psyops

click for some beautiful pictures
scroll down the page for a list of links to more Ozarks pictures

Despite last night's live tweet falling pretty flat, I had decent enough returns on it to be worth my time, plus I actually enjoyed the movie.

O_O Um...

So y'all know I crawl all over twitter and am very familiar with its structure, because I use its library system constantly to find stuff. Since twitter is real time and most people on there are either half bombed on something or just too busy to notice (or don't care), I find all kinds of patterns in the seeming chaos. I see people knee jerking their lives away. I see puppet masters making y'all dance. I see all your mood swings pretty much go up and down and in and out on cue, over and over and over. I've blogged before how every year, sometimes almost to the day, friends of mine around the world will say almost identical sentences about their depression, which raises tons of questions in someone who has a bachelor of science degree in sociology. So let's think a little bit.

What are psyops?

• Psychological operations (PSYOP) are planned operations to convey selected information and indicators to audiences to influence their emotions, motives, and objective reasoning, and ultimately the behavior of governments, organizations, groups, and individuals.
• PSYOP can encourage popular discontent with the opposition's leadership and by combining persuasion with a credible threat, degrade an adversary's ability to conduct or sustain military operations. They can also disrupt, confuse, and protract the adversary's decision-making process, undermining command and control.
• PSYOP involves the careful creation and dissemination of a product message. There are three types of products that are used to create these messages. They include White products which are used in overt operations and Gray and Black products which are used in covert PSYOP. White, Gray, and Black don't refer to the product's content but rather the methods used to carry out the operation.
• In order for PSYOP to be successful they must be based in reality. All messages must be consistent and must not contradict each other. Any gap between the product and reality will be quickly noticed. A credible "truth" must be presented which is consistent to all audiences. Primarily it is a component of offensive counterinformation but can be used defensively as well. 
• White PSYOP is attributable to PSYOP as a source. White is acknowledged as an official statement or act of the U.S. government, or emanates from a source associated closely enough with the U.S. government to reflect an official viewpoint. 
• The source of the gray PSYOP product is deliberately ambiguous.
• The activity engaged in appears to emanate from a source (government, party, group, organization, person) usually hostile in nature. The interest of the U.S. government is concealed and the U.S. government would deny responsibility. It is best used in support of strategic plans. Covert PSYOP is not a function of the U.S. military but instead is used in special operations due to their political sensitivity and need for higher level compartmentalization. Further, black PSYOP, to be credible, may need to disclose sensitive material, with the damage caused by information disclosure considered to be outweighed by the impact of successful deception.
• PSYOP conveys messages via visual, audio, and audiovisual media. Military psychological operations, at the tactical level, are usually delivered by loudspeaker, and face to face communication. For more deliberate campaigns, they may use leaflets, radio or television. Strategic operations may use radio or television broadcasts, various publications, airdropped leaflets, or, as part of a covert operation, with material placed in foreign news media.

Everything that goes viral is a psyop.

• #plaidshirtguy was an unpaid impromptu individual act but was still designed to get attention.
• #qanon is a White House supported military operation halting illegal acts against the U.S. Constitution, if what they purport to be doing is true.
• A whole bunch of stuff in between is about yanking your chain to either awww or froth with hate- Body shaming, racism, puppies and kittens, pictures of elite vacation spots and high class cars, sports, popular movie enculturation, celebrity deaths- it's all there molding your brain every time you scroll a feed.

When you do your research, you find out how connected many of these people are in real life. They are related by family and/or college/business friends/associates (CEOs of social media platforms), they all seem to be working under an unseen umbrella (finding out facebook was established the same day a military operation was closed was enlightening, especially when pointed out they have identical goals), high paid celebrities working with companies and making political and corporate contacts all over the world behind the scenes, 'big' money/pharma/sports/manufacturing/food being run by political interests from outside our own country, and since this is all out there and easy to research, I'll just stop there.

'We' are little people. Most of us barely have enough money to live check to check. Some of us have nest eggs that probably wouldn't last five years if there were some calamity or illness in our lives. Many of us feel helpless, frustrated, and live our entire lives depressed, watching rich people do things on our televisions.

Some of you are not ready to wake up yet. This is where you click back off the page and go back to what you were doing. I don't want to trigger you if you aren't ready yet.

I like watching rich people on social media. I'm lately in and out of the upper crust gangs who say hello and stuff to each other every day, but if you'll notice, they never really talk. Just start moving around in these groups and pretty quickly the question pops up- What is their motivation? All they ever do is say hello and good night and post beautiful pictures of wonderful places (hints that they might even really be there), that they know each other (happy birthday shows up, but very differently from the regular talking groups), and platitudes that hint of covering darkness with brave but very fragile beauty. I really do enjoy their feeds, but sometimes something gets a little too obvious, especially when someone else retweets them in a row into your incoming feed. Is this a covert message?

There are several common triggers in the above pic tweets that people inside a certain circle know. Those three pictures are all about a belief system that isn't *cough* supported in mainstream, so it must be encoded. The first pic is a child/adult relationship demo'd with goats, which is an obvious Baphomet reference. I say obvious because many Baphomet depictions show adoring children gazing up at his face. The second pic is about Moloch, a god who required child sacrifice. When you see owls showing up in some feeds, they are rather obviously not about nature so much as a trigger for something else. The third pic is as NAMBLA as it gets. A 'bear' is euphemism for a man who likes boys or children. In and of themselves, all these pictures are innocent and natural in real life. I love pictures of animals, who doesn't? But as stupid as this sounds, they've come to symbolically represent human ideologies.

Not picking on anyone in particular, but this just happens to be such an easy account to demo. Mio is a real word (and the name of many businesses and companies) but it is followed by 666 (unclear whether that is deliberate), and something I've noticed about many of these accounts- nearly all of them say 'no DMs', many of them add 'no porn' (wonder why they'd need to add that if all they do is tweet beautiful pix), and nearly all of them never respond to anyone else in any way aside from their own following. They are clearly there to touch base with each other and nothing else, no convos at all, no indication of preferences or thoughts of any kind. Once you get used to the interaction, you see they are globally networked and apparently living in the upper crust, since they occasionally hint at where they are actually sitting when they take a beautiful picture at a table with a high dollar beautiful background. It's like a game they play.

I like to look up names and definitions and see what all is out there. This one got interesting.

So MIO, 666, and suggestive natural pictures about adult/child 'relationships' might really be a thing. No wonder accounts like that have to say no DM and no porn.

I'm the kind of person who walks right by this stuff because I'm super ace and it just never occurs to me. Thanks to experiences throughout my adulthood, my eyes have been opened and I'm able to see it all around me now. These things are not coincidences. They are very carefully crafted to look like innocent coincidences, but they get into all our brains. We become so used to seeing this 'innocence' repeated over and over that we essentially become brain trained to automatically associate some things with innocence until we are staunchly defending things we'd normally find extremely offensive. I see this all the time. It's very hard for us to believe, much less imagine, that a person we've come to put on a pedestal could be involved in something heinous and reprehensible, something that would make us feel very sick. It's easier to shunt it to the automated 'innocent' pile and walk past it.

