For my hand, not my throat. The hand thing is an ongoing problem from the last Pinky blog, if you're new.

Proof that FB is uber intrustive. The other day I bounced on a post from a publisher and next thing you know they are calling my cell phone. I don't put my cell phone out for view, even for friends, and I didn't friend that publisher page. I checked my settings, and sure enough, my phone number was viewable by friends, so I had to reset that to only me. Check your privacy settings, guys. They had another big update rollout, so just check everything. Also, really creepy that a nonfriend was able to hack that and then leave a recording on my phone. Once is bad enough, but still another publisher calling and leaving a message out of the blue within that time frame, and both of these repeat calling really ticked me off. Real publishers don't solicit by phone. Don't worry, I didn't pick up.

So the blocking begins. Again. I wanted to report for harrassment, but FB doesn't allow me to describe what happened, so how would they even know it's going on outside of FB?

Bunny got a cast change on the same day in the same building at the same time as my carpal tunnel surgery. I thought that was cool. 😎

My knee still doesn't hurt. I had to rewrap the compression bandage, definitely swollen and apparently a bit bloody under all that cotton wrap, but I keep it up a lot and use a cane 90% of the time so I'm doing ok. I have felt it squish in there a couple of times, kinda slide a couple more, and click a few times, no pain at all with any of it, even though the pictures the surgeon gave me look pretty impressive.

The best part is the vicoprofen. I hadn't had hydrocodone in any form since 2014 until my gall bladder removal last fall, and that was overwhelming because I'm like a permanent protracted withdrawal person, clenched muscles and mild hallucinations when I have to take it nowadays because I was on low dose vicodin for nearly 30 years. Today has been lovely, though. I asked for a lower dose since I tolerate pain so well, and I'm feeling wrapped in beautiful fuzzy blanket kind of love. Going to suck stopping it again, so I'm already alternating breaking pills in half. So far I'm needing every 4 hours on the dot for the hand pain, but dang it, I keep forgetting and automatically doing stuff. Every little grasp and tug is horrible and barely functioning, or like using that hand for leverage getting into bed earlier, yowza that sucked.

I spent pre surgery eating plenty of vegetables, alternating salads with cabbage soup, pan roasted brussels sprouts, microwaved sweet potato, crockpot corn on the cob, and I'm focusing on more proteins and yogurt while I'm healing. They gave me precautionary ancef (cephalasporin antibiotic) in my IV during sugery. Also got decadron (corticosteroid, precautionary for inflammation, allergic reactions, and edema), fentanyl (narcotic), lactated ringers (aggressive fluid replacement during fluid and blood loss), lidocaine (numbing agent), midazolam (benzo that induces drowsiness and acts like a roofie so you don't remember), zophran (for nausea, I'm a documented puker during and after surgeries), phenylephrine (antihistamine, also raises blood pressure), and propofol (" a short-acting medication that results in a decreased level of consciousness and lack of memory for events").

And that was on top of a serious lack of coffee and calories, so the first 48 hours are my body cleaning all that out on top of serious healing from intrusion. I'm cautiously already following slow withdrawal guidelines on the vicoprofen. Part of the jolt for a lot of people recovering from surgery is not understanding the meds going on.

From Legend of the Seeker:

Sorry no click to merch, I think it was a short-lived flash sale.
The back has the wizards rules.

Wo, stood up to do something and I'm so wasted I barely made it across the room. Funny how sensitive I am now to small dose anything after decades of handfuls of meds that I spent over 2 years cleaning off of. I felt like I had a little tiny bug crawling in my shirt nipping me, usually a protracted benzo symptom for me, but turned out to be petechaie. Every time I have something done I get new ones. I have a petechia for every spinal tap I've had, stuff like that. Some of them never go away.

I had some super cool dreams this afternoon dozing off and on. Going to try some stuff on Mo Creatures (minecraft server) when I can log back on. I'm generally not a very creative builder, even though I have huge claims with builds on them. The stuff in my dreams was like TIME TO REMODEL. I'm very excited but really can't do that till I start the therapies.

I've gotta get back to bed while the pain level is back down. See ya.

not to 1055

click for more dog memes

One of those medical assessment posts for my glitchy memory.

