-Continuation from blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Thursday, August 30, 2018

8 days out from surgery


I guess I can share what's going on. I must have lost a little more blood than I thought, just realized I bruised clear down to my ankle. That is probably why I'm so tired. Ive been commanded to keep ankle above head so the fluids can clear out faster. Once the swelling goes down, a lot of the pain should ease up.



My hand is looking really good. It was black the first day. Still a challenge using a pen for the briefest of notes or controlling a mouse for more than a few seconds. Stitches come out next Tuesday.




I didn't plan this out as well as I thought

Started this yesterday morning.

I think I have finally found my balance. I need half a vicoprofen every 6 hours to control the pain without triggering the mood swings.

People who wonder why depression or bipolar or whatever is so hard, that's basically it right there. Anything that changes brain chemicals up and down are like rough ocean waves hitting a beach during a little bit of wind coming up, affecting everything in our lives, especially the people around us. It's difficult to think logically like that, and very difficult not to feel like the universe is against us and other people are to blame for relationships going off kilter. Once whatever med in the mix can smooth out, the ocean is smooth again.

Anyway, my mood has improved, thank goodness, and now I can get on with focusing on getting some stuff done. It's been a long summer, hardest part is hopefully behind me now, and it's time to think about getting back to work.

In the meantime I'm enjoying the #7dayphotochallenge on twitter (also posting it to facebook) and I'm thinking why stop at 7, you know? I might just continue it the rest of the year.

12 hours later.

Power point-

  • I am this close to metaphorically stabbing an ice pick through someone's eye for no other reason than an eyesicle kabob sounds like a fun new toy.
  • Aging ADHD in a spouse isn't going to be easy.
  • I'm all for neurodiversity, but I feel a crazy laugh coming on every time I visualize blasting my people in the face with a LOOKER gun to calm the house down a bit. {L.O.O.K.E.R. (Light Ocular-Oriented Kinetic Emotive Responses) gun, a light pulse device that gives the illusion of invisibility by instantly mesmerizing its victims into losing all sense of time}
By the way, that vico 'balance' wasn't good for driving today, even though I let a dose wear off before I drove in for physical therapy. I actually fell asleep for a couple moments at a stop light on the way home. I've never done that before in my life. o_o

Another 12 hours later.

First thing I woke up to was a reply to a comment I made about allergies on a video about humans being alien migrants, because so many of us have allergies, that kind of explains it, right? (Tell me you guys understand I'm not an idiot and I'm making pleasant convo while I keep a foot on either side of that fence.) The reply today- "allergies are a symptom of a dysfunctional immune system proper diet eliminates this issue as well as supplementing with algae & vit C"

*facepalm*

I mean, you get that is tongue in cheek commentary, right? I mean, I hope people reading this right now actually understand that I don't take what I say that seriously. I'm having a really hard time this morning with other brains being nothing more than regurgitating tape recorders following prompts to spout information whenever they bump into a trigger word. Like, seriously, did you not get that it's not about the allergies... It begs the whole question of did you not notice that the insinuation was that we wouldn't be having these immune reactions in the first place if we hadn't gotten off on this planet???

Moving on. Game server. I guarantee this person is going to cry about losing that pet when something happens to it, and they won't have any proof they even owned it.


So basically 'screen him rn' means not following the guideline. Can't tell you how many things I deal with daily that could be solved very easily and quickly by players reading a few help items widely available in the game on information walls and in player handbooks.

If you are thinking she hasn't had that pain pill yet, *bing* you win a prize!

I was not this crabby after the gallbladder removal. I feel like my brain changed this last go round.

And we're getting thunder again. I give up. I'm going to lay here with my leg up on the wall and stare at the ceiling.



Wednesday, August 29, 2018

tuna wars



Different people are really good at different things. What one person is really good at, another person might not be, but they might be really good at something the first person is not, so it all kind of evens out.

Sometimes you wind up with two people in one house who are really good at things opposite of each other. For the most part, this works really well until it goes out of balance. Like when one of the people thinks they are better at the thing they suck at. Maybe like meal planning.

This is about a person who doesn't know how to plan ahead when it comes to meals. If that person isn't hungry at that moment, absolutely no thought is put into what if hunger shows up later.

That's where I come in, being really good at everything food. I've head cooked in a 450+ seater establishment. That takes unbelievable coordination and planning. That's only one of my food qualifications in a childhood of processing organically grown food and a lifetime of food prep in a dazzling array of circumstances.

For instance, while I'm recovering from a double surgery, I know I can get the nutrients I need for a week from a dozen eggs, a half gallon of milk, a block of cheese, a bag of potatoes, a head of broccoli, a cup of dry rice, you get the gist. I'm very good at simple, filling nutrition in a pinch. I easily turned some of that into a rice pilaf, a tossed potato salad with green beans, a protein shake, etc. I did this with minimal effort and easy clean up since it was for one person. It's the best way I know how to lighten the burden of caretaking on others since I'm allergic to so many things and cross contamination is a very scary thing in pre-prepared meals.

I told my family while I'm recovering during the first week, their job is to feed themselves. They are to use plasticware, paper plates, disposable cups, take out, whatever it takes to keep the kitchen clean. Keep it easy.

That sounds like a good plan, doesn't it? It's not hard to grab a Wendy's salad or a takeout pizza, right? How easy is it to buy a frozen dinner or bring home Chinese?

So I'm hobbling on a swollen knee with a high pain level, one of my hands completely useless, and one night- they cooked. ??? Um, hello? Pots and pans? Guess who washed those....

So tonight I fixed my own food and settled in, a person arrived home from work without any takeout, and said they didn't feel hungry yet, maybe open tuna later.

Context- I had offered a tuna melt once a week all summer and was turned down every single time. The one week I ask to keep it simple and easy, they want to drag out a tuna mess. This is a person who leaves dishes around and never, ever actually washes a dish.

I am really good at being a servant in my house. I'm super good at spoiling someone on a regular basis because I'm a really good cook. I'm so good at handling all the work this involves that consideration for my one wish to keep my kitchen clean on a week that sucks for me was airily dismissed with Meh, i wasn't hungry while i was driving past easy, ill drag out a mess later that wasnt good enough the rest of the summer. Because, of course, I'm good at making it look easy.

I'm beginning to understand why older women seem angry all the time.

I'm really good at thinking ahead about other people's needs and discomfort in given situations. He's really good at keeping bills paid on time. I know it all evens out, but when its his turn to hobble on a week off, I'll bet he won't feel like eating tuna. Or more, making it himself.

I didn't ask anyone to feed me or clean up after me this week, just themselves.

I'm suddenly in the mood to make a tuna casserole on Thanksgiving.