Our lives are not a series of random blunders through depression. These are carefully crafted structured mental walks through very horrible things all around us by very rich people. We are virtually blindfolded in cattle pens with no way out. Our lives suck. Their lives don't.

Until you can open your eyes, you will never understand this depression you live in. You will defend your lifestyle to its depressing end because every day we are rewarded with legal intoxication and lots of entertainment. They keep us sedated while they constantly pull strings to make us angry, awww, sad, laugh at a joke, froth at a sentence, aww again...

BACK TO PSYOPS.

You can turn that off. You can make it stop. Turn off your tech for a day, or a week. Walk away. I once walked away for a whole year. I left behind the brain yanking and found MYSELF. And then when I came back I saw all of it through different eyes. They could no longer brain yank me. They could no longer make me depressed and angry. I saw them yanking people all around me like puppets, all of them responding on cue, none of them realizing this was happening. I started walking among them and around them, free of my own chains. I found other free people trying to make the brain yanking stop, trying to wake the puppets up. I found the counter psyop. I found the revolution.

This revolution is very real. It's worldwide. It's strong. It's taking down the rich people who keep puppets in pens with blindfolds making money for them while the puppets live sad lives and die depressed.

The revolution is going to hurt some of the puppets who can't wake up. They won't understand what is happening. They'll be angry and keep defending the puppet masters. They won't know what they are defending if they won't open their eyes.

Please don't defend human trafficking and child sex rituals. Please don't defend the rich abusing the world while they play mind games on us. Please don't defend religions that aren't 'real'. Please pray for the ones who will be killed if they don't do what they are told. Please understand what celebrity suicides really are. Please open your eyes.

We are here with you, all around you. Don't be afraid. Be ready. Get ready. The revolution is upon us.

If (WHEN) the revolution is successful, #relasethepatents will happen and technology will be unhindered, and we will feed the world. There are cancer cures being suppressed, there is free energy that inventors have been murdered over to suppress, people are giving their lives trying to get truth out to the public.

Get ready. #wakeup (You will never see the #wakeup hashtag in the beautiful feeds.)

snapping out of that hypnotic stare at a screen

click for good advice about healthy teeth

This isn't my usual fun stuff. Don't follow me down this path if you don't want to feel sick.

Halloween is a fun time. I love Halloween, it's one of my favorite holidays. I love autumn, I love the fun, I love everyone having a spooky good time.

Part of the fun is watching scary movies. I have nothing against scary movies. I have nothing against enjoying Halloween for the spooky fun of it.

But that's where it stops.

The flip side of the entire Halloween movie industry is that it callouses people to believing the acting and the stories in the films could be 'real'. Or, they become so far removed from anything on film being real that they can't believe real people could actually do anything like the films in their normal lives. The portrayal of the psychopath has become so stereotyped that we believe only psychopaths can behave that way, and that a psychopathic lifestyle is a singular incident that happens due to psychological stresses.

To accept that the things we see on Halloween films can be a real way of life for a large network of people around the world is difficult. The idea of actually hurting and killing each other for sport brings up enough repulsion in most of us that we can't cross the line of taboo and imagine feeling that way ourselves, or even if when we mentally experiment about crossing that line, we know we'd never really do anything like that. It's very difficult for us to believe that scary stuff about death and blood and fear is a real lifestyle that people live out all year. Not psychopaths. Real people like you and me. People who teach their children that it's normal to live like that.

Meeting people who've escaped this is very life transforming. They escape from people who look like us. They sound like us. They seem like us. You can't even imagine them being malicious. They are model citizens, good people with good values and morals. You'd never dream and you just can't imagine. And their kids never get rescued because no one believes them when they say something outrageously offensive about someone doing something. Like burying a baby in the yard before they moved to another state. Like being excited about earning their first 50 cents at the age of 11 from an uncle. Like being chased around a table by a father hellbent on rape, and then being tied down multiple times by a mother doing abortions in a basement. I personally cannot imagine a marriage like that, or doing that to my kids, but I've met people who've been so physically scarred from abuse that they could not have their own children.

I've indicated over several years that I'm familiar with death. I've also talked about walking along the edge of the underground. I've met people. I know things. I've done enough to know what's real and what isn't real. I've been places most people wouldn't believe could be on their own streets without anyone being any the wiser.

I know I am capable of things most people I've met would recoil from. Most people wouldn't be able to put their own pet or even a wild animal out of extreme misery, much less dismember and eat their own pets. Having said that, I'm very much against animal abuse and torture, and believe all pets are slaves. I cannot conscientiously own a pet beyond a few chickens after years of farm life. My kids have a couple of pets in my house and it's very difficult for me navigate around the personal triggers when I feel like the pets are miserable or lonely. Imagine how difficult it is for me to be around children being treated poorly. I feel people love animals more than they do other humans, and thinking about that makes me feel so sad that I can barely manage, so I have to shut that feeling down. The anger and sadness that people carry around constantly is very hard for me to be around, which has led to a very reclusive lifestyle.

So imagine meeting people who've done things to other people that are so awful you would never not have nightmares again just knowing about it. Imagine seeing something in a movie that is so much like something that has happened in real life that it makes you feel too sick to watch it, even though you know it's 'not real'.

If you like scary Halloween movies and want more, there is more. There is a lot out there coming out about real stuff going on around all of us. Death and blood and very horrible fear is a networked worldwide industry. There is a lot of money in providing children for parties and films. Some of those children survived growing up living this way, and now they are finding their voices. The irony is how deaf and blind the world around them is to what they have to say while the fascination is turned toward an industry aimed at fake gore. We all know that stuff is fake, right? It's fun.

Over the last couple of years there has been a virtual explosion of social media hate around truths coming out. The trolls have been relentless, while even CEOs of social media platforms are being called in for hearings over whether their networks protect this underground networked industry. The explosion around politics and conspiracy theories rage on and on, often enraging citizens right off the scent of the truth behind what is really going on behind the fronts on mainstream media.

Why? What is so bad about truth that it can't be allowed out into the open? Unless there are some very familiar names winding up in the investigations...

There are now over 51,000 sealed indictments on the biggest human trafficking investigation in human history in the last 8 months. That's in the U.S. Word is out that the UK is next. This is going worldwide. People are going down. People that many of you believe in and still fight for are being nailed for obstructing truth and even supporting human trafficking. Politicians. Public servants. Celebrities.

You want a really awesome thrill this Halloween? Start paying attention to what is really going on beneath all the hate on the social medias. They are going down kicking and screaming, and they are trying to keep you guys so full of hate for each other that we'll miss seeing what they are going down for.

This is it, guys. Halloween has come to the movie industry. Everything you never wanted to know or believe about people you adore in upper crust is being ripped open.


CAUTION: These videos get graphic and may be upsetting or set off PTSD triggers.


#PIZZAGATE SURVIVOR DESCRIBES HORRIFIC ABUSE!

