Srsly, I try not to die a little inside every time I miss TWD and Flash live tweets now.
Ok, so I wasn't really done with my thought organizing in the last post, due to time constraints, but let's jump back into that, shall we?
I have finally titled a piece I'm working on about *entire brain stifles fingers and mouth*
Still 6 pounds down from August. I'm hungry. Oh, yeah, I haven't had nachos in a week. I know everyone in the Force just felt my starvation pain. Thank you. I felt you feel that.
Cut my coffee in half again this week. Officially down to exactly one measured cup. My big mugs look half empty now. The withdrawal headache is easing up a bit.
The size 7-8 slippers I finally caved to picking up from Walmart this week feel like size 6. The disappointment is real. The saddest part is me having the smallest feet, so I can't gift them to anyone.
Now that I've managed to establish a somewhat firm fuzzy boundary around my bedroom (extremely fuzzy), my entire brain of cells is chanting TAKEBACKTHEHOUSE TAKEBACKTHEHOUSE TAKEBACKTHEHOUSE and I'm doing my best to plug my ears and go lalalalala.
I met a woman in therapy today who has nearly 20 years on me. She was there after reconstruction on thumb because arthritis ate up a bone in her wrist. Even with the usual 'growing old' rhetoric, which I heartily agree with, the context was still so lopsided that I was glad when she had to leave so our convo could be over. I'm still having difficulty empathizing with people way older than me who have less difficulty than I do and think something is so hard when clearly they've been enjoying more capability far longer than I ever dreamed, although yes, a thumb reconstruction sounds horrid. (She was literally able to do way more than I was with the exercise putty, and I'm 7 weeks out from carpal tunnel release, so clearly something is still wrong with my hand.) It's not so much feeling self pity as ok, I already dealt with that, is there anything more interesting to talk about kind of thing. I mean, so many other drops and mentions about a real life, I wouldn't have minded hearing about what she assumed was boring, right. When I'm with a therapist, I generally try to talk about something we both find interesting since they must hear pain junk every single day and they're probably sick of it, I know I am, and I'm not there to find new friends to whine about the cold snap with. She suddenly blurted all the interesting stuff as she was walking out and I felt so gypped. Really? You just leave me dangling full of questions now...
I looked up scleroderma, since my therapist thinks I have it. I have follow up with primary the day before my birthday. I'll likely get a flu shot and now possibly donate blood to see how much worse my life might have been all this time behind my back. Meh. It could certainly explain a few things, but I'm already beyond my personal life expectancy, so it's not really bothering me, aside from it also explaining a lot of how my mom went down. One of my sisters has sjogrens, the other has I think 3 kinds of arthritis all over her body, and other things abound as well, so I'm just not terribly surprised. What did you get for your birthday? Scleroderma. Oh, sounds nice. I am really appreciating the wicked sense of humor a friend of mine on my street had before she moved away, and I'm missing it lately. It didn't matter how badly something sucked, she lived her life the way she wanted and always presented as having it all together, and that humor was a sort of mockery I didn't understand back then. Totally getting it now.
I'm the sort that pulls back into a corner making sure other people are doing ok first. That's a tough challenge, especially since I'm not at all mousy about how I feel. I shut up because I love them. Well, poor @bonenado hears it, and I do regret that more often than not, but I have so many memories of what I thought of people around me as a kid, and I know how ugly grown ups can be even when they think they are being kind. I'd like to think I'm living up to this life challenge, being a natural narcissist and definitely being territorial in a matriarchal way, meaning that my challenge is about learning to be sweet. It's hard. I wasn't born sweet.
But yeah, I'm all swimming around in a head full of where are we now kind of month because here comes my birthday, and *bam*, Google pulls the G+ rug out from under me, and inside a very dark room I don't generally share even with my psychologist, the swears I can hear inside are making even me cringe.
Our world revolves around the whims of the uber wealthy, you know that right. I should have gotten slippers from my local sheepskin guy. I should have stayed my course instead of following people on wayward ventures over the many years, and there have been several. I should have branded by now. I should be merchandising already. *quietly rests head on table because banging my head on a wall would only make it worse...*
I've rerun into the concept lately that 'God', or a sort of universal consciousness or the Source or whatever, burst apart into a super multiplicity of 'selves' in order to experience all possible experiences for whatever reason. Uri Geller proposed that God was lonely. David Wilcock reiterated this. A long time ago I decided Uri was missing something and went to see for myself, which you can read about in a post I wrote called process and being. What I found was very surprising.
So I'm watching the world stage blowing up between the Cabal and the #QCrisis (reinventing the hashtag since no one else has) and thinking about all the new things I've absorbed over the last few months about surviving ascension as we complete another orbit around our galaxy, and how exquisitely timed this is with the ultimate tragedian- Earth.