Some of you might be thinking how ironic this is, given my tuna history on twitter.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

burnination

click for mo creatures web page
That was my morning, standing around a chicken pen being available in chat. I should have stayed there. Later on I lost everything in my inventory when I fell out of the world because I am too strung out on a quarter chip of vicoden and too fumble fingered with these stitches in my hand to handle a moderator command switch. Oh, well.

And later I was empathizing with someone and this actually happened. It's real, and FB gifs knows it. Not a conspiracy. All I did was copy part of their own phrase into gifs and there you go.


I'm still very crabby and just staying away from as many people as possible. My crabbiness is PAIN and MEDICATION related. Nothing personal. And I will eat your head. 🐲

That's supposed to be a dragon. Not a cute dragon.

More like this. I dunno where it's from any more, it's been in my slideshow wallpapers forever.


#transparency Ok, some stuff is personal, but only on a need to know basis. Pretty sure much of my funk is being able to adequately communicate where and when I need it most. Maybe I need a bigger 'knock, please' sign on my door... The whole pulling back into my corner to stop the carnage thing is going over some heads.




Monday, August 27, 2018

suspend and float

click for article
I finally made it back to my email and waded through deleting several hundred over the last month. Stuff due, things changing, new info, and the world keeps turning.

I am doing exceptionally well in physical therapy so far because I'm already so familiar. I am already doing much of the core, nerve gloss, and muscle stretching/control, but as we are adding more that I still hadn't seen before in all these years, I obviously still have fine motor difficulties with the leg that wasn't even involved in the surgery. The challenge to match the 'fine' leg up with the operated leg was interesting enough to prompt a story share, and my therapist today got goosebumps hearing about my accident.

I shouldn't even be here.

Back to stuffs. Since I am here and swimming around in my email, changing a host renewal to manual so it can expire, rolling my eyes and unsubscribing from the Mayo Clinic Diet list *aggressive doesn't even come close*, mentally marking the protection changeover notice from Geek Squad with ohyeahbettergetonthat, wondering how I missed so many other people's blog updates, dismissing the medical opinion surveys and auto payment notices, back to my sentence- apparently I'm being contacted by more author sales than I had a clue, and I can even already apply for special book signing events.

>.<  K, I just need to do this, please bear with me a sec.

WHAT THE BOINK IS EVEN GOING ON???

Ok, better.

And back to my moment. I'm worn out.

I've been listening to all kinds of wonderfully distracting stuff while I'm down, and I suggest to those who worry about my state of opinion/belief/mental health to just chillax and let this wash over like entertainment. 😁 I mean, we watch fiction spy and scifi, right? Why not suspend and float into alt timeline scenarios? Because if this is fiction, it's really good. And if it's real, omg. To be clear, I've watched Abraham Lincoln fighting zombies on TV, so what the hell, right? Why would this be any more objectionable?

Quick intro- This is someone very skillfully smashing #allthethings into a 90 minute lecture and someone else possibly bootlegging it. That alone was worth my time. If you like UFOs, espionage, American history, and general weird scifi, this is captivating and I really hope it becomes a series of movies.

David Wilcock lecture-"Revealing The Five Alliance Groups" Part 1- Contact In The Desert-6/03/2018
https://youtu.be/g_3hoKl7_Vc

David Wilcock lecture-"Revealing The Five Alliance Groups" Part 2- Contact In The Desert - 6/03/2018
https://youtu.be/6tXkgMDjRg0

David Wilcock lecture-"Revealing The Five Alliance Groups" Part 3- Contact In The Desert-6/03/2018
https://youtu.be/U1Rq9hGXdVE

David Wilcock lecture-"Revealing The Five Alliance Groups" Part 4 -Contact In The Desert-6/03/2018
https://youtu.be/cI3mMUvH5zk

David Wilcock lecture- "Revealing The Five Alliance Groups" Part 5 -Contact In The Desert-6/03/2018
https://youtu.be/4dZmGrw220s

~time passed~

Apologies if I'm hit and miss with anyone but I'm pretty fried out. I'll get my stuff sorted out, might be a few extra days.