MUST WATCH! JOHNNY DEPP EXPOSED #PIZZAGATE
(I'm not picking on Johnny, anyone who knows me knows I have a long history of being a huge fan. Some of the things in this video are pointedly leading, but they have a point in the compiled history and some of the industry involvement. I don't care about the religion or orientation debate. The point is that the actual victims got buried under the celebrity distraction. One has to ask why. I grew up with the whole Satanism in the movie and music industry conspiracy. It was a great way to get a few people really rich and goes way back beyond the Beatles to stuff back in the 50s. I could care less about that. Again, the point is that violently murdered children were dismissed by this industry.)

Worldwide paedophile ring busted in sting operation

Snuff Films - Child Murder #Pizzagate Documentary

Happy Halloween to everyone who made money in the human trafficking industry. Time to nail lids on a few coffins. These are only a few samples, and this has been going on a very long time. You can choose to dismiss this and continue chiming in the knee jerk hate fest on social medias, but like I've mentioned in a few comments here and there, trolling anyone trying to break truth through about human trafficking and especially child sexual abuse trafficking is basically saying they're fine with pedophilia. Something to think about.

Also, hats off to those with inside knowledge who wound up 'suicided'. I don't believe celebrity suicides are what the mainstream media makes them out to be, and the very heavy depression in the industry is the cost for keeping quiet.

If you'd like to wake up more (keeping in mind that all it takes to put you back to sleep is the phrase 'fake news', which basically means you've been brain trained)-

Revealed: The symbols that pedophiles use to signal their sordid sexual preferences on social media

Stop the Pedophiles

Inside suspected pedophile’s lair, a glimpse at a global child rape epidemic

Elite Hollywood Pedophile Ring

An Open Secret

That's probably enough for now. Lot more out there if you are still hooked on being actually shocked.

respawn

Big storms blowing thru and can't stay on server without being continually kicked, so I went back to single player where I've been working on my 'casual crisis' approach to conquering stress in my life. Totally forgot you can't sleep in a bed in the nether...

Survival in singleplayer is pretty intense. Probably the hardest part is not having someone to strategize with or whine to. It's all on ME.

I've enjoyed watching others play on server because we're all so different, and nearly everyone has a unique style or quirk that puts more spunk into playing together. If everyone played the same it would get boring really fast, probably not very different from an ant farm. Every single day on the multiplayer server is very different from the day before, like variables constantly being shaken up and piles of dice rolling our fates out.

In the meantime, this bone chip in my knee is hurting like crap and I can't wait to get it out of there.

I don't get to live tweet much any more nowadays, but I do a lot of thinking about Gotham. Gotham isn't a place, it's a truth. It's a compact fictionized visual of real things. We know these things are real, but we think they are far away, somewhere else, in a different sort of life. We're all in Gotham. Some of us just don't know that's what this is.

Yet.

It would probably be weird to talk about how happy I've felt lately. I know it's weird and a lot of you probably won't understand, but making the decision to stand alone in a spotlight and go rogue against the grain for so many years (bluejacky, Janika Banks, Pinky, Lexxperience, #aspienado) and say all the things I really think that tend to make people take an awkward step back from me for whatever reason has been a very lonely journey. I can't be myself and be friends with people very well, and I say and believe weird things because they aren't mainstream, and even people closest to me take me with enough salt to fill an ocean. Well, some of you have been paying attention for the last 6 years (actually 14 years as a Lexx fan, but srsly really 25 years of internet history), and lately you've seen me jump on a certain political thing, which is very unlike me to do. It turns out I'm not alone at all. There are hundreds, thousands, even millions of people all over the world coming out now with the anon #wakeup movement who think like I do, believe what I do, and want what I do. We see all the ways the masses are kept blind, kept asleep, kept enslaved, and we see the opportunity to change that. I know the world looks especially dark right now, but I am happy. My people have come out to fight the madness that is the New World Order, and I'm not alone at all any more talking about this. It's hard being the only one talking about the Illuminati logo (2016) before anyone else called it that. It's hard being the only one putting Kubrik, Plato, Orwell, and the book of Amos into one post (2015) before anyone else connects all those dots. It's hard discussing human trafficking and women not having any rights being so beautifully filmed in a scifi series (2015) and watching that go viral in Sharia law countries while Americans yawn. I've done none of this for money or attention, and for many years I've been writing about oppression, depression, and surviving being oneself with mental health diagnoses, and to what end? Well, after all these years I can only say I am so very thrilled to be watching all these things come to world attention, to be seeing so many people start standing up for what they really believe in as opposed to viral hype in popularity contests. I am not anon, because I own who I am in a very public spotlight, but I have always stood with anons and you guys know it. I support lurking, I keep saying learn to use your proxies, I make my stuff easy to find and see so no one has to out themselves showing up with an account just to see what I'm doing. #transparency And if the whole would would do that now, just stand up and be yourselves, embrace who we are and what we love in this world, and be kind allowing each other to do that, we might just see World Order and all its slavery toppled. The anons are among us, they have our backs, and they see ways to help free us of tyranny. Trust the plan. We may see the world slave owners tumble down within our lifetimes.

wascally wabbit

One of my life challenges is being a germ phobe. So when a rabbit plunged underneath my kitchen table and knocked over an electric popcorn popper I was storing underneath against the wall and then sat on the nonwashable nonstick cooking surface, I automatically nixed that popcorn popper from future use. That's how I am.

I didn't use to be that stringent. Many years of chronic illness later, I am keenly aware that germs can wreak havoc in our bodies. I grew up on a farm, and although I was strong and very capable of long work days (the horror, lol), I am not a strong adult. Pathogens and injuries are cumulative, and every day I face hard work just getting out of bed and keeping a routine going.

My depression went into the extremes this last year, but I kept doggedly at least keeping up with a schedule, forcing myself to keep cleaning up after others over and over, day in and day out. We have a verbal agreement that as long as they are out making money and living emotionally healthy lives, I will do the laundry and the dishes, and I throw in cleaning the bathrooms once in awhile. I've already made it through one surgery during this extra challenge, basically still doing all these chores myself when I should have probably been in bed, and in about a month I face a double surgery that will knock me off a chore schedule for at least a week or two. Right hand, right knee. You can imagine the fail I feel looking around my house. I could post pictures, but since a 'friend' showed up out of the blue and put my house all over the internet some years ago, and then a visiting group from China walked through my house another year unannounced, taking pictures over every room including the pile of dirty dishes on my counter during one of my chronic months when everything fell apart, I don't feel inclined to add to that kind of stuff.

In short, no one cleans up after me. They gag just cleaning up after themselves, so they don't. I find dishes all over the house, dirty socks have sat on my kitchen counter next to open food, stuff in the fridge I never bought will sit and rot until I throw it out, and on really bad days my house smells like something died.

I spent the first two days of this 'vacation' airing out my house, scrubbing the trash can, deep cleaning bathrooms and floors, literally disinfecting a rabbit cage that stunk to high heaven, on top of executing a new plan.

This is obviously no longer 'my house'. I am allowed to live here, yes, but all three stories are saturated with other people's things. A lot of my stress is about shared space. I'm a phobe, it's hard for me to share space. I need a place to withdraw, which is difficult. A person might not believe she did this, but three different times in the week before departure, I was walked in on in my own bedroom without so much as a knock, and the talking started the second the door was open. No knock, no hello mind if I come in and tell you something, no good morning or how's it going. Just full on walking in without warning. She's 30. It's my house, my bedroom. My mind is blown every time that happens. I don't own one square foot of sanctity or solitude in my own home. And I'm very forgiving of it because I know, given the personalities of the people I married into, this is much better than fussing.