And I've been asking God lately- Why did you do it? Why did you fall into this self harming bingefest where all the selves you created for 'experience' deteriorated into hate induced fear trama and the blind ravaging of our own souls? Why are we caught up in this scenario? Are we all suffering because the original 'I' needed an experience? And how in the world did it come to this stooping so low before other selves became strong enough to mount a rescue?
Every day I have wondered about this. If rumors are true, our planet is a novelty, aged and yet still very behind developmentally, compared to other much more evolved life bearing planets in much less time. Four billion years and we are still in the cosmological 'cave man' era. And if other rumors are true, this was manufactured purposefully by a life form so bereft of soul that it creates new DNA/tech combos just to shred the soul as much as possible for food.
If all of us have come from one Source, methinks Source is in a pickle.
And tonight I got an answer. Tonight, on the eve, on the cusp of a planetwide red revenge, as I was finally letting go and drifting into sleep, I was Looked At.
I have been noticing eyes look at me all my life, which I've talked about before in a post I wrote called Synchronicity, Suicide, and The Eyes. I won't get into that now. I'll put it into the book. These eyes were different. I usually just see eyes. I usually immediately ask God to make them go away and stop looking at me, which actually seems to work, and I switch my mind to other things. Some of the eyes I see are very disturbing, some are beautiful, but I don't fall for that. I know better than to assume anything or to trust looking back into them. I know eyes can lie.
The eyes tonight were in a boy of about nine or ten, I guess. I knew right away it wasn't a real child, and that this was a communication scene, because it was almost monochromatic and a bit flat, but it was living, a boy looking at me. It was the kind of look that said something. I see that look sometime here and there in other real faces, like they know something, they might even want to tell something, and they keep their mouths shut, and just before they look away I can briefly see that they wish they could talk about it. But for whatever reason, that moment is over very quickly. Tonight that was a frozen moment, caught on a canvas in my mind, shown to me.
I nearly pushed it back out of my mind, like I automatically do, but the scene around the eyes made me hesitate. Eyes that look at me in my mind outside of dreams are only eyes, they don't bring in baggage. Whoever was looking at me was able to create a medium. It might not matter exactly how that presented except that it made me hesitate long enough to ask, What do you want? If you are the one I've been asking why you did this, what is it you want?
Forgiveness.
That was a surprise. Of course it made sense, I had been hotseating the Source of all of us all week, asking hard questions, maybe even impossible questions. I've blogged in years past, probably much of it private (but you'll see it in the book) about asking God point blank when I was still pretty young, certainly preteen and even still in elementary school, what the point was of throwing us down here and then saying we wouldn't be forgiven for not knowing we did something wrong. I realized later that was a concoction of my parents, and bigger picture much later revealed an entire human history wrapped tightly around using this horror as a control mechanism in societies. I went on to achieve a master of science in sociology because, basically, I was mad at God.
So yeah, I demand to know. I constantly harangue the guy. I can't just assume anything, or fill in the blanks with any old answer, no, I have to spend my whole life digging through whole libraries of philosophies, weird sciences, alt consciousness, anything and everything experienceable from every possible angle in human existence.
I guess me and God are same paging it in this life experience as a tiny little self in a very huge multiplex of universes, I dunno. I just know I very thoroughly question everything. And if there is ever to be an end to suffering as selves, it will be through the resolution of the problem, whatever that was in the first place. I'm not sure whether an entity of itself can experience what we know loneliness to be on this miserable earth, to the point of creating a mass of selves to find out why and what is to be done about it. And if that is what happened, could it possibly have been a mistake? Is it sacrilege to accuse God of creating a situation that saw the rise of Hitler and even the millennia of human enslavement created by an exceedingly selfish life form? Because if we get full disclosure, like a few insiders are hoping happens with all this Q stuff, we may be finding out some pretty rough shit about who we really are and why our lives suck so bad.
Drama. Humans are very good at storytelling, drama, and inflicting trauma. But if this all started with a Source launching an explosion of itself out of loneliness, omg, how is there any hope at all???
Unless hope is what it was looking for in the first place... That sounds odd, speculating that a One could hope when that One could control all. But that One unleashed a universe of Us, didn't it? That alone created wild cards galore. What point is there in creating all of Us only to control all of Us? Because that's just a very elaborate game of dolls. No, this whole thing was a risk. And it needs a resolution. In the end, according to the wise in all kinds of religions and spiritual quests, we go back to the One, our Source. God. Some say we go back through judgement, some insist not all of us will make it back, some believe eventually we all will, and the entire collective experience will have been for... what? Because if we all go back into the One, that's a whole lot of experience back to square one, if the reason for all this in the first place was loneliness.
