😂 omg, got to this part of the vid and rolled, I was doing this crap back in the late 70s whenever I'd get ticked off at someone in high school.
And what made it even funnier was no one ever expected it was me. I did stuff all year long to so many people and never once got caught. I can't say what all I did yet, but this is one reason why I derailed all over that school, staff and students alike. Don't tell me I'm in a triple A school and make me watch a kid OD in a hallway after a teacher supplies him, one of many things not kept terribly secret, yet never coming up in question.
I'm still waiting on a test that'll say whether or not a tick bite next to my swollen knee is the cause of this problem I've had for the last week. Today I had to very strategically park within a few steps of a shuttle pick up, 'walk' a few steps to a desk to ask for wheelchair transport assistance across and up 3 floors of a very big building, that kind of stuff. I can barely walk at all. I've had bad knee problems, but never like this. The x-ray turned out fine, still hafta schedule an MRI. I can't think of a single thing I did that might've fried my knee out. It started clicking with every step one day, then swelled the next, then my entire leg went rigid, and of course then I had no control over balance without a very complex overcompensation maneuver with every step, and finally last night I just flat couldn't even sleep any more. I finally saw and removed a teensy seed tick near the swelling area, couldn't even tell it was a tick at all because such a little dot and nearly left it there. Didn't itch or anything. After I removed it the rigidity in my leg has eased up a bit, but my knee is feeling a bit destroyed after having to walk all over a clinic to lab and imaging and back and forth from the car. No shuttle or transport service at the clinic, as it were.
At any rate, I'm cautiously on doxycycline just in case. I already carry a positive marker for Lyme from when I was younger, but there are others so the doctor ordered a full tick panel.
6 Tick-Borne Diseases That Are on the Rise
Tick-Borne Diseases Are On The Rise. Which Ones Should You Watch Out For?
Moving on to another vid.
Now it's today.
Finally braced myself and watched the second ep of Patrick Melrose this afternoon and triggered so badly that I hated the whole world for a solid hour after it was over. I had to keep reminding myself I choose not to hate now. I couldn't believe how easily triggered I was by stuff in the show completely unrelated to my own experiences, but I think the common blaring point was how much I identified with being utterly alone with so many adults around who could not only see the truth of what was happening, but literally made it worse by pushing all the wrong buttons and then abandoning the circumstances any way they could. Avoidance, passive aggressive displaced blame, anger and lashing out on a child, and the undercurrent of fear if anyone started even attempting to talk about it. All that I know very well.
Personally, I learned at a much younger age that I couldn't trust ANY adults, because they were either all stupid about playing the head games or they were manipulating with their own agendas. To see the world that way from such a young age, to never actually feel safe and comfortable with people who were automatically understood to love me, to lay awake so often at night throughout my life simply just thinking about the actions we all go through compared to the words we say and the meanings those words are supposed to have...
Right now I smell hamburgers and french fries because I cooked them, and then I retreated away into my room while the others are eating. I haven't eaten a hamburger on a bun in nearly 4 years now, and I can't even remember how long it's been since I've had french fries, 6 or 7 years maybe. Sometimes it's hard being allergic, sometimes I don't care and it doesn't bother me. This year has seemed harder for some reason.
I'm trying not to feel negative and failing a bit this week. It's one thing to share information or compose thoughts about feelings, it another thing to dump and be toxic because that's a self pity mode. I think my swollen knee is wearing me down. I feel like I'm grinding around on it trying to keep up. The laundry and dishes are still caught up. The bathrooms are clean. I'm hiding in a corner on doxycycline hoping this isn't a real tick disease. Life has sucked enough being a lyme carrier for years.
I'm too tired to cry. Even if I'm not really sick with something, I feel so tired. I know a lot of people are having problems with the heat and humidity and too much rain or not enough rain, bugs and allergies, and that's not even getting into money problems and world junk grinding us all down. I know I wasn't feeling this glum until I watched that show today though. I wonder how many people really go through that kind of hell as kids. I can't help thinking what a dirty, rotten world we live in, and yet when you look around, it's so beautiful. Humanity is the saddest story in the universe, and yet we find ways through the sad and some of us huddle together for spare bits of happy floating around on the webs. I am so, so glad we don't live on a gross, ugly planet. Can you imagine how even more depressing that would be? Did you notice today that it's pretty out there? Maybe see pix float by on your devices? I feel like we're really lucky that we're on this world, even though so much of it seems like a drag on our souls.
Doxy gives me headaches, and that is definitely being a drag right now. It usually lets up a little after a couple hours. I'll be ok. I just hope I'm not a drag on anyone while I'm like this.
One thing I've noticed is that I definitely got past that doorway I was stuck in so long. And I look back at how real I was the entire time. I really was. I never once lost my way, my focus, my drive. And I can see it's all still here, and it makes me laugh to myself. I do feel good inside, I really do. All this stuff on the outside is just distraction bummer. On the inside...?
This is me. All I have to do is remember to look in once in awhile and see myself.