But I need a boundary. I spent this week 'pulling back'. I cleaned out the last of my stuff in the livingroom and pulled in into my bedroom. Everything that is not mine or Scott's is going to be pushed out of my bedroom before my double surgery date. By the time I'm home recovering from surgery, I will have a clean peaceful bedroom to rest in.

I'm done with the rabbit. I like rabbits, I grew up with rabbits, but nothing is being done to satiate this rabbit's craving to chew, and it's only a matter of time before our expensive electronics become useless. No attention has been given to putting a little time and effort into protecting electrical cords to appliances that will cost thousands to replace. No pet toys for chewing show up. This rabbit has spent weeks throwing itself against the cage door upstairs. It absolutely hates living here. I had the rabbit brought down to the kitchen to care for while everyone was gone, and aside from being shut into a bathroom for a few hours to hop around every day, which it hates, throwing itself against and chewing the door, it has been in its cage, and I daresay, this is the longest its cage has been this clean since it moved into this house. This is not a happy rabbit. It feels the same way I feel, trapped and helpless to do anything about it.

I got a lot done though. Stripping out drawers and being able to lay everything out on my livingroom floor for a week without anyone walking on or moving any of it has been delightful. The longer my stuff sat all around me being organized, the lower my stress went until I was so relaxed that I actually felt good. I was doing all kinds of work with very little pain stopping me.

They come home today, any time now. I woke up 2 hours ago with a headache, and every joing in my body hurts. Interesting.

I love my people. I think they are fine the way they are, and this is just how it is. I don't think I fit in with them. I have made myself fit with with lots of concessions over many years. That has taken a big toll on me. I am different and they don't understand, just like they don't really see how the rabbit feels. They don't know what to do for me, so they walk off, just like they walk off from the rabbit. I don't feel an affinity for the rabbit because it's just more work, in my opinion. Whatever 'love' that is supposed to be going on with a pet is being entirely lost on this rabbit. It's just a piece of furniture, a fluffy doll to babysit the kid, something to learn about life on.

Unlike the rabbit, I don't feel like I'm something to learn about life on. I am a useful servant. In my own home.

I needed to get this out before my people walk in the door. It helps just to get the words out of the way. I hate judgmentalism because I grew up with it, and I'm finding out it takes a lot to keep positivity in focus. I hate being a cranky gripey person, and not feeling well makes it harder to be sweet. I want them to be happy to come home. I want to be happy to see them. I did miss them, but I sure didn't miss the extra work.

Time to let this go. Maybe I can sneak that popcorn popper out to the trash before they pull in.

p.s. I've been bringing in handfuls of fresh clover from the yard for the rabbit, also has things to chew on this week, plus a little fresh lettuce. It's been a bit calmer, but until it's free of this cage, I'm afraid it will always be sulky, and I don't blame it one bit.

undrowning in my own house, or, just eat the cheese already

snips are from cards over the years

Exactly 5 months until Christmas Eve, the biggest holiday of the year that periodically mocks my life. I'm currently 2 days into my 5-day crisis management plan, the crisis being that every day of my life is governed by the continual crises of other people, the management being taking back my house, dagnabit.

For the most part, I am not a materialistic person. I watched confliction pull my mom apart from her own more materialistically oriented family (the kind of quiet wealth where she knew of at least one person a generation back who had a luxuriously golden bathroom, yes, real gold), and although it's nice to have nice things and look nice and be nice people, it's also very disturbing to see how ugly some people can be behind those very nice things.

Sorry if this is hard to read.

When I was a little girl I was told "Pretty is as pretty does", and I grew up noticing how hard people try to hide how ugly they really act when they are trying their best to be pretty people with pretty houses. It made no sense to me that my mom was her ugliest on Sundays, when she was under pressure to get four children to church. Incongruity is one of my favorite words, because I thought about it so much.

Christians being racist make me physically nauseous, thanks to my beautifully ugly grandmother cutting her own son off from her life. I cannot even imagine rejecting my own grandchildren, and would never dream of turning a child of mine away from my house, and that very much includes a step child. She is mine. I raised her, I love her, I will never not care deeply for her and her child. I try to imagine sometimes going back in time and having a discussion with my grandmother, with her at this age I am.

My own life in this house feels like insane hilarity and jocularity in a sort of cosmic joke kind of way, where whenever I even attempt to pretend I come from nice and pretty people, everything around me explodes apart into crisis after crisis until I am so beaten down that simply falling on my face as gracefully as possible for the millionth time is wearing me out badly enough that I can barely function emotionally. I have to switch everything inside of me off to make everything else around me ok, and usually everything around me is so chaotic that all I see is other people flailing through their lives. They may think they're holding it together, but what they're really doing is flailing from one crisis to the next in pretty clothes.

I have very real PTSD over the compulsion to look our best. Both my sisters had eating disorders in high school, I was a chain smoking alcoholic when I looked my prettiest (skinniest), and I know other psychological disorders very well, thanks to extended friends and family with a variety of challenges, so I recognize that my own life is about surviving other people's crises all around me in my own home. I am surviving poor coping skills, a host of displacement behaviors, all kinds of fallout originally intended to fix the happiness factor that can't possibly be maintained, and I'm the one drowning.

I'm drowning in materialism. I'm drowning in things. I'm drowning in products that promise beauty and happiness and better living. My house is so full of junk continually coming into it that I can't walk through a single part of it and not see it. I can't escape it, I can't make it stop, I can't put it anywhere that it will stay. The funniest part is that I'm the one home all day long with all this stuff.

I could be an ugly person and draw big ugly boundaries so that I have a beautiful house, or I can choose to be a pretty person and allow spillways of people I love splashing through my life and have a beautiful home. Because of the emotional traumas I saw and went through growing up, I will never make a material object worth more to me than another person's feelings. I want to be happy to see the faces of the people I love, not angry because they messed up something material.

But I really need my bedroom back. I need to stop feeling like I'm swimming through my own house. I need a safe place to hide. Maybe it's time to make a boundary.

I could go on, but I don't want to be an ugly person. Being walked in on without knocking (not talking about the child) is better than not being spoken to. Sharing space with people is better than being alone.

These are the other people I wish I could see.
It's been years again.

Like I finally said out loud for the first time in my life the other day, though- I've been cleaning up after people since I was seven years old. That's how old I was when I started folding laundry, doing dishes, cooking, cleaning the house, and helping my dad with the chores outside. Come October I will have spent 50 years of my life cleaning up after other people and their animals with no pay or reward back except that I get to live in a house I didn't pay for. My biggest challenge lately is not feeling peevish. I think about all the women all over the world over thousands of years who could probably say the same thing. There is no escape or relief, there is nothing that can ever repay us, and our only reward is seeing our people thrive because we worked so hard behind them.