So that just looks like a big mistake to me, if it's true.
And that One looking at me after a solid week of asking what it wants and it saying it wants forgiveness makes sense.
I don't know if you all can follow me into this weird dark to light thing. If we are all the same Person from infinite angles and positions, that means We inflict Ourselves. If karma is just, we become the person we unjustly inflicted somewhere down the road. Hitler becomes every person who died because of him, in essence. All those people then must choose between hate and forgiveness.
I see a red tide rising. On the one hand, they do not forgive, they do not forget, and that seems a very good thing in light of our dire plight all over the globe. We want someone to save the children, don't we? I know *I* do. But WE are the ones who must all understand and help if we can. It does no good to shut our eyes and not be part of the rescue, to turn our heads away and not notice not only the tattered souls around us, but to add that on to our karma and become the tattered soul in one of our next lives. Sooner or later, we open our eyes.
Children are innocent, it is true. It would be easy to get caught up in past lives and karma and say the suffering are receiving their due penance from a past life, and #walkaway. How shameful is that, to see wrong and not do something to change the wrong in the world? Even more, how dumb does it seem in hindsight to say a One became Us to learn these things? To experience first hand what life is, even at the peak of its heinous worst? To become both oppressor and oppressed. Inflictor and inflicted. User and used. How could a One stoop so low to become so cruel for pleasure, for greed and gluttony of luxury, for a sad mimicry of the 'divine'?
I once asked God, several years ago, how we can be expected to be better than a god, to forgive others when God himself would send them to hell. The answer I got back was swift and firm- People saying that doesn't mean it's true. The swiftness almost caused me to lose my breath. And the challenge right back was for me to ask PEOPLE why they do this. Look at what makes people the way they are. Things are not always evident on the surface, and as the anons are kindly obsessing through stacks of historical documents (thank you, Galaxy Quest, for the answer to the riddle of whether it's all real), we are seeing the biggest picture ever assembling out of many bits and bytes of seemingly *cough* lost information.
Back to the eyes I saw tonight.
What do you want?
Forgiveness.
The problem with rooting out evil on our planet is that we're so layered over so many centuries with 'fake news' and propaganda politics backed and justified through one religion or another that we don't know how to behave even when it's written in black and white right in front of us.
Golden Rule - Wikipedia "The Golden Rule is the principle of treating others as one would wish to be treated. It is a maxim that is found in many religions and cultures. The Golden Rule can be considered a law of reciprocity in some religions, although other religions treat it differently."
Just because someone is in the wrong, we don't spit on them. That is very poor behavior, especially for those who preach in any form, and that includes nearly all of us.
Very many people are entrenched in hating even more than ever all over the earth as this Q stuff plays out and the medias fight back. It's just conspiracy, go back to sleep while we advertise how much Satan loves it when you donate blood to the Red Cross. That's a real ad, and if you know all the clues, the irony in people thinking it's cute is the height of really bad taste, whether you believe Satan is a real being or not.
Answers come in strange ways sometimes, and questions are usually asked with an elaborate set of blinders on. What does God want in all this mess? What does the cosmic consciousness, the Source, or whatever feels like listens to us want out of all this?
It wants us to forgive. The crisis might not be just the nasty baddies horribly mistreating and even eating humanity's own babies, as per the mass of testimonials exploding out this year like fireworks, but the retributional mass of hatred in the wake of the rising red tide, although I agree this needs to happen before there is no coming back. This really is our last chance.
Hatred is what started this. The only way to cure hatred is through forgiveness. We cannot advance back to the Source as long as we hold on to our hate. Source loves us. Call it what you will, you know deep down you want to be loved. You know love is life changing, it heals the soul. If we want for Us to heal, we must be the ones who make it possible to keep changing the world for the better, in this life, in the next, and the next.
Where we go one we go all. Well, we're about to go to hell. We're doing it wrong. I don't mean the hearings or the reveals. I mean the sheer hatred on social medias. It's one thing to troll and pound the feeds with memes, it's another to froth with vitriol and spew filth. It's unbecoming. It doesn't help the cause.
The best way you can help aside from cheering the Q team on is realize we are all human, we were all babies and children, and the pour souls who were raised in the dark madness are very, very broken. This is far bigger than Hitler, with massive consequences and damage, perhaps for decades or even centuries to come. This will impact all our futures, and if we choose to go forward through this in hatred, we will negatively impact the overall outcome. Just because we purge it out doesn't mean sparkly rainbows for everybody afterward. There will be years of trauma people will still have to live with all over the world. We need to love to heal. It's hard to hate and love at the same time.