Sunday, August 26, 2018

it's all a lie

Worst day ever. I hate everyone, I'm dropping everything I touch, everything sucks. At least I got a shower without incident, but it took full concentrated focus.

~~~~~~~~

Later.

Even tiny doses of opioids make me mean when they wear off. I did 3 half pills spread out yesterday, just enough to get thru the hard parts, and today I was everything evil until I finally took another half.

Now my world is soft and warm and everything looks like a magazine life, and I know now it was the drug and not me. I love again. I'm at peace again.

I clearly cannot do this to my family. Next dose will have to be a quarter. I've got to dose down as quickly as I possibly can and still keep just enough warm fuzzy to get thru the hardest parts.

One of the red flags is how wasted I feel on so little. I used to live on handfuls of pills around the clock for years before research finally caught up with experience and agreed that just doesn't work.

The worst part of any pain syndrome is the addiction/withdrawal cycles. The hardest part of living spoonie is the crippling depression and self loathing that comes with watching myself be mean to people I love.

More incentive to get healthier.

And along the way I figured out how to solve my FB problem. You know how you can custom share? They suggest making custom share groups like for family, friends, close friends, etc. I tried making common interest groups for awhile. Nothing really works without some level of frustration. I decided today that's the wrong approach. If some of my people are topic, issue, or content sensitive, I can make custom share lists based on things like fun, thinky, mood, nerdy, etc. I think taking an extra step or two will make me easier to take for some. I mean, I handle people that way in real life, right?


Ouch.



subacute recovery


What the internet randomly says I can expect after carpal tunnel release surgery-
  • It is sensible to wait until your wound has healed to prevent your stitches from loosening and your wound opening. This usually takes 10-14 days. Most people are able to begin gentle driving approximately two weeks after their carpal tunnel surgery. I have a full driving schedule for physical therapy on my knee all this coming week and I live 20 miles out of town. My carpal surgeon was aware of this. What the heck is 'gentle driving'?
  • Most patients experience a full recovery from numbness in a day or two following surgery. Nerve damage takes longer to resolve. 6 months to one year after surgery is typically when recovery is considered complete and nerve damage has improved as much as is expected. Someone keeps telling me that a coworker was fine in 4 days flat, soz... Kinda not believing that one.
  • Paresthesias and scar tenderness are common in the subacute recovery phase following carpal tunnel release. A flare or aggravation of symptoms is common in the period of two to six weeks after surgery. Well, it hurts like hell 3rd day out, so yeah, kind of expecting that, but pretty sure my family will be expecting me to carry full work load the split second the stitches come out.
  • Driving (a couple of days after surgery) Yeah, the other hand, I imagine, because this random answer came out of the blue.
  • Writing (after a week, but expect 4-6 weeks before it feels easier.) I can barely pick up and maneuver a pen for one word atm, but srsly, 4-6 weeks??
  • Pulling, gripping, and pinching (6-8 weeks out, but only lightly.) Totally believe this, barely even tugging on a sock felt like pain shocks from a cattle prod. I was very strongly commanded not to do ANY pulling or lifting until the stitches come out 2 weeks out from surgery. Guess they've seen a few rip open.
  • Expect 10-12 weeks before your full strength returns, or up to a year in more severe cases. Define 'full strength'. Wow, nearly 3 months? Just how bad off were you?
  • After surgery, you will be discharged home in a wrist splint and a bulky dressing. The dressing may be removed 3 to 4 days after surgery, but you should continue wearing the splint provided for approximately 6 weeks. K, where in the world are they getting this splint stuff, I never got a splint.
  • Carpal tunnel syndrome cannot be cured, but surgery to alleviate symptoms can be successful. The success rate of surgery to relieve symptoms depends on the definition of “success” and the metrics applied. For example, with respect to alleviation of symptoms, up to 90% success is reported. Was cautioned that I'm in the category for only 50% recovery because I've had nerve damage for so long. I keep hearing about the coworker that was apparently fine in 4 days. Must be nice. Tomorrow is my fourth day and I can still barely move a mouse.
Carpal Tunnel Release: What to Expect at Home
This one made more sense.

K, enough of that. If this all works out well, I might do left knee and left wrist on the same day down the road if I'm having unresolvable problems in future. It's been really convenient getting it done all at once on the right side, and left will probably be less difficult since it's not my dominant side.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Next day.

Remember the old days when people would tell me what my public feed was allowed to have in it? Like beliefs and perceived intelligence level and so forth. I've plateaued again with a whole new even bigger mix of people and one subset is consistently baffled, so I've either got to leave that subset out of future shares or find a way to incorporate them without the culture shock of other people in the world being allowed to think differently. That's a lot of work.

Meanwhile, a player on game is determined to bend the laws of gamer physics around sheer will and I am patiently standing around while they figure something out and don't realize they left the game ages ago...

If I seem a little testy, I'm still in acute injury level of inflicted healing with med intolerance challenges and I am underwhelmed with the laughable cooperation understanding we barely have in my house. Too many agendas, too little personal space. I'm also coming to loathe rabbits in the house.

I'm clearly in a bad mood and there's not much I can currently do about it, so see ya.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

the brilliance of the construct- "The biggest obstacle to establishing the one world government is the rapid political awakening of the masses."

"You DARE bribe Santa?! I'm gonna shove coal so far up your stocking, you'll be coughing up diamonds!"
―Robot Santa Claus
pic clicks to Futurama's Robot Santa wiki


4 months till Christmas.

My hand hurts. My knee is fine. My hand is all like You know those TV shows where people slice the palm of their hand with a big knife to prove something, well that's all big lie now that I know exactly what that crap feels like. My knee is humming and looking at its watch and asking when we can go jogging.

So far the only thing I can do with my right hand is type. I cannot hold my cup of coffee, turn a doorknob, pull the fridge or oven open, work a remote, or the crucial wipe my own butt with my dominant hand. Lefty will hold a coffee cup and turn a doorknob and open the fridge, even work a remote, but it says ohHELLno to the crucial.

I'm feeling very cranky. Opioid kisses only make it worse. I think I'm going to hide out in my room today and listen to David talk. I just linked his official channel, but I'm actually catching the bootleg uploads on the fly. I'm still fussed that no one has made a bad lip reading or fan video homage to this guy, because even though I'm a solid fan, that would just be so cute.

The whole Matrix movement isn't new. The en masse brain training has been going on for decades. Christmas is the perfect picture of how controlled we all are with consumerism and entertainment. Apathy and willful ignorance, guys. What is the agenda? What are we waking up from? "When there is no reaction, they take that as a mandate to pursue their particular agenda."






Friday, August 24, 2018

down time

click for South Korean memes

My biggest mistake is opening the fridge door with the surgery hand. +_+

click to get lost in pinterest

I tried a little singleplayer last night, it hurt. Not back on game yet.

click for surgeon skin in minecraft

Caught up on The 100 yesterday, 3 left for Killjoys, probably watch that today.

click for a Canadian TV blog

Got my Halloween wallpapers on a slideshow screensaver. This was on Google chrome search for 'Halloween bats wallpaper'. I tried several variations and got a few really good ones.


Decided to custom order Christmas cards this year because cheaper than the store. I think I'm done looking around for pix right now.