It's lately come to my attention that I've been keeping up all this time with a bone chip from my thigh bone migrating around the band of tissue holding my knee together. "There is a focal full-thickness chondral defect present involving the central weightbearing portion of the lateral femoral condyle measuring 0.6 x 0.7 cm in the transverse and AP dimensions with a mild degree of underlying reactive edema-like marrow signal abnormality. A similar sized chondral body is present within the lateral compartment adjacent to the posterior aspect of the lateral femoral condyle. Intermediate grade chondromalacia is present involving the patellofemoral compartment with surface irregularity and partial-thickness fissuring."

I went out to pic clover and zucchini for BunBun and felt sorry for the maters.

Basically, I have this one week to rearrange my life so that I will be able to heal comfortably after surgery next month. I have a handful of days to do all the things for myself ahead of time that I know other people won't have the time to do for me later. After that everything will go wildly out of control again while I'm stuck healing, and as soon as I can get around, I will be swimming through more new (and used, thanks Goodwill!) things coming into my home.

I know a few people who will find it alarming that I've started matching up all my novelty sox in desperate effort to feel more organized. Yes, it's that bad.

*sigh*

Hang on, where's my just wonderful song?

the not so secret space program

~Yesterday~

My head is in 50 different places and I haven't really been talking about it all, so maybe I can lay it out here.

So of course it's really interesting listening to the Cosmic Disclosure interviews talking about die glocke around the same time I've been watching scifi written around it on 12 Monkeys (in a blown off way on that episode, until you take the entire season into account). A new space program has been announced, social medias are ramping up the verbal mud flinging around neo Nazi lingo that most people don't understand, and scifi is openly and very brazenly running with the bit mapping out what the hell a psychotic elite wants to do with this level of technology. As you can imagine, I'm loving every bit of it in a multidimensional level kind of way.

I've also this summer been watching myself from several angles while mostly staying mindfully centered (god, how broken am I), and I feel like a more holistic me is waking up to wondering how in the world I stayed really innocent for so long, even in my cynicism, and whether I really am ready yet to keep going forward to more. Psychologically, I love leaping around mountain crags for fun, like a goat maybe, but emotionally I am usually in the ravine far below, a bit of a turtle barely getting around a little ditch. Lately it feels like those extremes are meeting more in the middle, but at the same time it feels like I have everything turned off inside, and I seem to be aware of that, not oblivious to it. I'm in real time, I'm processing and knowing, and the emotional processing lag seems to be abating, but the real time stuff seems way less intense than having to sludge through the lag for some reason. Maybe it's because all that stuff got piled up in the past? I dunno. I do feel better about things in general, way less anxious, and a lot more realistic about what I can handle, so I think my real time is a lot healthier lately.

I finally claimed a webmii account.

Was surprised to see my score back up after a dismal winter, yay.

Right behind you, Lisa!

I know it seems dumb, but that is celebrity status for non celebrities. I'll use Gerald Webb as an example because he's a Snarkalec.

Or like Ellen Dubin because she's from Lexx.

Y'all know Benedict Cumberbatch has it made, thanks to his prolific fandom. I'm really glad he beats out Mark Zuckerberg.

You could play with that all day. Scores go up and down in real time depending on fresh and stable content and whether it's been looked at kind of thing. If you don't work for it yourself, someone else works hard on the webs for you with their content. The single biggest hook is having a unique name, or at least winding up at the top of a common name heap, although that alone won't pull a higher number for you.

Not too shabby.

Sorry, I'm waiting for a plane to land, just filling up my time. I've already reflexively almost knee-jerked into gotta do something for my people mode several times in the last hour and a half. I'm so used to stop, drop, and jumping for other people that this week is going to be an interesting experiment in how well I handle focusing on my own needs and relaxation and creativity and stuffs.

~Today~

Slept good, no weird nightmares, got my coffee, time to get on game. I've been moderating on a game server for a few months, usually in the mornings, and it seems to keep my head focused. I'm able to plan out and execute goals and strategies in game while juggling helping other players problem solve, and that seems to be helping my head relate back to real life. I used to make my lists and stuff. I barely make lists any more, only for big goals and not every little thing. Like this week, I have opportunities galore to do things in this house, so of course I have a list. Wasn't that long ago, couple or three years, my life was falling apart without a daily list. My brain is working so much better now. The change began when I weaned off the major meds and cleared out my head, but the really big change came after the sudden big wheat allergy. Since September 2014 I've not had any wheat at all in any form in my diet. Took a little time, but the fog lifting was almost immediate. The ability to think, read, and write, got easier over time. Add the CPAP last year and my brain took off like a kite. This year I feel like I have a lot of those IQ points back, thinking is way easier now, I'm remembering things better, staying time oriented.

I still have meltdowns here and there, usually med change related, pull me off the med, problem solved. If I'm getting emotional about something that's not my business or doesn't directly concerned me, that's a red flag. I know other people get emotional all the time over whiffs of political breeze, but I don't and never have because I was raised on political and religious debate since I was tiny. I can care deeply about issues and logic circles around people without getting all melty downy about it, so if I'm triggering over something small, time to look around inside and see what's going on that I need to personally deal with.

Was hearing on one of those cosmic disclosure interviews that the reason we aren't contacted and worked with directly already is because humans are way too emotional. We freak out over the tiniest things, we hate first and question later (if at all), we let emotions get in the way of problem solving, we pretty much screw ourselves and our relationships over emotions. That's why MK Ultra works so well with the CIA, they can rearrange braining into shoving emotions over, people get overwhelmingly big jobs done, and then they crack later when it's all over. Same with celebrities. How many of us would be able to work 16+ hour days in all kinds of conditions or live on tour buses for months at a time without cracking wide open? All of that is conditioned 'training'. They don't have to remember how hard it was.

Rebuilding memory after that kind of conditioning is hard. I never had professional conditioning, but to be broken by the broken (deep discussion with my psychologist over a parent being partially conditioned as a child) is probably just as bad, if not worse. The PTSD is real no matter how it's done.

I remember so many times as a child that I felt like a doll. I felt separate from this body. I'd look at my arms in horror and realize I was a trapped in a walking skeleton. Well, that is one of the key symptoms of dissociation. When my own little girl said she felt like a doll when she was young, my radar went full alert. I knew exactly what she meant. She had gone through actual abuse as a baby, and I finally got her away from her dad, but that doesn't fix the past. Subconsciously she will probably always deal with that turned off feeling popping up without warning, even though she seems emotionally very healthy now and handles life amazingly well, far better than I ever did at her age with a child.

Anyway, so if there really is a reveal coming concerning the space program, the toughest reveal will probably be that our own kept us slaves, not them. Well, the global elite seem to think they come from the gods and are natural royalty with bloodlines that must be kept track of, but they use all of us like slaves, caught in a monetary trap that we can never escape from. I've often thought for years how the only way to ever fix this mess the world is in would be to reset it, just dump the entire global digital network and free everyone from debt. Think about it, nearly everything digital is about debt.

What if there really was a way to leap past that into the sort of life that we see on Star Trek? What if the whole global structure could be reorganized so that we ALL get fed, get healthcare, get housing, get education, get good jobs, have nice lives, and none of us are in debt? What if part of the global alliance is about reaching that place?