I have never once said, ever, that I hate the guy who murdered my best friend. Something just feels off about that. It's awful yes, and the crime was quite shocking. But what the hell did he go through to arrive at that point, you know? What did someone do to him as a child? I'm not saying he wouldn't do it again after sitting in prison for decades, but as much as I still hurt from the event demoralizing me and flipping my life upside down for years into a life of mistake after mistake, I can't bring myself to hate him. For all I know he hates himself. Who knows. Whatever I think, it might not change that in his next life he'll be the one murdered like that so he'll know how it feels. If that is really how karma works, and I beg to differ in several places, then what we dish out comes back to bite, and if we don't wise up and learn that, we get caught in a loop of making the same mistake over and over, which is inflicting ourselves on others.
You can totally be the good guy and still inflict others. The really good guys do their jobs without inflicting. You don't need to be an ass in the hero business, like I said, it's unbecoming. It brings out judgmentalism in other people, and that creates more conflict, and ultimately, more hate. Something to think about.
Now go be good patriots and save the children. Help the anons share, show your Q support, cheer on the powers that be going up against a world of elites knowing that their lives are literally on the line every minute of every single day doing it and only a tenth of one percent of people in the world actually even get that, so there's very little reward for that level of heroism in a twisted world like ours. Funny, we love the fiction heroes...
It's ok if you don't believe in souls. Let's heal each other anyway while we're saving the children.
When this is all done, if the good guys win, the names in this video will be more chilling than Hitler's. That old guy on the right wants us all to die. We need to be culled. I heard him say that in a different video. He happens to be one of the richest men on the entire planet and doesn't give a dime to helping any of us actually live better, easier lives. He likes that we are bound in debt slavery that supports a banking system more powerful than any nation. Go git 'im, Q.
I'm trying not to eat ice cream or chocolate chips. My house is a little noisier than usual so I'm feeling compelled to fake my way through an old desire to medicate my brain into a warm fuzzy place to hang out while the noise floats over. It's not bad noise at all, even maybe cute because another kiddo hanging out, but I just don't do noise very well.
I saw that meme up there and cracked up. My typos have been super outrageous since the carpal release, and trying to type commands in a hurry on the game server have put my little game life in danger so many times. I have never lost so many weapons and tools as I have this last 4 weeks. I've lost at least 3 powered up infinity bows, several silk tools, my souped up diamond tools and sword twice over, a couple of really sweet god level silver swords, and entire inventories of whatever I had on me. Every bit of it was after-surgery typo errors. Nothing will train you to travel light like having to remake all your stuff every other day. Oh, and all that armor, even my backup sets. Anyway, I thought it was pretty funny that I could lord taking my losses like a big kid over the whiny players.
I'm not into whiny. Survival is s urvi v alfor a reason.
Kaspersky is gone. Yay! Trend Micro took it's place. Happy joy! It has a password manager. Sweet! I can't log into anything now because all the sites are refusing to acknowledge it's authority. *sobbing*
Meanwhile, Best Buy tried to double bill me by including Trend into their Geek Squad black tie service plan renewal after I'd already purchased and downloaded Trend booooo, so now that is all fqd up and I'm srsly considering just letting that one fall off renewing. I'm sure they'll email me a billion times.
Want to be an Enderman? Click to find out how.
Remember all that old talk about lists and whatever? The top of every single list nowadays is "facepalm". I'm trying to figure out if I've triumphed into a new level of 'this is life now' or if I'm just still untangling my brain from all that anesthesia and lidocaine and I'll be honest, sparsing vicoprofen through all this gabapentin feels more like I've morphed into an Enderman, so I really don't know how I'm handling #allthethings but apparently I'm handling more better than I have in many moons of years, so what the heck, I'll take facepalm if it means full throttle thrive. I just hope I don't seriously screw something up and do the regret thing.
Random thought- I see "antimicrobial" as a sell point on things like plastic covered dish drainers, but I never see that word used on toys designed for water (pool, bathtub) play, especially when water can sit inside a toy and mold. Just a thought. Really grosses me out to see kids pretend toys are things to get a drink out of.
My. Hand. HURTS. That is all.
That is not all. I keep remembering all these scenes in TV shows where a character slices the palm of their hand for some reason, to prove they they are human, to make a pact, whatever. Now that I know what a cut that deep feels like and how long it takes to heal and how easily it gets infected, I'm imagining characters down the road with withered hands from nerve damage, missing hands because gangrene, and fumbly klutzy hands for weeks while they heal kind of thing. You don't just slice a hand and then go wield a sword. Or put a saddle on a horse. I can still barely lift my coffee cup.
Anyway, I can tell you everything that can go excruciatingly wrong with that palm slice now.
