I promise I won't do that a lot here, just checking on the transition from the last blog. And yes, I know I'm way behind on stuffs, but it'll get here. Been a crazy couple weeks. I'm not even rolling yet and this isn't bad, so transition went a lot better than I thought it would. Thank you guys for switching tracks with me. 💗
I told moc fam I'd be back on server after a break and I've got 15 minutes left, so quickie stuffs. Tomorrow is the last physical therapy day for awhile, taking that down really easy this week and it's up to me to stay on track rest of the summer. Primary care follow up yesterday from hospital last week, they're going to set me up with ambulatory 24 hour blood pressure monitor, those are kind of new, we'll see how that goes. Got my second holter monitor in 2 weeks mailed back today. Blood glucose has been fantastic, most of the pain coming back down nicely, adjusting pretty well to slight increase in the gabapentin dosing, and goal is to keep it steady. Don't get dumb and knock myself out in the heat or overdo anything, just nice routine and focus on more healing.
Positivity. That is my challenge! Negativity hurts healing. Positivity (being a calm person that doesn't gut react into blame or self pity) is a very good way to live. It's been hard, but I'm getting there. Funny, though, don't look too deep behind what makes this look fun.
Mandela effects have been all the rage for awhile, and I'm sorry, I can't get into the sign and logo changes and trying to get evidence because that is too transitory anyway. These are a few things I'd love to run into people sharing about mandela experiences.
I don't remember my countertop fitting my height so well. What? We have variable countertop heights across all housing? When did this happen? I saw a pink gremlin on the way to work today. Who restores a Gremlin and paints it pink? *laughs* Wait, that's a thing? Gremlins are back? What do you mean what do I mean? I'm telling you, novelty footies are a THING, I'm not crazy!
Looks up all this stuff online, hundreds of people are getting together like conspiracy researchers trying to prove the world was different...
Actually, I'm only up because a nightmare was even crazier. Something about terrorists. Wait, I tweeted. Here you go.
I didn't mention the part about how they were getting rid of humans by mixing their DNA into linens and curtains being stripped out of old houses and put through a big grinder and then being remade into other products, so everything around us was becoming actual, real human product. *gag*
And then I dragged out of bed for a few corn chips and a lot of youtube and I think I'm done. I just watched a vid detailing how a dog's entire brain was literally and very laboriously desectioned onto silicon slides so it could be loaded into a server and exactly reassembled into computer space, and then it was uploaded into the cloud. We actually literally have a real brain copied into the cloud. A human volunteer (terminal) is already under way. Also, brain implants have been here for awhile, and some of them can switch your despondence into joy in the blink of an eye. I'll take one of those, please. Been in line a very long time for a brain chip.
By the way, I've blurbed here and there about brain chips, mostly at SyfyDesigns. Oh look, nearly 50K now. I should be back over there blurbing. I just ran off and let that sit there around 25K.
Well, guess I did quite a bit on old Pinky blog, too. Here's a tag search in case you can't sleep, either.
Oh man, ran right into a good going back to sleep vid. Here you go. I think I can go back to bed now.
I've had a little time to think today about how intense the last 8 days got, especially after another brief breakout last night that has me in another 2-day holter. This is old hat, I've done overnight, 2-day, 7-day, and month fairly regularly over the last 2 1/2 decades, and every time it happens there is a settling into new med dose period where I have little minor breakout burps after an initial big one. Except this last big one took 2 days to wrestle back down out of emergency status range. Kinda like with diabetes, there is a set of ranges they consider imminent even if the patient isn't aware it is, blood pressure has its own ranges of 'anything could happen without warning' when you get above or below a certain range.
Over the years I've heard it all about panic response (out of a dead sleep, that's hilarious), acute anxiety (without warning while I'm having a good day?), pain response (we do watch that, and it's not logically consistent or predictable), and of course they check for anything physical going on, too. My blood work is pretty great for someone my age, I pass all kinds of tests with flying colors, and still I get these outrageous break out blood pressure binges after months of good control.
But. I do have to look at what I've been doing lately. I have been deeper tissue restructuring on top of finally dealing with one of the biggest PTSD trauma events in my life, which basically boils down to medically condoned self harm during a mental crisis, and it dawned on me during another ER run last night this is what it really looks like. Is it much of a stretch to connect that to the worst uncontrollable blood pressure break out I've ever had? The timing is exquisite.
Something to talk about with my primary doctor during follow up tomorrow and my psychologist next week.
I grew up self medicating, but it wasn't alcohol because we never had any. I didn't know that a lot of kids were doing that all around me in school, getting into medications and liquor cabinets. Did they start at three years old? I OD'd when I was around 3. No one even knows what to say to that. I was on phenobarbital since babyhood, found the love of my life in codeine around 12, and graduated into round the clock drinking and chain smoking after a divorce. I rarely bring up the brandy bongs because people get the wrong picture. I was a workaholic without a real emotional connection to anyone, and I moved along from one addiction to another to another to another, and part of that migration has included pain addiction. I am very, very good at pain addiction. I have literally used it to get off med addictions. I have used therapies as a coping mechanism because they focus pain. I get high while I heal, the more bruising, the better. I noticed this last week that I was craving the needles. I had so many people putting needles in me. My left hand is half black and blue, my stomach has a very bright purple circle as big as a silver dollar. My arms are tracked up and bruised in half a dozen places. Not one needle was used to administer a pain med or muscle relaxer or anything relieving like that.
I love pain. They started noticing this in physical therapy about 3 years ago. It's become a topic of interest with my psychologist. Lately I can't help noticing that the more emotional pain I feel, the more physical pain I crave. Funny I never noticed that before. I can look back on my life and see years of it now.
I have no idea if that dynamic can trigger such a horrible blood pressure breakout. I spent the last two months rolling out scheduled blog posts about dealing with some horrible stuff in my life, creating a survival narrative, and right as the last of it was ending, and my mind finally started feeling more free than it has ever felt, my blood pressure exploded and my life diverted into more than a dozen needles and a lot of tests. During that time, the deep tissue area we've been working on in physical therapy for 6 weeks also exploded into searing pain along nerve pathways and referred into muscle strings and bundles. The pain was severe, and I laid there loving that I was feeling it and feeling lots of needles all over and mandatory fasting for almost 24 hours, and I never once felt sorry for myself.