We'd need to do away with royalty owning countries, world bankers holding the poor hostage, etc. How do you do that without a war? Especially if they own all the guns...

What if a war is going on right now? What if all this stuff I'm hearing is true?

One of the most interesting things I heard was that all this crazy rain was a snapback from the HAARP machines being turned off. I'd like to believe that. Who would be crazy enough to literally hold the earth hostage and force weather patterns to change, right? It can be done, I've looked at some of the science, but who in their right mind would make the world worse over it instead of better???

I need to get back on game, I'm afk over there while I work on paragraphs here. I'm currently mining out a layered road system all through and subdivided plots in a town I'm making. The roads will go down all the way to bedrock. Players will be able to run around the town underground that way, and if they want to continue an underground city and open their plots up down there themselves, that will be fun. Last week I crushed it grinding out a million bucks to pay for an ultra rare winged white ghost lion, which is rideable.

Also have a bigger than usual list to execute this week. I want my bedroom back, lol.

I think my whole life dangles, actually

It's funny that I can see in my stats when my friends' browsers get updated. 😂

Just spent an hour on a massive stat combing session across 3 blogs so I could officially stalk someone, and if you don't know what that actually means, well, I know what your house looks like and how much it's worth. Thanks to Street View and realtors, I literally get a walk thru every room in the house after I see what it looks like coming up to your driveway. It's not real time or anything, don't actually see anyone's dog and probably have new cars by now kind of stuff, but I get the basics. It's nothing really personal, just getting a slight feel for your daily life, but it's in a distant sort of way, probably kind of like looking at a Sims map.

I've said before we're all Sims.
Bioelectricity- evidence that we are someone else's Sims

Yeah, you can tell hardly anyone reads that blog... I'm not sure what to really do with it, so it just dangles out there.

I'm actually currently sketching out a new writing schedule, kicked my inbox over and restacked the queue, reprioritized #allthethings kind of stuff. Guess it's hitting me how hard and fast the last 3 years have flown by, and I'm past the point of catching up and basically needing to do a reboot. It helps to step out once in awhile and then come back to myself and reorganize my head. I've been feeling for awhile like I lost my path or something, and the jungle grew back around me, but I'm seeing all I did was just stop. I'm still standing on the path, just not taking steps. Time to get the machete swinging again.

This is someone else's article. I bet loads of people read it. I looked it up because this song popped into my head and I had to listen to it, because I imagined people probably think I'm horrible to say I'm stalking someone like I'm a sociopath or something, and my dx is narcissism and how weird would it be if I were both, right.
The Difference Between A Sociopath And Narcissistic Sociopath?

Anyway, I'm not jealous of that other blog being popular because that's not the kind of blogging I want to do. I'm not here to be an information content specialist, although, in case you're trying to find how people survive these kinds of diagnoses, you're in the right place. I seem to be doing pretty well, keeping in mind I've got ten years of voluntary supervision with a psychologist under my belt. I've stuck my toe into #transparency the last year and a half. Time to put my superpowers to work. I have special skills, I've spent years practicing, why not see what I can really do?

Besides, I'm cutting edge now, if popular mental health culture change has its way. This is a pretty cool article.
I Am A Narcissist. That's A Good Thing.

My kryptonite gets home in about 3 hours, I've got time for a short nap and some chores. Need to keep this day moving.

Thorns II

click for a fun travel article

*many years of thinks later*

I may owe some of you an apology. I need to do this before time slips away, if and when it ever does. I know a couple of people cheer that sort of thing on, demises and so forth, and I'm pretty sure at least one person somewhere out there has a little effigy of me stuck with pins, at the very least. You guys are the people I'm apologizing to.

I was raised under the belief that we must suffer in this life to win rewards in the next, or the afterlife, or whatever that is. Thanks to the parents who raised me, this belief was elevated to the art form of suffering for the sake of suffering without promise of any reward at all, although I'm sure they'd say that's not what they meant. My thinking became so efficient that I could even logically prove why this was a necessary ingredient in any kind of salvation of the soul, to go on against all the odds, to go on with no hope, because clinging to faith out of fear is the opposite of the love through thick and thin that we are supposed to be learning in this life. Begging the question of what love even actually is never came up in my family.

I learned by my thirties that the more I suffered in life, the more and faster I seemed to be learning things. Deep things. Things that floated over other people's heads. They could talk the talk, but they didn't live the life, as it were. As my eyes started to open I started seeing people all around me trapped in a duel existence, caught in an unending repetition of ups and downs, positives and negatives. Life is great, life sucks, I'm happy, I'm miserable, on and on without even realizing that they created the causes and effects of these ups and downs themselves.

Did I create my own sufferings? It was a tall order to grasp that I created much of my emotionally and physically crippling life. Not all of it was on me since children can't really override parents and get to better health care or make healthier emotional decisions a priority, but somewhere in all that flux, I became a powerful little person. I learned at a very young age how to manipulate my mom, how to outfox my dad, how to step up or step back when my siblings needed me, how to handle classmates. A few people who've known me nearly my entire life can testify I could be pretty mean in an ugly sarcastic kind of way that I mistook for being funny.

I'm not good at socially manipulating people, and I'm also not good at recognizing how I affect other people. Part of that is autism spectrum, but I'm not posing that as as excuse. I'm saying that I learned to use power because of it. My presence alone is powerful, and I know how to use it. I may bumble along, yes, and I may look like a ragamuffin without a clue, certainly, but I can go to each moment in my mind and find the pivots that changed every interaction, that forged every path. I can say someone had an impact on me, but I can also say I very definitely impacted other people. I seem to have a gift for noticing how causation works even if I don't have a clue how social skills really work. I can mimic those, but people who can use them naturally often don't seem to notice the ripples back and forth around them, and they are flummoxed.

There was a time when I knew of a few people who could do quite a lot of emotional and even physical damage to me if they knew where to find me. I could see no help for it, living blind and never knowing if pain and affliction could be around any corner. My child could be stolen, my house set on fire, my head torn apart with a bullet. These were very real fears in my life. I didn't know what to do about that until another person came into my life who presented the problem more metaphorically. I became a target in a weird popularity contest, I had to deal with fallout and consequences, and other people were afraid to give me enough information to make that stop. One person even told me they were afraid because that person could do hex spells or something. That made me stop and think on a whole different level.

I've spent a lifetime studying anything and everything relating to why we are here, what any of this means, and I concluded years ago that karmic justice, if there is such a thing, has to be about much more than an eye for an eye if it's to actually work. Karmic justice is about everything backfiring until we learn from our mistakes. It's not enough to learn to share what we feel or what we've learned- we must learn to share what we feel about what we've learned.

Karmic justice is very personal. If someone is targeting me, I cannot wish them harm back and beat the system or win the game. What we see on TV with all the shooting everyone up to get the bad guys isn't justice. Real justice is about the bad guys learning something. And basically, real karma is about embracing that we're all bad guys in the first place. We're all here on this planet to learn the same things in the end. There are some that create whirlwinds of havoc all around them while they walk in the calm eye of power, and then there are others who screw that power up just by walking into the room. Guess which person I wanna be.