And I'll tell you exactly what I was thinking having a carpal release and knee arthroscopy on the same day, get it all done on only one plop of anesthesia, right. WRONG. Quick surgeries even back to back require extended medications in two different areas and I have had a horrible time coming off all that. It took a few days just for the anesthesia and local numbing agents to wear off, and I got so mean. I was eating people over nothing. The pain med barely covered both areas once that set up regular residence in my body, and then I got so sick and nauseated I had to get off it for a couple days, and then the pain was so brutal I had to get back on it, and I've been clocking out smaller doses so I can balance between the pain med and the actual pain without feeling sick.
I am 22 days out from surgery. I am still in this much pain.
They were not kidding when they said it would take awhile on both wrist and knee. I know I've had some tough issues in my life, but all this getting complicated, even with really fast and smooth healing, has been almost nightmarish to get through. I have a really high pain tolerance, and yowza.
I think the biggest challenge is needing to move around. The rest of my body is so tired of sitting with my leg elevated, my hand is overworked because I'm so bored, my neck is getting spiky pain and yelling at me to get up and go do stuff, and every time I do stuff I swell my knee up again, and this is just a no win situation. There is no comfort, no real rest without scrambling my brain up on meds that screw my baditude, and I cannot wait for this part to be over. Everything I'm reading says 4 to 6 weeks on both knee and wrist for some kind of 'normal' to come back.
I could go into more detail but the enraged dragon in me wants to set my laptop on fire right now, so I'd better just go.
Getting back to meandering. That is the one consistency in my life. No matter what else is going on, I can meander.
Random memory from last week. I went in the medical supply shop to buy some little mask filters that medicare doesn't pay for, and two other older people were being helped. (It's weird saying that since I really can't tell any more if another woman might be my age or even younger.) One guy was being told he was due for all the things, like tubing, cushions, filters, water chamber, which he didn't understand because older people in the Ozarks are dense (it's true), and an unrelated woman on a different ticket chimed in about how she was still using the same tubing and water chamber from two years ago and never had a problem, and the poor assistant was just standing there in jaw drop.
A) You people thinking Medicare is sucking up your tax money, chill, half the world is refusing to even take advantage of completely 'free' stuff.
B) I felt physically ill at the thought of 2 year old tubing because it can grow mold in it, and I can imagine the assistant was dumbfounded how to explain respiratory hygiene to two stubborn older people who couldn't imagine anything microbial being a problem.
I am still almost freakishly obsessed with CPAP hygiene nearly 2 years in, so since these people are obviously getting along ok, maybe I can relax a little about that. I always make sure my tube is blown dry before I disconnect, though.
click for cpap memes on pinterest
In other randomness, since September has now been declared National Preparedness Month, I boiled some eggs, got brats out to cook up and refreeze, and got butter out to soften for oatmeal cookies to go back into the freezer. If power goes out anytime soon, I'll have food handy besides tuna and chips.
So I'm 19 days out from surgery, and last night was the worst for pain. It's kind of been building back up, and I haven't been sleeping that well, but last night was pure suck, and I got up 3 different times for more pain med. This morning was better, thank goodness. I know there is a lot of stuff going on in my knee, like it can take up to 6 weeks to get the joint fluid properly built back up, and random swelling can cause pain here and there, but the ache was so strong in the entire leg that even my foot was aching. Could have been the cold front settling in, who knows.
When I jumped this blog over, I started a new tagging system. I don't like it. I should have just tagged whatever I wanted because now I can see it makes no sense. I might go through and retag. Trying to keep it too generalized bogs down the search.
click to buy art prints
More random. If you are kind of interested in what in the world is behind closed doors in 'child breaking', the fastest way to learn is by looking into the mind of the broken. I really like Saccstry. Once you see the emotional survival behind the symbolism, you can never unsee the possibilities of savagery upon the tiny human mind. Minds were made to be broken, remolded, controlled, according to some, and I've read that the best age to start is around 4, although that is up for debate. Child trafficking is the saddest weirdest art prompt you'll ever find on the webs, and if that doesn't scar your soul and get you off the 'faith in humanity restored' rescuing kittens memes, nothing will.
Click this for some actually cool memes
Ug, I just hit publish instead of save. I'm not done yet.
Anyway, that's basically how my life is going at the moment, and all my big cool ideas keep getting sideswiped by pain and medication and dragging my butt into therapy over and over. I'm very tired.
Trying to get back on track with the basics, and boy howdy, just spent 30 minutes deleting at least a hundred emails from the last two weeks just from (power point)
2 publishers- actual did you get my email emails when I didn't respond immediately the first 3 or 4 times
go fund me- over 20 yousetupthisthingforyourfriend reminders
solar weather- apparently the sun nearly exploded or something and I missed so much stuff
microsoft- points deals supplies, did we mention sales?, ohbytheway your acct is coming due in two months and here's more points
tee shirt vendors- you bought this thing from us and it's important that you know YOU HAVE 10% COUPONS NOT BEING USED
photobucket- we changed everything and you didn't notice and we need to keep reminding you we changed everything and you didn't notice
diabetes management- hi, we know you have no idea who we are but we need to bury your inbox with life changing tips
google updates- ha, fooled you, we're a phishing scam and you can't get rid of us
That was a sample of H*U*N*D*R*E*D*S of emails burying a couple of really important things just over the last two weeks. It's not even 6 a.m. yet and even with coffee, my brain is mush.