Thursday, August 23, 2018

I think I just need a better chair

click for a cute blog post about writing

I was told during a soliciting phone call today that the referrer did research on me and put me on a list. I'm easy to do research on, but I wanted to know how they got my phone number... Still blaming FB for that slip up.

I couldn't actually read that one without exploding my brain right now.

So this publisher is originally licensed in Wyoming, offices are in Delaware, packaging assembly something to do with being located in London, and the call center is in the Phillipines. By the time the pitch was over, the caller literally complained that the call took 30 minutes. Well, I was the one who called back after a voice mail was left, so...

clicks to cute memes

I just wanted to see why publishers are suddenly soliciting me over the phone again. Yes, it's a huge market looking for international content, and I totally qualify. It's just that I was told by the company that I already contracted with that they never solicit.

more memes...

She also kept mentioning how soft my voice was. I finally told her I'm recovering from airway during surgery only yesterday. Did that stop the pitch at all? Nope.

one day..

So I'm in demand. She didn't have a clue what I actually DO, but she assured me I'm very marketable.


curious about the sales pitches

Stuff.


Bout fried my phone on this next one hiding the glow under the covers and falling asleep. The upload is viral. I wrote a tweet and a FB status about it earlier, and I pinned it. Is it coincidence it came out the day after the anniversary being talked about in the above video?


My hand hurts like hell, but my typing is already getting better. Also, my throat really hurts to swallow and I finally looked in there and found a small area that looks weird, wondering if I got a small sore or scratch when I swallowed the little airway hose under anesthesia.

Why Does My Throat Hurt After Surgery?

So I got back up out of bed after sleeping an hour and a half and I'm eating Italian nachos so I can get vicoprofen down. For my hand, not my throat. The hand thing is an ongoing problem from the last Pinky blog, if you're new.

Proof that FB is uber intrustive. The other day I bounced on a post from a publisher and next thing you know they are calling my cell phone. I don't put my cell phone out for view, even for friends, and I didn't friend that publisher page. I checked my settings, and sure enough, my phone number was viewable by friends, so I had to reset that to only me. Check your privacy settings, guys. They had another big update rollout, so just check everything. Also, really creepy that a nonfriend was able to hack that and then leave a recording on my phone. Once is bad enough, but still another publisher calling and leaving a message out of the blue within that time frame, and both of these repeat calling really ticked me off. Real publishers don't solicit by phone. Don't worry, I didn't pick up.

So the blocking begins. Again. I wanted to report for harrassment, but FB doesn't allow me to describe what happened, so how would they even know it's going on outside of FB?

Bunny got a cast change on the same day in the same building at the same time as my carpal tunnel surgery. I thought that was cool. 😎


My knee still doesn't hurt. I had to rewrap the compression bandage, definitely swollen and apparently a bit bloody under all that cotton wrap, but I keep it up a lot and use a cane 90% of the time so I'm doing ok. I have felt it squish in there a couple of times, kinda slide a couple more, and click a few times, no pain at all with any of it, even though the pictures the surgeon gave me look pretty impressive.

The best part is the vicoprofen. I hadn't had hydrocodone in any form since 2014 until my gall bladder removal last fall, and that was overwhelming because I'm like a permanent protracted withdrawal person, clenched muscles and mild hallucinations when I have to take it nowadays because I was on low dose vicodin for nearly 30 years. Today has been lovely, though. I asked for a lower dose since I tolerate pain so well, and I'm feeling wrapped in beautiful fuzzy blanket kind of love. Going to suck stopping it again, so I'm already alternating breaking pills in half. So far I'm needing every 4 hours on the dot for the hand pain, but dang it, I keep forgetting and automatically doing stuff. Every little grasp and tug is horrible and barely functioning, or like using that hand for leverage getting into bed earlier, yowza that sucked.

I spent pre surgery eating plenty of vegetables, alternating salads with cabbage soup, pan roasted brussels sprouts, microwaved sweet potato, crockpot corn on the cob, and I'm focusing on more proteins and yogurt while I'm healing. They gave me precautionary ancef (cephalasporin antibiotic) in my IV during sugery. Also got decadron (corticosteroid, precautionary for inflammation, allergic reactions, and edema), fentanyl (narcotic), lactated ringers (aggressive fluid replacement during fluid and blood loss), lidocaine (numbing agent), midazolam (benzo that induces drowsiness and acts like a roofie so you don't remember), zophran (for nausea, I'm a documented puker during and after surgeries), phenylephrine (antihistamine, also raises blood pressure), and propofol (" a short-acting medication that results in a decreased level of consciousness and lack of memory for events").

And that was on top of a serious lack of coffee and calories, so the first 48 hours are my body cleaning all that out on top of serious healing from intrusion. I'm cautiously already following slow withdrawal guidelines on the vicoprofen. Part of the jolt for a lot of people recovering from surgery is not understanding the meds going on.

From Legend of the Seeker:

Sorry no click to merch, I think it was a short-lived flash sale.
The back has the wizards rules.

Wo, stood up to do something and I'm so wasted I barely made it across the room. Funny how sensitive I am now to small dose anything after decades of handfuls of meds that I spent over 2 years cleaning off of. I felt like I had a little tiny bug crawling in my shirt nipping me, usually a protracted benzo symptom for me, but turned out to be petechaie. Every time I have something done I get new ones. I have a petechia for every spinal tap I've had, stuff like that. Some of them never go away.

I had some super cool dreams this afternoon dozing off and on. Going to try some stuff on Mo Creatures (minecraft server) when I can log back on. I'm generally not a very creative builder, even though I have huge claims with builds on them. The stuff in my dreams was like TIME TO REMODEL. I'm very excited but really can't do that till I start the therapies.

I've gotta get back to bed while the pain level is back down. See ya.



Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Presurg stressing


Doing this on my phone because I put the laptop into storage till bandage comes off my wrist. Arrival time for double surgery tomorrow is 6 a.m., so I'm getting up at 4 to get that last hibiclens shower.

No coffee. +_+ Scott's life will be in danger. I'll be sweet all medicated up afterward.

I'm also already hungry just thinking that I can't eat in the morning. I rarely eat very early. It's the idea of it throwing my brain-to-stomach relay a curve ball.

I can't wait to see what it feels like to live without a half inch bone chip sliding around stabbing inside my knee in there. All these years. Oof. Wish I'd said something sooner.

K, I've fought with blogger on phone long enough, need YouTube so bad.



Thursday, August 16, 2018

not to 1055

click for more dog memes

One of those medical assessment posts for my glitchy memory.

Established with cardiology yesterday. I had a cardiologist a couple years before and after my radio ablation for SVT back in 2000, but insurance changes flipped me to another network, and I'm just now establishing again after the May hospitalization for uncontrollable blood pressure breakout. I am fabulous right now, so I don't have to go back until next year, but at least now I have direct call waiting and email to specialist if I need one. I think my primary is relieved.