Established with cardiology yesterday. I had a cardiologist a couple years before and after my radio ablation for SVT back in 2000, but insurance changes flipped me to another network, and I'm just now establishing again after the May hospitalization for uncontrollable blood pressure breakout. I am fabulous right now, so I don't have to go back until next year, but at least now I have direct call waiting and email to specialist if I need one. I think my primary is relieved.

Ramping slowly back up to 300mg 3x a day on the gabapentin per neurologist, again. This is the third time I'm trying. First time (winter 2017) went up too fast and turned into lethargic zombie. Second time (May 2018) coincided with amlodipine and got significant leg swelling, plus the amlodipine wrecked my diabetes. This time it's slow and the only med being changed. So far I'm sleeping better and getting up easier, no weight gain or fluid retention that I can tell. Being commanded to watch blood pressure after stopping amlodipine, have been able to solidly correlate pain level to blood pressure since I also ramped down the gabapentin and now ramping back up. It's one thing to say pain causes high blood pressure, it's another to actually see it on paper. Clearly I need to stay on pain management, now that I'm below the 140/90 target again. I'm still on toprol, of course, but my pain levels easily override control when I try to tough things out and power through, like I was brought up to do through my childhood. Looking back, I can see that powering through probably set me back through much of my adult life, as I gritted my teeth and held on through college and jobs and trying to be a good parent for kids in school. The band president year was pretty rough. I loved it, though, and I don't regret it. Stuff like that. But yeah, I fought hard to stay as normal as possible in between month or year long stretches of complete disability and severe immobility.

Also, the stenosis in my neck is bad enough now that even slightly turning my head either direction sends shooting pains down shoulders (so fun in traffic!), and if there is really less wiggle room in there, maybe it's time to move past chiropractor. It was a lifesaver over the last decade as I was going through core strength in physical therapy, but all that is stabilized now and I rarely need adjustments any more. I knew this would be part of Plan C, moving on to the meds.

Can Neck Manipulation Relieve Spinal Stenosis?

I'll still need ASTYM maintenance or I'll freeze up solid, but you can't ASTYM a nerve trunk, lol. The thought made me giggle. There's a special kind of humor in pain lifestyle.

There is also irony, like slamming through a week long tweetfest one week before carpal tunnel surgery. 😂 I have really been enjoying #SharknadoWeek on Syfy, but barely able to hang onto anything because of it, like flipping a spoonful of yogurt on my good blouse, casually tossing my phone into a wet sink, I won't even bring up keys. Too late. But yeah, it's crucial to always close the toilet around a person like me in the house. Anything could go anywhere at any time if my hands even pretend to touch something. You'd laugh if you could see how klutzy I am trying to moderate on a game server. Just trying to type a short command under pressure is hilarious when the player has one of those long names spelled weird with caps and dashes and extra x's sprinkled around.

Let's see, what else. Allergies are so bad right now that I've tripled my zyrtec and benadryl, ears feel like I'm underwater or flying 20K feet, throat is on fire and sore to swallow. I'm mostly fine inside my house. We have 3 hepas now and I'm so stringent on laundry coming in that most of it stops at the door, but even just driving into town in a climate controlled car with air filters has me swimming in snot. I was chunking more antihistamines in traffic yesterday only 15 minutes from my house. Between all the mowing and the rains and wind now in a high humidity region, I am breathing particulate soup everywhere I go.

Is this boring? I feel boring. No one ever talks about the conspiracy scenes in Sherlock. Oh, yeah, the fan theories, but you know, like the background scenes and stuff... Here, lemme distract you from that before you actually think or something.

The Cases Are Fake: A Theory That Totally Changes Sherlock

Except that all falls apart in season four, when we find out it wasn't Mycroft...

Ok, I'll give you a nibble. Like the clock scene when Moriarty is giving the raspberry in the air sending a text off to Mycroft. The time is 10:55. Check this out, from What are police codes? What is the meaning of the police code 1055?

10–55 means “dead person” or “coroners case.” This would be the ten code used on a police radio when an officer arrives on the scene and finds something dead. Although the code is meant to describe dead people it is often used to describe other dead things like a dead car battery, a dead radio, or dead animal.

Yeah, I know that's a stretch because that's a U.S. code, but still fun to think about. I could make a whole list, though. I still say the filming was brilliant, whether it was purposeful or not.

And because I free associate right off the page, I wound up here

The Kiss of Judice: The Constitution Betrayed - A Coroner's Inquest and Report, Vol.1

Great, now I need another video so I can escape.