The stitches come out of my hand at 8 a.m. today. I'm going to miss the bright blue fishing line. It's my favorite shade of blue.
This song popped into my head last night. I'm told I was conceived during a motorcycle vacation through California. I grew up on and around Hondas, and my dad owned a Honda shop. My little brother called them motorpickles. I heard this song a lot.
P.S. Dee Dee once commented on an older blog because I was talking about this Triumph motorcycle ad I still had in my house from when I was a kid.
My biggest mistake is opening the fridge door with the surgery hand. +_+
click to get lost in pinterest
I tried a little singleplayer last night, it hurt. Not back on game yet.
click for surgeon skin in minecraft
Caught up on The 100 yesterday, 3 left for Killjoys, probably watch that today.
click for a Canadian TV blog
Got my Halloween wallpapers on a slideshow screensaver. This was on Google chrome search for 'Halloween bats wallpaper'. I tried several variations and got a few really good ones.
Decided to custom order Christmas cards this year because cheaper than the store. I think I'm done looking around for pix right now.
I was told during a soliciting phone call today that the referrer did research on me and put me on a list. I'm easy to do research on, but I wanted to know how they got my phone number... Still blaming FB for that slip up.
I couldn't actually read that one without exploding my brain right now.
So this publisher is originally licensed in Wyoming, offices are in Delaware, packaging assembly something to do with being located in London, and the call center is in the Phillipines. By the time the pitch was over, the caller literally complained that the call took 30 minutes. Well, I was the one who called back after a voice mail was left, so...
clicks to cute memes
I just wanted to see why publishers are suddenly soliciting me over the phone again. Yes, it's a huge market looking for international content, and I totally qualify. It's just that I was told by the company that I already contracted with that they never solicit.
more memes...
She also kept mentioning how soft my voice was. I finally told her I'm recovering from airway during surgery only yesterday. Did that stop the pitch at all? Nope.
one day..
So I'm in demand. She didn't have a clue what I actually DO, but she assured me I'm very marketable.
Doing this on my phone because I put the laptop into storage till bandage comes off my wrist. Arrival time for double surgery tomorrow is 6 a.m., so I'm getting up at 4 to get that last hibiclens shower.
No coffee. +_+ Scott's life will be in danger. I'll be sweet all medicated up afterward.
I'm also already hungry just thinking that I can't eat in the morning. I rarely eat very early. It's the idea of it throwing my brain-to-stomach relay a curve ball.
I can't wait to see what it feels like to live without a half inch bone chip sliding around stabbing inside my knee in there. All these years. Oof. Wish I'd said something sooner.
K, I've fought with blogger on phone long enough, need YouTube so bad.
One of those medical assessment posts for my glitchy memory.
Established with cardiology yesterday. I had a cardiologist a couple years before and after my radio ablation for SVT back in 2000, but insurance changes flipped me to another network, and I'm just now establishing again after the May hospitalization for uncontrollable blood pressure breakout. I am fabulous right now, so I don't have to go back until next year, but at least now I have direct call waiting and email to specialist if I need one. I think my primary is relieved.
Ramping slowly back up to 300mg 3x a day on the gabapentin per neurologist, again. This is the third time I'm trying. First time (winter 2017) went up too fast and turned into lethargic zombie. Second time (May 2018) coincided with amlodipine and got significant leg swelling, plus the amlodipine wrecked my diabetes. This time it's slow and the only med being changed. So far I'm sleeping better and getting up easier, no weight gain or fluid retention that I can tell. Being commanded to watch blood pressure after stopping amlodipine, have been able to solidly correlate pain level to blood pressure since I also ramped down the gabapentin and now ramping back up. It's one thing to say pain causes high blood pressure, it's another to actually see it on paper. Clearly I need to stay on pain management, now that I'm below the 140/90 target again. I'm still on toprol, of course, but my pain levels easily override control when I try to tough things out and power through, like I was brought up to do through my childhood. Looking back, I can see that powering through probably set me back through much of my adult life, as I gritted my teeth and held on through college and jobs and trying to be a good parent for kids in school. The band president year was pretty rough. I loved it, though, and I don't regret it. Stuff like that. But yeah, I fought hard to stay as normal as possible in between month or year long stretches of complete disability and severe immobility.
