I had occasion to log into my instagram today, I'm terrible to ever go there. While I was waiting for something, I popped open the only 8 pics I have there one by one, and ended with this one. And then I got to wondering what was going on that day, so I checked with Pinky blog. Suddenly these last two years feel like they've flown by me, even though they've felt very grindy and slow along the way.
Great tech talk today on the phone. That originally started even longer ago, and here we are on the brink of actually doing what we wished we could years ago. Considering I could barely talk tech on a phone 6 years ago, my brain is screaming HUZZAH!!!!!
I'm living so many different lives. I have a rabbit running around my house now and juggling so much stuff, I just never dreamed I'd get this far. I'm thriving in game, I'm holding my own on projects (albeit a little behind, but when am I ever not?), I'm dealing with my stuff and not killing people any more (metaphorically), and I'm actually keeping up with life better than I used to even with all this other stuff going.
I caught myself switching just before the end of May. I know I switch so I can deal, I've always known it, but I actually caught a switch sliding in and out taking over for a few minutes that felt like I remembered all the things, and it was like our eyes met briefly on the slide out, and then I was just going along again not exactly knowing what it was that I knew for a few seconds. I'm pretty sure I was able to catch that because I finally broke through with the #we post scheduling this spring.
I know, right. You can imagine all you want, but it's actually a bit jolting to realize you are looking into your own eyes like that, and it happened so quickly I barely had time to latch onto it enough to remember it.
This weekend as I was going through a big sack of old things, I ran across a copy of a very old note I wrote to a friend around this time of year many years ago, and it captured the sad so well. If I had run into that note first before I made Pinky blog, I might never have made it back out here and no one would have heard from me again. I realize now how pathetically blind I always was and why my psychologist said my narcissism was a cushion against suicide.
I was told "You know where to find me." I wound up repeating that back years later without even realizing it. I looked everywhere, and I didn't know. Years later I have looked everywhere and found myself.
I know now why I am sad, and why I still look everywhere.
I see my psychologist tomorrow. It's been a couple of months.
