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| Turkey butt. I was netting fish on a claim I was clearing on server and looked up, cracked me up. |
I have 4 days to get my driver's license renewed. Don't let me forget that. I know one year I blogged about being happy I remembered it and then promptly forgot and missed it.
I'm otherwise doing really well with my xanax taper, weight is holding steady this month after dropping 6 pounds, switched to organic blue corn chips after nearly two weeks of no nachos at all (no more supporting the big corn companies), and nearly doubled my vegetable intake over what it used to be. ASTYM therapy on my hand was like a magical breakthrough, going up and down stairs on my knee without any problems now, did I mention I'm already talking Christmas tree? Basically, having one of the best Octobers I've had in many years. Allergies are ridiculous between the trees forgetting to turn and suddenly dropping dried leaves during a cold rainy spell, but no problems with ears and glands complications like I used to get regularly. I'm an antihistamine machine this year.
I'm thinking about pumpkin cake for my birthday. I haven't had really good cake in ages, and y'all know I can't use regular flour so cake is a big rare deal. People who blow off gluten free and wheat allergies, try using flour or baking mix that is nearly $10 a pound. I have to make sure the flour is processed in a nut and peanut free facility (you'd be surprised how much gluten free is cross contaminated in manufacturing), so that cuts the cheaper ones out. Also discovered lasagna is fantastic with cabbage in place of the noodles, so I really enjoyed some good old fashioned homemade comfort food lasagna this month. Going to make more this weekend.
My sleep schedule is topsy-turvy more than usual lately, so I'm just going with it. I'm up when I feel like it, sleep when I feel like it, and barely keeping up with anyone in real time. I have been more relaxed lately than I have been in years, so I guess my body has finally turned off alert mode that I used to constantly live in, with all those anxiety and panic attacks and constant self monitoring and powering through and whatnot. I'm actually feeling like I'm enjoying myself just living now. That's never really happened before. I think a lot of it is solid consistent pain control and finally getting much needed surgeries and recoveries out of the way. I'm physically able to just chill and veg now without anything nagging my system constantly. It's nice.
Ten years ago I wrote Chickens Being.
Had a dream about the chickens last night. Somehow they were people, but not like us. I don't remember any more. I've been wondering for some time what the world view of a chicken is like, what it's like to live like that. You really have to bend your brain around just to think about not having hands, having such a flexible neck and moving your head everywhere without being disoriented, having feathers projecting from every inch of your body. I think that would be terribly cumbersome.
And then to think about never being able to say how you feel to someone, never having real contact like a hug, the only comfort you ever get is simply in being part of a group, being near each other and hearing each other when you're scared or feeling sick. What would it be like to not know more, not understand the possibility of these things?
I've been trying to wrap my brain around the concept of 'being' since I was a small child. I was terrified very early that I had bones in me (grew up on a farm), and that the bones weren't *me*. They go everywhere I go, make it possible for me to do and feel things with my other tissues, but they are the sign of death in every culture. I carry the sign of death around inside of me. I think I was dealing with that before I was even 10.
I won't go over everything I've thought since then, I'm sure it would make a book. But I still think about it a lot, about 'being'. About the possibilities we can't imagine, about the limitations we take for granted, about the horrifying thought of seeing ourselves both from the inside and the outside with our perspectives. I think a lot of people can't really do that very well, and I don't know if it's the Asperger's, but I can peel away perspective and put it back together in different shapes and forms, and wonder how in the world can we be stuck in our bodies this way? It seems impossible. Yet here we are, experiencing.
I was always intrigued by the old testament guys who got to 'see God', or at least come close. They always fell to their faces and couldn't move, and had to be stood back up by someone else. The experience of being able to see outside this dimension of thought and mind was enough to disable them, either from terror or being so overwhelmed that they couldn't respond to the new sensations and realizations flooding their minds. Maybe being aspie gives me an edge on thinking about it, because so much has been so overwhelming for me in THIS body in THIS dimension of being. I want very badly to be able to go beyond what we are and see all this for myself. I'm sure someone will have to stand me back up.
And then to think about never being able to say how you feel to someone, never having real contact like a hug, the only comfort you ever get is simply in being part of a group, being near each other and hearing each other when you're scared or feeling sick. What would it be like to not know more, not understand the possibility of these things?
I've been trying to wrap my brain around the concept of 'being' since I was a small child. I was terrified very early that I had bones in me (grew up on a farm), and that the bones weren't *me*. They go everywhere I go, make it possible for me to do and feel things with my other tissues, but they are the sign of death in every culture. I carry the sign of death around inside of me. I think I was dealing with that before I was even 10.
I won't go over everything I've thought since then, I'm sure it would make a book. But I still think about it a lot, about 'being'. About the possibilities we can't imagine, about the limitations we take for granted, about the horrifying thought of seeing ourselves both from the inside and the outside with our perspectives. I think a lot of people can't really do that very well, and I don't know if it's the Asperger's, but I can peel away perspective and put it back together in different shapes and forms, and wonder how in the world can we be stuck in our bodies this way? It seems impossible. Yet here we are, experiencing.
I was always intrigued by the old testament guys who got to 'see God', or at least come close. They always fell to their faces and couldn't move, and had to be stood back up by someone else. The experience of being able to see outside this dimension of thought and mind was enough to disable them, either from terror or being so overwhelmed that they couldn't respond to the new sensations and realizations flooding their minds. Maybe being aspie gives me an edge on thinking about it, because so much has been so overwhelming for me in THIS body in THIS dimension of being. I want very badly to be able to go beyond what we are and see all this for myself. I'm sure someone will have to stand me back up.