Also, the stenosis in my neck is bad enough now that even slightly turning my head either direction sends shooting pains down shoulders (so fun in traffic!), and if there is really less wiggle room in there, maybe it's time to move past chiropractor. It was a lifesaver over the last decade as I was going through core strength in physical therapy, but all that is stabilized now and I rarely need adjustments any more. I knew this would be part of Plan C, moving on to the meds.
I'll still need ASTYM maintenance or I'll freeze up solid, but you can't ASTYM a nerve trunk, lol. The thought made me giggle. There's a special kind of humor in pain lifestyle.
There is also irony, like slamming through a week long tweetfest one week before carpal tunnel surgery. 😂 I have really been enjoying #SharknadoWeek on Syfy, but barely able to hang onto anything because of it, like flipping a spoonful of yogurt on my good blouse, casually tossing my phone into a wet sink, I won't even bring up keys. Too late. But yeah, it's crucial to always close the toilet around a person like me in the house. Anything could go anywhere at any time if my hands even pretend to touch something. You'd laugh if you could see how klutzy I am trying to moderate on a game server. Just trying to type a short command under pressure is hilarious when the player has one of those long names spelled weird with caps and dashes and extra x's sprinkled around.
Let's see, what else. Allergies are so bad right now that I've tripled my zyrtec and benadryl, ears feel like I'm underwater or flying 20K feet, throat is on fire and sore to swallow. I'm mostly fine inside my house. We have 3 hepas now and I'm so stringent on laundry coming in that most of it stops at the door, but even just driving into town in a climate controlled car with air filters has me swimming in snot. I was chunking more antihistamines in traffic yesterday only 15 minutes from my house. Between all the mowing and the rains and wind now in a high humidity region, I am breathing particulate soup everywhere I go.
Is this boring? I feel boring. No one ever talks about the conspiracy scenes in Sherlock. Oh, yeah, the fan theories, but you know, like the background scenes and stuff... Here, lemme distract you from that before you actually think or something.
The Cases Are Fake: A Theory That Totally Changes Sherlock
Except that all falls apart in season four, when we find out it wasn't Mycroft...
Ok, I'll give you a nibble. Like the clock scene when Moriarty is giving the raspberry in the air sending a text off to Mycroft. The time is 10:55. Check this out, from What are police codes? What is the meaning of the police code 1055?
10–55 means “dead person” or “coroners case.” This would be the ten code used on a police radio when an officer arrives on the scene and finds something dead. Although the code is meant to describe dead people it is often used to describe other dead things like a dead car battery, a dead radio, or dead animal.
Yeah, I know that's a stretch because that's a U.S. code, but still fun to think about. I could make a whole list, though. I still say the filming was brilliant, whether it was purposeful or not.
And because I free associate right off the page, I wound up here
I was wondering how long it would be before a hijacker hopped on. I'd like to gratz my first to show up, the ever popular pizza imperia that actually clicks out to parkabovedotcom with a 20-line script just in the address that probably gets my dental records while it's at it.
I recognize at least 20 on that list that made me crazy on my last blog. Interesting note, I didn't get ANY of that on this new blog until I listed it with my google properties. Made over 40 posts without any hitchhikers, and then I blew it. *shakes fist at google*
*sigh*
Also, Peru has joined my merry mashup of miscreants. It's the richest country in the world, and also the top cocaine producer. They have all kinds of cool stuff there, like mummies and the Inca, mystical doorways to other worlds across the cosmos, Nazca lines, Cusco, and ancient elongated skulls that some purport to be alien-human hybrids. Also, besides their politics being scary, I think they have bunkers in the mountains for the uber wealthy around the world in case an asteroid hits or they decide to nuke everyone per the Georgia Guidestones. Hi, Peru. *waves*
Hello, person who opened every single thing openable on here in 10 minutes flat and I can see your house because failure to mask. Thanks for the multiple shares, pretend I served you some complimentary nachos, and kudos for the crazy widget trails that looked like you were copying every piece of code on my page. If this was bait, you're not the first. If this was a hack, sorry if you didn't get much. If this was pure innocence, not a clue what that blitz was. It's really rare I see a visitor trail blazing through like the one you left today. *standing up, slow clap* Brava.
Actually, statcounter caught that, I didn't even waste my time looking for you in analytics.
Ok, on to real life. Crazy weekend, some of you following caught the kiddo broken arm surgery overnight in hospital thing. We're on the second night, comes home tomorrow. Thanx to everyone across my medias and gaming who expressed concerns and good cheer, and now I'm in faceplant spoonie mode while bonenado takes care of a few things this evening. I'm back on duty tomorrow for trip home from hospital, and may not be available for much else.