If I have an enemy that wishes me harm and goes to the trouble to research where I am in order to hurt me, what I wish most for them is the loveliest distraction- a happy life. I hope their lives are so good that I'm not even a speck in their horizon. I wish them good food, loving family, loyal friends, great jobs, and all the awesome that goes with that. I realized along the way that when I pray for good for those who would do me wrong, I help my own life to be better. It took a long time, but I learned to stop wishing for death and woe on people I was afraid would do terrible things to me.

If I have an enemy that wishes me harm and goes to the trouble to spend hours haunting my web presence with their negativity and possibly even going to the trouble of uttering curses and doing mean things to inanimate objects in my name, what is it I wish for them? I had never thought of that before, and it kind of makes me laugh, but it's very real and I feel bad for them spending so much time, because basically my life has already sucked far worse than just about anything they could ever wish upon me. Of course, no one used to know this until I started publicly blogging. But seriously, what is it I wish? What do I pray for these people? After some reflection on myself as a presence, I decided I wish for them to learn all the wise things I have learned, and at the risk of being selfish, that would include suffering.

I grew up on the bible, and there are several bits in there about heaping coals of fire on other people's heads.

http://biblehub.com/proverbs/25-22.htm
http://biblehub.com/romans/12-20.htm

It's difficult to be pious without being arrogant when you look at it like that. Wishing other people good so God will find them in the wrong is what that boils down to. It would be more honest of me to simply be selfish and wish other people harm when they harm or intend to harm me, wouldn't it? Some would more eloquently point out that it means the cosmos gets the vengeance for us, just let go kind of thing. The honest would simply say we all get what's coming to us.

I have lived the sort of suffering that accelerates this learning curve, and if the meaning of life is about learning all this, then I suppose I should wish that enemies of my presence to also experience this accelerated learning. So, since God and the universe are much bigger than our tiny little specks of existence, I assume a prayer to That Presence to be far more powerful than another person making word combinations over a wrecked up doll, not because I have more power, but because That Presence does, and all I have to do is ask, given that it's within the parameters of what I am here to learn. Perhaps for anyone who could do me actual harm, as it were, since negativity is actual harm as much as anything, it would be pertinent for them to receive that same harm back to themselves so they can learn to understand why we are here in the first place. Like, perhaps I'll receive harm, but that should also be reflected back- what they create they also receive. They are, in effect, harming themselves. If I take damage, they take that damage as well. And so they may learn even faster, perhaps what they create to send out can be reflected back doubly.

I actually prayed for that protection. I prayed that to the most powerful being known to anything that's ever lived. I prayed that I keep learning and that my enemies learn as fast or faster than me.

I've never really shared this before. It seems a bit arrogant, as I'm writing it all down, but since it was between me and God, it was more a private pact. I must stand up to morality and positivity and confess it now if that is not to backfire upon myself, as well. I do not pray lightly. I have come much too far in this life to think I can get away with cheating.

So, in light of the #transparency I started on my last Pinky blog, in the event it really is my time to go (since I've had to abruptly face this week how close a shave this might still be), I feel like I owe some of you an apology. If you have wished me ill at any time, you have quite probably been through some challenges you didn't expect because of it. I do believe in One more powerful than us all, and I do believe this whole world experience is set up for karmic justice as part of a learning program (this goes back to my bluejacky days on xanga), and since I believe that, then I believe I must come clean and say that was my fault. If you felt your jaw clinch and your eyes burn reading that just now, then you know you also brought this upon yourself, and that if you try to wish more harm upon me, you'll be on the very edge of your own mortality. Because look where I am now, laughing on the side of a cliff, and you are holding my hand. I'm not saying you have the power to push me off a cliff (and I know that little thrill you just got thinking you could take me with you), but that maybe I'm the one holding you still on the cliff, because I prayed for you. Something to think about. Power goes both ways.

Thorns is an armor enchant that reflects damage back to the attacker.

life imitating art imitiating life

click for fun romp thru 'chronic illness demotivational posters'

Those crack me up, lol.

So I finally made it through the rest of the Patrick Melrose miniseries, by the last ep they stopped being so subtle about the idea that the elite of the world are dying out and their children are done with their head games as they have their own children and realize how awful the generation above them are. I've been going through the same revelations myself through my own years. I think they did a really good job with the show.

@bonenado is home with me this week because scary big stuffs, so we're off and on hitting the DVR in between other things. Slammed through the last of the 12 Monkeys, and I've decided I'm going to buy that series and slam marathon the entire series over again sometime. I don't waste my money on entertainment, so that's a big deal. I really don't have the time to sit and watch TV, so I'm barely keeping up, but HUMANS and The 100 are caught up.

The more actual medical documentation I find on Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, the more thankful I  am for the weird synchronicities in my life that led to me even bringing it up with a doctor, because one sentence not being said at the right moment could have changed this path entirely. One particular info document to doctors mentions that expected mortality for untreated RMSF can be as early as 8 days, and people can take months and years to recover from the rapid damage even on antibiotic. That 5 day window is critical to staying ahead of the level of damage that causes 'neurologic changes' among a long list of other very nasty things. I have purposely pulled back just in case something spirals out of control and I don't have any more time to deal with explanations, contacted key people about current activity changes, and now this is here for everyone else. I've been in low grade fever all week, started having the headaches yesterday (brain inflammation is a huge risk with my autoimmune history), and still having difficulty walking on the affected leg with the swollen knee. The fatigue is unreal.

As far as we can tell, onset was around June 11th, BUT IF the sudden blood pressure surge 2 weeks before was part of it, I could be about a month in, and that would mean the critical antibiotic window was missed. The doxycycline *will kill* the RMSF germ, yes, but I could already have damage that could still become life threatening, or at the very least, make the summer feel much longer and more arduous than my normal spoonie summer with allergies and temp changes from AC and heat. I was already living with nerve dysfunctions and arthritis, and both the RMSF and doxy can kick off an autoimmune flare at any time, if I'm not already in one. Treating could get tricky. Best I can do is rest rest rest.

Still on the game server every day. Sorry if I'm slow to see private messages coming in. I know I had a lot more to do online, and I still have plans galore I want to get to, but it's important right now to keep my positivity focused for better healing. In the old days I crawled through coding and tweaks on bad days. I may be getting back into that, and THAT, basically, is what built my web presence in the first place.

Myke, Barry, Sam, Riv, Sploit, Vicki, Lisa Marie, Holly, #Snarkalecs, Matt, Aaron and Mel, Dylan and Dawn, all the Scotts, Mike B and his bois including the boss, movie gang (my rock), moc, fandom friends, everyone who lurks me and I know you're there watching my blunders and boofs and picking back up again- I love you. If I go through another brain crash and it's a slow climb again, I'm putting this here so I'll remember Pinky Robot euphorias started with you guys showing #aspienado how to hang out without blowing up the webs.

I might be in for some deja vu here in a bit, lol

I've lately had the luxury of doing some comparison thinking, experimenting with projecting possibilities on my own brain and trying reactions on for size.