Ramping slowly back up to 300mg 3x a day on the gabapentin per neurologist, again. This is the third time I'm trying. First time (winter 2017) went up too fast and turned into lethargic zombie. Second time (May 2018) coincided with amlodipine and got significant leg swelling, plus the amlodipine wrecked my diabetes. This time it's slow and the only med being changed. So far I'm sleeping better and getting up easier, no weight gain or fluid retention that I can tell. Being commanded to watch blood pressure after stopping amlodipine, have been able to solidly correlate pain level to blood pressure since I also ramped down the gabapentin and now ramping back up. It's one thing to say pain causes high blood pressure, it's another to actually see it on paper. Clearly I need to stay on pain management, now that I'm below the 140/90 target again. I'm still on toprol, of course, but my pain levels easily override control when I try to tough things out and power through, like I was brought up to do through my childhood. Looking back, I can see that powering through probably set me back through much of my adult life, as I gritted my teeth and held on through college and jobs and trying to be a good parent for kids in school. The band president year was pretty rough. I loved it, though, and I don't regret it. Stuff like that. But yeah, I fought hard to stay as normal as possible in between month or year long stretches of complete disability and severe immobility.

Also, the stenosis in my neck is bad enough now that even slightly turning my head either direction sends shooting pains down shoulders (so fun in traffic!), and if there is really less wiggle room in there, maybe it's time to move past chiropractor. It was a lifesaver over the last decade as I was going through core strength in physical therapy, but all that is stabilized now and I rarely need adjustments any more. I knew this would be part of Plan C, moving on to the meds.

Can Neck Manipulation Relieve Spinal Stenosis?

I'll still need ASTYM maintenance or I'll freeze up solid, but you can't ASTYM a nerve trunk, lol. The thought made me giggle. There's a special kind of humor in pain lifestyle.


There is also irony, like slamming through a week long tweetfest one week before carpal tunnel surgery. 😂 I have really been enjoying #SharknadoWeek on Syfy, but barely able to hang onto anything because of it, like flipping a spoonful of yogurt on my good blouse, casually tossing my phone into a wet sink, I won't even bring up keys. Too late. But yeah, it's crucial to always close the toilet around a person like me in the house. Anything could go anywhere at any time if my hands even pretend to touch something. You'd laugh if you could see how klutzy I am trying to moderate on a game server. Just trying to type a short command under pressure is hilarious when the player has one of those long names spelled weird with caps and dashes and extra x's sprinkled around.

Let's see, what else. Allergies are so bad right now that I've tripled my zyrtec and benadryl, ears feel like I'm underwater or flying 20K feet, throat is on fire and sore to swallow. I'm mostly fine inside my house. We have 3 hepas now and I'm so stringent on laundry coming in that most of it stops at the door, but even just driving into town in a climate controlled car with air filters has me swimming in snot. I was chunking more antihistamines in traffic yesterday only 15 minutes from my house. Between all the mowing and the rains and wind now in a high humidity region, I am breathing particulate soup everywhere I go.

Is this boring? I feel boring. No one ever talks about the conspiracy scenes in Sherlock. Oh, yeah, the fan theories, but you know, like the background scenes and stuff... Here, lemme distract you from that before you actually think or something.

The Cases Are Fake: A Theory That Totally Changes Sherlock


Except that all falls apart in season four, when we find out it wasn't Mycroft...



Ok, I'll give you a nibble. Like the clock scene when Moriarty is giving the raspberry in the air sending a text off to Mycroft. The time is 10:55. Check this out, from What are police codes? What is the meaning of the police code 1055?

10–55 means “dead person” or “coroners case.” This would be the ten code used on a police radio when an officer arrives on the scene and finds something dead. Although the code is meant to describe dead people it is often used to describe other dead things like a dead car battery, a dead radio, or dead animal.


Yeah, I know that's a stretch because that's a U.S. code, but still fun to think about. I could make a whole list, though. I still say the filming was brilliant, whether it was purposeful or not.

And because I free associate right off the page, I wound up here

The Kiss of Judice: The Constitution Betrayed - A Coroner's Inquest and Report, Vol.1

Great, now I need another video so I can escape.


Saturday, August 11, 2018

long before I ever heard of the law of one

This playing card is from the the board game
24: Countdown
which I have in my house
In 2008 I struggled with who I feel like I'm supposed to be being. I struggled with my belief system and what I inherently feel is right. I struggled to express myself against a mainstream grain that had me rigidly locked into formation to the point of self destruction. I struggled for my life, my soul, my sanity in a world full of locked rooms, rules about keeping secrets, and masks we were all supposed to be wearing. Colors suddenly seemed very important to me, and it was crucial that I find my color. I kept remembering blue, it permeated my dreams throughout my life, and I could feel it was time to migrate somehow.







Always dreaming, never sleeping, kind of seeming I'm ok,
Touching no one, having no fun, wishing to go out and play.

Hear me whisper, feel me passing, wonder what they think of me,
See me fading, I'm just shadows, tasting only what is free.

No commitment, no surrender, nothing to pretend to hide,
Live forever, slowly dying, falling out of either side.

Keep me running, flying nowhere, prancing round a misty dawn,
Racing stillness, moonlight standing, floating wreaths of breathy prawn.

Nothing matters, worldly guessing, logic hopeless reason chance,
Sculpted meaning, mindless treasure, my place is to sing and dance.




Ever since that spring I've felt like if I don't say what I'm supposed to say, what I'm here to say, I will fail. This is one of the first really honest pieces I ever wrote for public. Bluejacky (originally on xanga) is here to be honest. Going back now and rereading this after running into the Law of One is blowing me away. (That is a simplistic link for easy condensed thought, nothing else.)

(I'm struggling with the format moving this over from original since the coding went through a webkit grinder during server move years ago, and blogger won't let me preview correctly, so I'm winging this. I got it wrestled into a box on the laptop, no telling how it will look on mobile.)


Stars on a blue spectrum are moving toward us. Ever since I was born I have been fascinated by this kind of blue, blue light, blue in nature. I even wanted to be blue. Blue skin, blue hair. I sometimes dream in vivid blue.

Sometimes I feel like I have memories of something other than here as I am now. I have tried reading a few new age books and am a little disappointed at the consistent romanticism, although I long ago reached the conclusion in my childhood without anyone telling me this, that we are here to learn, and that if we fail to learn while we have the chance we get 'stuck' or something. Getting stuck is far worse suffering than any suffering we go through learning to sacrifice ourselves for love. Respect and courtesy for others in any shape or form is more important than any ideas we get in our heads that drive us apart with disdain and violence. Appreciation and contentment are more important than acquisition and pride. Truth is good, forgiveness is better. Our learning boils down to whether we pick being selfish or being selfless. Will we destroy others, or will we become wise and puzzle a way to get along?

If it is true that we travel around this universe (and others?) in all kinds of bodies while our spirits learn and grow wise, then I know I have been other places than here.

Time and distance have no meaning outside this box that contains time and distance.

As a child I looked up at the night sky and knew I came from out there. I felt this long before I ever encountered the idea. I feel like this place now, although I like it very much, is a place I am visiting. This feeling is congruent with many beliefs, including Christianity, Buddhism, and atheism.

When I first was, I was joy. I was energy- glorious, thrilling, exhilarating energy. I knew nothing else. I swam in an endless world of joyful energy, all of us bouncing and rebounding, racing, feeling nothing but joy.

That is what being alive starts out as, I am sure of it. I feel like I remember it. It's a very old memory, one I cherish, one I miss sometimes, without really knowing this or understanding it. But I want to feel that joy again. I want to feel that exhilaration and energy and swim in a sea of joy.

Was that the big bang? Was that the beginning of this universe? Will I ever know?