3 1/2 weeks until my double surgery, so the race is on against a cosmos aiming for the big target painted on my life, will I complete my mission to win back my bedroom before the big recovery week? Bets are on, and if I manage to successfully duck and dodge in slo-mo it'll be pure accident. I'm definitely in dumb wut? mode right now. I'm this close to Arthur Dent tripping and majestically flying level. (Definitely worth the click and read if you don't know wth I'm talking about.)
This just came in on notifications (likely a fan reupload to keep it available), so go bump up your brain and awareness levels. David Wilcock 2018 * With Zero Point Energy and Advanced Propulsion Technology! Original channel is at Divine Cosmos and possibly content shadowed by Discover the Secret. The main thing is pure information not available in mainstream education. It's nice finding people who spend lifetimes on research on information that is very difficult to get openly. Freedom of information and freedom of speech are an illusion, and I appreciate people putting their lives on the line to keep sharing.
click for fun romp thru 'chronic illness demotivational posters'
Those crack me up, lol.
So I finally made it through the rest of the Patrick Melrose miniseries, by the last ep they stopped being so subtle about the idea that the elite of the world are dying out and their children are done with their head games as they have their own children and realize how awful the generation above them are. I've been going through the same revelations myself through my own years. I think they did a really good job with the show.
@bonenado is home with me this week because scary big stuffs, so we're off and on hitting the DVR in between other things. Slammed through the last of the 12 Monkeys, and I've decided I'm going to buy that series and slam marathon the entire series over again sometime. I don't waste my money on entertainment, so that's a big deal. I really don't have the time to sit and watch TV, so I'm barely keeping up, but HUMANS and The 100 are caught up.
The more actual medical documentation I find on Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, the more thankful I am for the weird synchronicities in my life that led to me even bringing it up with a doctor, because one sentence not being said at the right moment could have changed this path entirely. One particular info document to doctors mentions that expected mortality for untreated RMSF can be as early as 8 days, and people can take months and years to recover from the rapid damage even on antibiotic. That 5 day window is critical to staying ahead of the level of damage that causes 'neurologic changes' among a long list of other very nasty things. I have purposely pulled back just in case something spirals out of control and I don't have any more time to deal with explanations, contacted key people about current activity changes, and now this is here for everyone else. I've been in low grade fever all week, started having the headaches yesterday (brain inflammation is a huge risk with my autoimmune history), and still having difficulty walking on the affected leg with the swollen knee. The fatigue is unreal.
As far as we can tell, onset was around June 11th, BUT IF the sudden blood pressure surge 2 weeks before was part of it, I could be about a month in, and that would mean the critical antibiotic window was missed. The doxycycline *will kill* the RMSF germ, yes, but I could already have damage that could still become life threatening, or at the very least, make the summer feel much longer and more arduous than my normal spoonie summer with allergies and temp changes from AC and heat. I was already living with nerve dysfunctions and arthritis, and both the RMSF and doxy can kick off an autoimmune flare at any time, if I'm not already in one. Treating could get tricky. Best I can do is rest rest rest.
Still on the game server every day. Sorry if I'm slow to see private messages coming in. I know I had a lot more to do online, and I still have plans galore I want to get to, but it's important right now to keep my positivity focused for better healing. In the old days I crawled through coding and tweaks on bad days. I may be getting back into that, and THAT, basically, is what built my web presence in the first place.
Myke, Barry, Sam, Riv, Sploit, Vicki, Lisa Marie, Holly, #Snarkalecs, Matt, Aaron and Mel, Dylan and Dawn, all the Scotts, Mike B and his bois including the boss, movie gang (my rock), moc, fandom friends, everyone who lurks me and I know you're there watching my blunders and boofs and picking back up again- I love you. If I go through another brain crash and it's a slow climb again, I'm putting this here so I'll remember Pinky Robot euphorias started with you guys showing #aspienado how to hang out without blowing up the webs.
Fastest backfire ever. I didn't even try to imitate that last vid, I just watched it. I can barely use my right leg today between quads and knee locking up. And it's not even really painful, just muscle lock and off track kind of thing.
Honestly though, I think I worked through a hell of a lot of stress in the psychologist's office yesterday. It started right after I left. Psychoneuroimmunology is a real thing and I have the monocytes showing up on earlier blood tests to prove it. Or, as one person in the medical field has mentioned, I internalize my outer environment, and another noted that I am hyper reactive to both my inner and outer environments.
I feel life full blast and I try to stay chill. It's like the meme 'dying inside', but it actually manifests. It's like my life is an artistic expression of the human condition. If the aliens don't take me, I'll dramatically stumble and cry, "But I'm an artist!"
If I had a twin somewhere I could claim to feel the repurcussion of her leg being slammed in a soccer game. Yeah, that's it. That.