For example, after the things I've already lived through, the traumas and illnesses that have taken me down into shards that I've spent years cobbling back together, what would be more shocking to find out I must live through next, and whether there is a comparison at all between something like rocky mountain spotted fever vs something like cancer in any of its various stages.

I'm lucky. I accidentally discovered a tick, accidentally wound up at a doctor follow up for something else within a decent range of finding that tick, and quite accidentally wound up on immediate treatment for something I wouldn't have suspected in the slightest even though I was obviously being affected.

And then to find out up to 70% death rate before this particular antibiotic was invented, and in the short time up to morbidity, a very miserable slide into the depths of hell that include inflammation in the brain, along with capillary fail all over the body and particularly lungs and other organs being damaged along the way.

People finding out they are in the first stages of cancer would live longer than I would without treatment.

Given my health and genetic history and my age, I'm lucky I'm alive right now as it is. So far I'm not terribly sick, no. So far I'm not suffering horribly like I could be without treatment. I'm very blessed and very lucky. But this is nothing to blow off like it's a piece of cake. Yes, I'll be fine, but, as with any length of cold or flu, yes, I will be a bit worn out and apprehensive, and I think I deserve that appreciation of circumstance. I've been very thankful for the handful of people who have actually understood the weight of this new challenge. There is no cheating on this life test.

Several long time agos, a friend here or there fussed about not being told something after finding out, like their feelings were hurt not to be on some kind of contact list about something important. If I contact someone personally about something scary and feel blown off, I don't waste my time on my feelings over that. I simply pare down the list. Apart from that, all my stuff is public, and anyone can check on me at any time. I understand that all our plates are full and sometimes we can't deal. It's ok.

If you're checking in to see how I'm doing, though, thank you, I've been having chills for about 24 hours along with the usual pain of aching all over that comes with any germ warfare. My knee is bendier and easier to walk on now, but still a bit gooshy with fluid near the tick bite. MRI today will let my doctor know whether any real damage has been done. My understanding is that doxy, while an excellent treatment, can't work miracles against some of the damage that can happen very quickly. That I have to do on my own over time as I heal.

I keep asking why we chose this planet, it's so toxic out there... lol. Guess it's really pretty, though. Hope you guys are having a great week. 💖

how does this even all mix together

Started yesterday.

 😂 omg, got to this part of the vid and rolled, I was doing this crap back in the late 70s whenever I'd get ticked off at someone in high school.

And what made it even funnier was no one ever expected it was me. I did stuff all year long to so many people and never once got caught. I can't say what all I did yet, but this is one reason why I derailed all over that school, staff and students alike. Don't tell me I'm in a triple A school and make me watch a kid OD in a hallway after a teacher supplies him, one of many things not kept terribly secret, yet never coming up in question.

I'm still waiting on a test that'll say whether or not a tick bite next to my swollen knee is the cause of this problem I've had for the last week. Today I had to very strategically park within a few steps of a shuttle pick up, 'walk' a few steps to a desk to ask for wheelchair transport assistance across and up 3 floors of a very big building, that kind of stuff. I can barely walk at all. I've had bad knee problems, but never like this. The x-ray turned out fine, still hafta schedule an MRI. I can't think of a single thing I did that might've fried my knee out. It started clicking with every step one day, then swelled the next, then my entire leg went rigid, and of course then I had no control over balance without a very complex overcompensation maneuver with every step, and finally last night I just flat couldn't even sleep any more. I finally saw and removed a teensy seed tick near the swelling area, couldn't even tell it was a tick at all because such a little dot and nearly left it there. Didn't itch or anything. After I removed it the rigidity in my leg has eased up a bit, but my knee is feeling a bit destroyed after having to walk all over a clinic to lab and imaging and back and forth from the car. No shuttle or transport service at the clinic, as it were.

At any rate, I'm cautiously on doxycycline just in case. I already carry a positive marker for Lyme from when I was younger, but there are others so the doctor ordered a full tick panel.

6 Tick-Borne Diseases That Are on the Rise

Tick-Borne Diseases Are On The Rise. Which Ones Should You Watch Out For?

Moving on to another vid.

Now it's today.

Finally braced myself and watched the second ep of Patrick Melrose this afternoon and triggered so badly that I hated the whole world for a solid hour after it was over. I had to keep reminding myself I choose not to hate now. I couldn't believe how easily triggered I was by stuff in the show completely unrelated to my own experiences, but I think the common blaring point was how much I identified with being utterly alone with so many adults around who could not only see the truth of what was happening, but literally made it worse by pushing all the wrong buttons and then abandoning the circumstances any way they could. Avoidance, passive aggressive displaced blame, anger and lashing out on a child, and the undercurrent of fear if anyone started even attempting to talk about it. All that I know very well.

Personally, I learned at a much younger age that I couldn't trust ANY adults, because they were either all stupid about playing the head games or they were manipulating with their own agendas. To see the world that way from such a young age, to never actually feel safe and comfortable with people who were automatically understood to love me, to lay awake so often at night throughout my life simply just thinking about the actions we all go through compared to the words we say and the meanings those words are supposed to have...

Right now I smell hamburgers and french fries because I cooked them, and then I retreated away into my room while the others are eating. I haven't eaten a hamburger on a bun in nearly 4 years now, and I can't even remember how long it's been since I've had french fries, 6 or 7 years maybe. Sometimes it's hard being allergic, sometimes I don't care and it doesn't bother me. This year has seemed harder for some reason.

I'm trying not to feel negative and failing a bit this week. It's one thing to share information or compose thoughts about feelings, it another thing to dump and be toxic because that's a self pity mode. I think my swollen knee is wearing me down. I feel like I'm grinding around on it trying to keep up. The laundry and dishes are still caught up. The bathrooms are clean. I'm hiding in a corner on doxycycline hoping this isn't a real tick disease. Life has sucked enough being a lyme carrier for years.

I'm too tired to cry. Even if I'm not really sick with something, I feel so tired. I know a lot of people are having problems with the heat and humidity and too much rain or not enough rain, bugs and allergies, and that's not even getting into money problems and world junk grinding us all down. I know I wasn't feeling this glum until I watched that show today though. I wonder how many people really go through that kind of hell as kids. I can't help thinking what a dirty, rotten world we live in, and yet when you look around, it's so beautiful. Humanity is the saddest story in the universe, and yet we find ways through the sad and some of us huddle together for spare bits of happy floating around on the webs. I am so, so glad we don't live on a gross, ugly planet. Can you imagine how even more depressing that would be? Did you notice today that it's pretty out there? Maybe see pix float by on your devices? I feel like we're really lucky that we're on this world, even though so much of it seems like a drag on our souls.

Doxy gives me headaches, and that is definitely being a drag right now. It usually lets up a little after a couple hours. I'll be ok. I just hope I'm not a drag on anyone while I'm like this.

One thing I've noticed is that I definitely got past that doorway I was stuck in so long. And I look back at how real I was the entire time. I really was. I never once lost my way, my focus, my drive. And I can see it's all still here, and it makes me laugh to myself. I do feel good inside, I really do. All this stuff on the outside is just distraction bummer. On the inside...?

This is me. All I have to do is remember to look in once in awhile and see myself.