Over a great deal of time, I feel I became aware of a little bit going on around me. This is me, that is not me. I bump into that. That is what being alive starts teaching us. We are not alone. We interact. And over a great deal of time, we learn that we affect one another.

We start simply. Photons? Were we light? They say we come from the stars, but I'm sure that assumes our bodies are made of the elements created in the stars. What about our spirits, who we are? Is there more than this body? I feel like there is way, way more.

Over another great deal of time we learn concepts. Survive. Work to survive. Cooperate to survive. Absorb to survive. Kill to survive. Rocks don't do this. Algae, viruses, cells, organisms. Are cells self aware in some tiny way? Is that how a universe of cells in a body can communicate and cooperate so quickly? Can we become more than knee-jerk reaction, more than mindless consumption?

Over another great deal of time we learn feelings and the actions they inspire. Loyalty. Protect. Help. Give. Die to insure the survival of the whole. We become a society, aware of others. Tiny birds do this. Some insects do this. Some plants do this. Basic training for everything from the least of these to higher organisms like dogs and people.

Over more time we learn emotional pain. Loss. Anguish. The absence of others. The idea that we cherished others. The need for others. To learn from. To love. To share joy with.

And over more time we learn the strength to withstand all of this, to grow into a new kind of joy that transcends time and place, and who we are. We learn to see it all, appreciate it all, and become- what?

What is next? Please tell me it's not some inert heaven or nirvana where we stop growing. I think we have that concept all wrong.

Perhaps this universe is preparing us for the next one. Or perhaps one day we'll be outside the cauldron of universe bubbles in an completely new way of being, seeing, and feeling.

I love being here. I love learning geology, cosmology, anthropology- the histories of everything I can see. I feel like I am so lucky to be living right now, in this time and place. At no other time in human history has so much information been accessible with my fingertips while I sit in a chair. At no other time has so much knowledge been amassed. We almost know the entire history of the earth, the sun, how long they'll last, the history of our galaxy, it's probable future, and we even now know how old the universe itself is, and so many of its secrets. We were blind like salamanders in a cave only a handful of years ago, and now we can see what seems like everything.

This will never come again in human history. If anything happens to this earth, all this knowledge will be lost. If anyone survives over the next several thousand, or even a few hundred years, what's left of knowledge will become myth and legend. It will be as if we never really existed.

Blue is much more than a color to me. It is something I once was, a state of being, information I don't know how to access, a strong feeling I'm not able to verbalize. Somehow it is part of who I am, and for some reason, it feels important. I realize this could just be a manifestation of my weird aspie brain. But I also wonder if my weird aspie brain is able to feel more than this box world we live in. I have a feeling many more people can feel more than they are able to understand or willing to admit.

Enjoy learning on this earth while we have time. Enjoy that we are all precious.







I've spent years living a double life, tearing my head apart in one direction while I soak up entertainment in another. I love to think. Over the years it's become almost stupidly obvious that entertainment is a brain training medium that seems designed to stultify the actual thought process. I brought up the movie Equilibrium in an old Autisable submission called Psyching Up – Becoming Liberated. I've made a lot of progress since 2011, but even back then my dichotomies were glowing like neon.

I think it’s really bothering him that I can so easily skate around morals and ethics in noncommittal ways. I have a few opinions, but I’ve already realized a long time ago that opinions can change and that having opinions doesn’t necessarily affect the reality around my life. In fact, I believe opinions are rather useless in most instances unless they directly relate to the way I behave toward other people, and we all know I tend to believe the person in front of me is more important than any opinions I might have. I think I’ve lost him somewhere in all that.

I can see now that he was holding space for me as I navigated my way through my jungle. I know now that I learned to dissociate, that I passive aggressively displaced blame, and that I didn't live what I instinctively feel inside is right. I spent many years pinging around in my head like a pinball, defending things I actually don't even believe in. I was trained to do that. All the same, it bothered me, and I felt compelled to sift down meaning before I lost myself in wasted time.


This spring and summer I've been catching up on David Wilcock's stuff. I had always liked all the people on Ancient Aliens and often picked up books some of them wrote, but I had never chased David around the webs. Until this year. Wow, I missed a lot all this time, probably the most and the best, but like all the other synchronicity I talk about, I probably wasn't ready for it yet. As I've been listening to several years of talks, I was very surprised to hear thoughts I'd previously had coming right out of his mouth. I've run into this before, where I think something and then run into it somewhere, and have written about how ideas seem to hit a lot of people all over the world around the same time, and I joke about how all I have to do is relax and wait for someone else to do all the work developing the ideas that I feel compulsed to get into, and it's amazing how many times that has happened. It's like I just think something, I'd like to know more about this or that, and pretty quick, I run into it all over the place. Weirdly, though, quite a lot more poured out of David that I've been thinking about for years and had never run into before, because I've honestly just never looked that hard. It's been exhilarating.

But another very surprising thing showed up in David's talks. He brought up the Cabal... I've been going deep on that for awhile now, shows up on posts going back a few years, figuring out how I fit into the world picture and why I might know more than some others, but then David connected a whole buncha dots putting logic together with spirituality in a world going down a political sinkhole, tossed in Corey Goode (so fitting that his website is down right now, everyone mentioning the Cabal is being ripped out of spacetime) and everything just lit up. The whole point to being here is on the line. Our long line of evolutionary development is right on the edge of tipping over because a few super wealthy people think they own the planet. I already knew millions have been suffering for decades (millennia) for the rich and their games, but I had no idea the portent of now.


I love Jack Bauer. I love Kiefer. I'm sad Kiefer is a tool, but I'm glad I saw his existence. In spite of fails, seeds were planted.

And this was my song when I needed it most during the hardest parts of my life.


Thursday, August 9, 2018

august

click pic if you'd like to download full size
A lot of people think stuff like that field across the road from my house looks messy. I think it looks beautiful. It's not exactly native prairie, but at least it's fairly indigenous nowadays since it's been neglected so long.

I finally wrapped my head around school shopping. I've decided that this year I need to fix up my bug out bag with a mobile med kit in one of those plastic pencil boxes (I'm always needing alcohol wipes and latex free bandaids or a nail clipper), a mobile post office (cards, stamps, address labels, birthday confetti, address book, colored pens), and possibly several other organized kits. It's silly being caught flatfooted so often. I thought about mailing out a birthday card to my sister 3 different times, and I finally sent it off today and it's going to be late. Anyway, I've also been anxiously checking for my college to show up in the back to school stuff, and there we go, today there was suddenly a whole bunch. And of course, Bunny has corrupted me, I found adult sized Shopkins sox, so I'm ready for back to school now.


