-Continuation from blog PinkyGuerrero
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Thursday, July 12, 2018

truth, love, and being ourselves

Once every 5 or so years I go on a massive deep lurk for people who disappeared from my real life years ago because I suddenly miss them and want to see how they are doing. I usually find them, no matter how far off the social media grid they think they are, and kinda stealth around looking at life specs without them ever knowing. My level of social awkwardness amounted to hunting favorite people down back in the day. Pretty sure a few had no idea what to do with me.

So I missed one of my very favorites from way back. I finally found out today that he wound up in a tragic accident on the day I wrote this on pinky blog, and I don't know if it was tower/line equipment related or highway or what. I never heard about it because he and I had both distanced ourselves so much from our common acquaintances in a place we both very much loathed. We never kept in touch, even though we were clearly dangerous running into each other out of the blue.

Like when you walk into a stifling hot room of several hundred crabby people sorted into long slow moving lines waiting for student loan checks and everyone is listening to a couple of people enjoying a scifi joke and pun showdown after long months of not seeing each other. We had magic that we couldn't stop if we tried, easily did a solid hour of natural standup just laughing about everything scifi we'd ever seen. I've never done that with anyone else in my life, especially so publicly. I think neither had he. I think it scared him silly, how easy that was.

I saw him one more time after that because we accidentally parked next to each other at a whole other college some years later, and since he slouched and turned away, I pretended not to see him and just got into my car and left. I don't ask questions or take it personally because I've had days like that myself. You never know what's going on with someone, and he happened to have confided some things in me that most of his friends and family didn't know back then (including thinking about suicide), despite how rarely we talked. I'm still not sure why people do that. I've talked about it before, the way people just walk up to me out of the blue and spill their lives. I think he was afraid I could read his mind, honestly. I walked right into his head and made it so easy because our heads were so much alike.

The reason I looked him up today is because I kinda got to thinking this week about all my 'boyfriends'. I never really got into boyfriends, most of my relationships never even hit first base (without alcohol, especially), but I seem to have a string of guys running through my entire life's background who I have hooked up with more intellectually on the side or something. I'm sure if I weren't super ace (don't laugh, actual former, just give back that pic of me in the Planet of the Apes Halloween mask) I'd be dangerously close to causing a string of mutinies throughout my life. I can't help hijacking other people's brains and playing with them, but even aspienado can appreciate the time that takes away from loved ones.

But I wish now I'd gone after his time a little more while we had it. He was within 3 hours of my house the last few years. If my current 'boyfriends' were that close, hell yes we'd be running into each other. Life has become too precious not to see people at least once a year. I have no idea if he cared to lurk the webs, but I know he was certainly capable. Unfortunately, I went underground one year and blocked so many people that even if he wanted to, he might never have found me again. I'll probably never know now.

Just going to put this here from a post I wrote the day after. I think it would've had us side split laughing the way we did in that student loan line. Anyone who knows him well enough to know why would totally get this. Personally, I've never made it through this entire vid. I think about 3 minutes is plenty, but it's ok if you want to space out into the jazz and eye locks.

8 Crazy Things Love Does To Your Brain, According To Science

I think, basically, my brain skips straight to the chemicals. I'm getting the feeling lately that my psychologist may have had this figured out a long time ago. Maybe one of the reasons I'm so awkward at peopling is because I skip all the cues straight into a sort of intellectual intimacy that I take for granted. I don't have a clue and I skip merrily past all the silly I could care less about and go straight into people's heads and find the feels, and then because I'm so oblivious, I hang around not realizing how intimate the bonds I make are.

Who knows, maybe we need more of that. It's hitting me tonight that he made it past the suicide and lived the life he needed to, despite how dire it all looked at the time. He must have known I knew, and maybe I helped make it ok. I'd like to think so.

Truth is hard. Love is harder. Being ourselves is hardest. I'm sad for his partner's loss, yet thankful to find out he had someone.

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