I checked out Farscape, there are 88 eps because 22 per season for 4 seasons. I might map out a schedule for that. That could easily take a year. I know, right, that's just funny, considering my seeming severe lack of focus and motivation for my own fandom. Honestly, I've been planning this rewatch for years, and I seem to just never have the time for some reason. How do whole years just slip away like that?
My other list is mapped out and ready to execute. I will have 5 1/2 days of me time, or 'go' time. I don't foresee leaving the house. There's every chance I could fall into a funk and stare at the ceiling for hours. I've already told myself that if I wind up reiterating my fail list to myself, I'm not going to listen. I refuse to listen to that stupid fail list again. I have several youtube channels on standby in case that happens.
I guess I've processed through another feeling I had put onto a shelf for awhile because I didn't know what else to do with it. It's weird that the relief I thought I'd feel is actually just numb, like there's nothing there, which I know can't really be true, but it's all I feel. I pick it up, look at it, feel numb, put it back down, walk off, don't miss it, wander back later, notice it, pick it up, feel numb, put it down, nothing. Somewhere in my head someone keeps suggesting maybe I'm not seeing a little red flag popping up with "FEELINGS HERE" on it, but I see absolutely nothing. Do feelings just stop like that?
I remember in grade school, I was one of the innovative kids on the playground that would reorganize all the kids into focus groups, and then we'd wind up in trouble. In third grade it was Red Rover. I showed them how easily we could flip each other if we locked our arms, and everyone wanted to be flipped. All it took was one kid not understanding how the flip worked to get us disbanded. You can't just grab everyone's hair in the middle of a flip and then scream to a teacher that we all tried to kill you without it all sucking for the rest of us, and that's basically the way I view life in general. You wanna do stuff, then do stuff. If you have a problem with it, don't do it. But don't crash the entire party being lame about half-assing your own life, right? Learn how to do something, or at least learn how to have fun trying.
Of course, real life isn't that simplistic, and it takes years learning to embrace our own selves, much less how to let other people off the hook and stuff.
I guess I just wanted to feel something. It's a bit novel realizing for the first time in one's entire life that reciprocation falling flat (after awkwardly stumbling into a full out launch of tripping the wrong way) doesn't have to feel bad. It's funny that all it took was one wrong word to set me free.
I don't miss it hurting.