I saw my neurologist today for 6 month follow up. I've been going every 6 months for several years. I've had 2 full needle workups making sure my nervous system is still working ok, and he coaches me into physical therapy and meds here and there. He's rather insisting that I try to ramp back up and hold at 300 mg of gabapentin 3x a day again. (I've tried it 3 times now, I keep coming back down to 200 3x.) The ultimate goal is to keep me moving as much as possible, particularly now that I have 'frozen shoulder' coming on, which is when the entire shoulder area gets so difficult to lift that you finally just can't, and the muscles 'freeze' up as they harden with scar tissue. Between the ancient car accident and subsequent years of fibromyalgia, and now arthritis starting to show up with the documented nerve impingement, I'm on my way to losing that arm if I don't keep using it as much as I possibly can. The last round of therapy last spring was brutal, but I am still retaining full range of motion even though the pain is pretty sharp and it's hard to keep moving through it. And by sharp I mean like someone stabbing me hard with a long needle into the nerve that runs over the top of my shoulder. I've been working on this arm since 2015. It was so bad in 2015 that I could barely use that arm at all, and I was close to losing the use of my fingers. I remember my mom's arms and hands finally just curling up until her hands were just fists. Aging doesn't have to be that horrible, but it takes a bit of effort to slow that down if you've got aggressive illnesses like diabetes and/or arthritis.

I'm already hearing stories about knee surgeries, lol. Scott's coworker said whatever I do, do NOT skip the pain med coming off the anesthesia. He said that was about the worst pain he ever went through till the med could kick in again. Personally, I've been through so much pain I kinda doubt I would think it's the worst, but I sincerely don't want to feel it, no.

Today's blood pressure in the office was 151/94, so it's going up again, and obviously both pain and diet related. Even with cutting calories, I'm still getting too much salt. I totally felt that yesterday. I ate an ounce of Cabot seriously sharp cheddar with a normal portion of bite sized Tostitos corn chips and wowzers, talk about a nasty headache. I'm getting so salt sensitive it's unbelievable. I started looking up diets for hypertension and ran into the DASH diet, which is part monitored fasting and mostly very restricted processed animal proteins and lots more fruits and veg. Since my diabetes is already well controlled through diet, now I've gotta control sodium. I obviously can't eat the amount of grains that DASH recommends (too carby), and I can't do the nuts and legumes (allergies), but I can definitely eat more veggies and substitute yogurt for cheese. I'm also going to cautiously try some fasting, but more like how you calorie restrict before a digestive system procedure and you have to empty your whole gut. They make sure you still get 500 calories of clear liquid, but if I do that I'll have to be smart about it, because it can get dangerous on a busy day. I'm not very good at powering through a headache, and I tend to get goofy and make poor decisions anyway, so I'll save that for days nothing is going on.

Oopsie, got lost in youtube. Time to move along.



A quick look at empowerment and politeness vs hidden disability

So an older gentleman with obviously cancer surviving wife beat me to a powered door out of the building. His wife probably had at least 10 years on me, but he may have assumed I'm much younger like people often do. Bless her heart, she shoved right through that power door without the button like it was soft butter. In my experience, powered doors are much more difficult to open than non powered doors if you don't press the button.

Welp, he saw me coming, snapped into polite male toward female mode, and stepped right in front of that power button and said "You first" with an outstretched gesture. He didn't push the door open, just stood there in front of the power button.

Of course, I'm put on the spot. I had to explain that I appreciate it, but I was in a car accident and can't push the door. It got even more awkward that his wife came back and opened the door for me while he froze up to process.

If you are near a power door and want to be polite, PUSH THE BUTTON.

I do not look like I have a disability. I have spent years with the neurologist in that building over a car accident that shredded soft tissue and left me as crippled as if I were 80 before I was even 20 years old. I look good for my age, yes, but I have spent years in physical therapy getting some of my life back. I depend on power buttons as much as anyone in a wheelchair.

I love that people still try to be nice, but I hope to help people learn to be even nicer. It's so easy to reach out and press a button. No one will pounce you for wasting electricity or looking like a wimp. You don't have to prove anything, and I shouldn't have to apologize and explain my life just to get through a door.

Let's keep evolving, guys. Get past the ablist thinking and use the technology. It's there for reasons and it's time to stop debating whether it's wasteful to use it.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

respawn


Big storms blowing thru and can't stay on server without being continually kicked, so I went back to single player where I've been working on my 'casual crisis' approach to conquering stress in my life. Totally forgot you can't sleep in a bed in the nether...

Survival in singleplayer is pretty intense. Probably the hardest part is not having someone to strategize with or whine to. It's all on ME.

I've enjoyed watching others play on server because we're all so different, and nearly everyone has a unique style or quirk that puts more spunk into playing together. If everyone played the same it would get boring really fast, probably not very different from an ant farm. Every single day on the multiplayer server is very different from the day before, like variables constantly being shaken up and piles of dice rolling our fates out.

In the meantime, this bone chip in my knee is hurting like crap and I can't wait to get it out of there.

I don't get to live tweet much any more nowadays, but I do a lot of thinking about Gotham. Gotham isn't a place, it's a truth. It's a compact fictionized visual of real things. We know these things are real, but we think they are far away, somewhere else, in a different sort of life. We're all in Gotham. Some of us just don't know that's what this is.

Yet.



It would probably be weird to talk about how happy I've felt lately. I know it's weird and a lot of you probably won't understand, but making the decision to stand alone in a spotlight and go rogue against the grain for so many years (bluejacky, Janika Banks, Pinky, Lexxperience, #aspienado) and say all the things I really think that tend to make people take an awkward step back from me for whatever reason has been a very lonely journey. I can't be myself and be friends with people very well, and I say and believe weird things because they aren't mainstream, and even people closest to me take me with enough salt to fill an ocean. Well, some of you have been paying attention for the last 6 years (actually 14 years as a Lexx fan, but srsly really 25 years of internet history), and lately you've seen me jump on a certain political thing, which is very unlike me to do. It turns out I'm not alone at all. There are hundreds, thousands, even millions of people all over the world coming out now with the anon #wakeup movement who think like I do, believe what I do, and want what I do. We see all the ways the masses are kept blind, kept asleep, kept enslaved, and we see the opportunity to change that. I know the world looks especially dark right now, but I am happy. My people have come out to fight the madness that is the New World Order, and I'm not alone at all any more talking about this. It's hard being the only one talking about the Illuminati logo (2016) before anyone else called it that. It's hard being the only one putting Kubrik, Plato, Orwell, and the book of Amos into one post (2015) before anyone else connects all those dots. It's hard discussing human trafficking and women not having any rights being so beautifully filmed in a scifi series (2015) and watching that go viral in Sharia law countries while Americans yawn. I've done none of this for money or attention, and for many years I've been writing about oppression, depression, and surviving being oneself with mental health diagnoses, and to what end? Well, after all these years I can only say I am so very thrilled to be watching all these things come to world attention, to be seeing so many people start standing up for what they really believe in as opposed to viral hype in popularity contests. I am not anon, because I own who I am in a very public spotlight, but I have always stood with anons and you guys know it. I support lurking, I keep saying learn to use your proxies, I make my stuff easy to find and see so no one has to out themselves showing up with an account just to see what I'm doing. #transparency And if the whole would would do that now, just stand up and be yourselves, embrace who we are and what we love in this world, and be kind allowing each other to do that, we might just see World Order and all its slavery toppled. The anons are among us, they have our backs, and they see ways to help free us of tyranny. Trust the plan. We may see the world slave owners tumble down within our lifetimes.



Tuesday, August 7, 2018

pinky's brain crammed into one post

click for more

~started yesterday~

So I'm doing this 1500 calorie thing again because it worked in 2011, but the main difference now is every time I start keeping track, my day/week winds up remapping into a whole new set of objectives, like lose 4 pounds, drop everything for crisis, put two pounds back on dealing with it, and it's just not a smooth one direction thing like last time. In the last 4 months I've rescheduled several things 2-3 times each until I finally just gave up and said ok, not happening, just toss it way out there a few months ahead and hopefully everything will be settled back down when we come back around to them. Everything from dental cleaning to surgery has gotten tossed around the calendar like I'm rolling dice. I've had some pretty out of control years, but this one feels like I'm hanging on in a rodeo.

Meanwhile I can feel that bone chip sliding around my knee, now that I know what that is, and it's weird how nauseated it makes me feel now thinking about it, so I just try not to. It slipped into a bad spot a few times today, and finally feeling it slide out and get squished to the back behind my knee about made me sick. All these years I've been mentally blocking that pain, and now that I can visualize it (thank you, MRI), I'm so grossed out I can hardly stand it.

These things took precedence on my silver anniversary-

  • A loud argument next door that bonenado had to go break up
  • A rescheduled birthday party displaced twice between a vacation and then a broken arm
  • Someone I don't even know dying but wound up getting texts over
  • Another person's cancer announcement from a church I don't even go to any more
  •  A few other things but those are the biggies.

I guess the rest of my life will be like that. I guess that's what getting older is like. Everything from now on is all bad news and other people's problems. There's no escape unless I literally go live alone completely off the grid.

I'm getting better at not caring any more. It used to upset me that every time I had *one* day for myself, after maybe months of not having any, that day would be slammed with so much other people's stuff. It took me awhile to realize it's always been that way, and it's like that for everybody. Several people have noticed, though, that it does seem awfully coincidental with me for some reason, like the second it's finally my turn for something, 4 people slam me immediately with bad news or crisis or something. I have literally gotten back to back phone calls of pure meltdown from several unrelated people/situations within seconds of thinking "I feel pretty good today."

So my silver anniversary going by unnoticed was fine with me. I mean, bonenado got me a nice card and even handed me some extra cash to toss into my account, and I joked that I got a good wife bonus, but other than that, it was just another day. If I had spent one second thinking about how it should be special, I'm pretty sure someone would have died just to jinx it, so it's better that it stayed low key so no one would die from the cosmos making a joke about it.

What am I saying. I just said up there someone died. *slaps forehead*

~now it's today~

I know that list up there looked really selfish. That is my narcissist-autism diagnosis. How the universe rebounds off of me and my existence is the first instinctual reaction, which is kinda like being stuck in that 5 year old ego phase. I openly admit this has been one of my biggest challenges all my life. I'm not a naturally forgiving and empathetic person. Of course I feel bad for other people having worse days, good lord. But part of transparency in my personal blogging is allowing public to get a glimpse of how my head works, because I know it's hard being around people like me not understanding what makes us tick.

Every day naturally revolves around me because I am in this body living these moments head on. This is the animal level of our existence. But I have this wonderful mind that can think outside the box, and over the years I've evolved through a whole journey of complex thinking that started with 'everyone is so stupid' to 'why can't they see and fix their own stuff' to 'aw, all our heads are unique' to 'it's actually easy to forgive other people for being unique, kind of like how pets are unique' to 'God, please help all my people have a good day because life is hard and we're having a hard time'. I really do pray that. If I listed all the people I think about every single day, everyone who crosses my mind while I get through my own stuff, you would likely find yourself on this list, unless you're one of the darker lurkers who has never surfaced on the webs in front of me.

I dealt with a lot of autism and narcissism related things on my last Pinky blog before I migrated here, so if you are new and want more, there's your links. I might eventually organize a few pages here like a library system, group up links kind of thing.

I have been crazy 'bizzy' (Bunny says she gets bizzy when she twirls in circles), so I haven't been focus blogging here that much yet. I'll get some specific tags going with this post so that can start happening again.

Months ago I said I need to get back to sharing real life pix again. Time slid crazily by. I've been trying to get back to my Lexxperience work. I feel like I'm hanging on by fingertips to the edge of a tipping iceberg. Lists? HA. Every time I even make a list now my life explodes in 19 different directions.

And yet, things keep getting done...

I have about 6 hours to catch up on a big pile of chores around my house. I'm not sure what happened, but my family suddenly dove in and purged the livingroom and it's looking really nice, so it's my turn to dive back in and keep my regular chores caught up. They don't know I was up nearly all night because pain, but it's all good and I'm functional today and I can totally do this. Just need to wrap my head around and get started.

**********

2 hours just slid by. Dark and raining outside, house is so quiet, cool mood. I just need peace, you know? The world is such a rat race. In my house alone we have 2 1/2 incomes (not counting my meager SSI) and still live check to check. We live on bare basics, nothing fancy, more in the lower end of middle class. It wouldn't take much to cripple us into another bankruptcy. And that's the way the world works now, isn't it? That's just the way it's going to be now. Unless something happens and the world flips. I was halfway joking years ago that all it would take is the grids going down to automatically throw our nation into debt forgiveness. I mean, if you can't access digital debt, it's just gone, right? And then we'd have to start from scratch because our grid system is such a crazy cobbled mess of really old machinery plugged into new tech. Seriously, our national grid system is barely functional as a systemic failsafe for our population. 5G is going up everywhere, and it would be a cinch to knock it all back offline just because our grid system is a mess.

Aging And Unstable, The Nation's Electrical Grid Is 'The Weakest Link'

How Power Grid Hacks Work, and When You Should Panic

The 9 Worst Designed Cities in the US

Iraq Power Grid Shows U.S. Flaws

Energy | ASCE's 2017 Infrastructure Report Card


And that's just the top of a long list in google search looking for flaws in the U.S. grid system.


Ok, back to whatever my in the moment is. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Check out the coolest kickstarter ever.


And if you want something with some crazy cosmic intellectual meat in it, click this next for another youtube that can fill up the void around you while you get through another day. Dismiss how weird it is, just let go and float into the possibilities. It's like real life scifi opening new doors.


For those of you who immediately scrolled down for the walk-off vid, first, this teaser.


Which makes us happyhappyhappy. I can walk away now.